Every day, possibly multiple times a day, we check our facebook pages to see what is going on with our friends. Unfortunately, some of our friends abuse their privilege of typing on the internet and force us to read useless and obnoxious status updates. Is it so much to ask for status updates that make us laugh, cry, inspired, excited, or even informed? Well, for these friends, it is far too much to ask.
The Gym Rat
Obnoxious Update: “Just got my swole on.”
“About to hit the gym . . . AGAIN!”
“Cranked out 20 pullups tonight. I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.”
Why It’s Obnoxious: No one cares about your workout! Believe it or not, most of the people forced to scroll through your daily workout accomplishments probably went to the gym too. And somehow through the holy power of St. Mary, they were able to jog on a treadmill without telling everyone. I’m sure this status is a desperate cry for attention. We all want the occasional, “wow, looking good buddy,” “are you losing weght?” or “omg, I had no idea Brad Pitt was coming to this party.” However, these compliments should be earned, not begged for by turning us into your workout diary. (And on a related note – no one wants to see pictures of you flexing in the mirror. Yes, you are the same person that gives workout updates)
What’s Acceptable: People want to hear about actual accomplishments. For example, you bench a small car at the gym. Facebook wants to know about this and see pictures. Maybe you ran in a big race you have been training for or you’re posting hilarious/inspirational, embarrassing pictures of yourself on a daily basis, then update as much as you want. Please, keep us updated on anything funny that happens while you are working out. If someone gets trapped under 400 pounds, we need to know. Some guy pees his pants a little because he curled so much weight, we need to know. A girl falls off the treadmill while talking on the phone and reading a magazine, we need to know.
Possible Fixes: “Just saw Arnold Schwarzenegger in my gym.”
“Definitely saw two guys doing synchronized flexes in the mirror – I really need a new gym.”
“Ran the Boston Marathon this morning. Passed a few Kenyans. What have you done this morning?”
The New Parents
Obnoxious Update: “Little Jimmy peed the bed AGAIN last night, Chelsea colored on the wall, and I got no sleep because the baby keeps kicking my belly. When will this mommy stuff get easier?”
“Billy scored 3 times in his basketball game! Yea! Mommy’s all-star <3”
“Joey used the big boy potty!”
Why It’s Obnoxious: In short, 1) you constantly complain about stuff every mom on earth is dealing with, but thankfully, is sparing us from constant updates. 2) You tell us about things that only you find cute, and 3) your kid just isn’t that great. While this may come across as slightly harsh, it needed to be said. For instance, if you don’t want to hear about every successful trip to the big boy potty that I pull off or every time I muscle down all my vegetables and “make a happy plate,” then I guarantee you very few people care that your kid did the same. And until little Johnny starts competing in triathlons or can beat me in a game of HORSE, you probably don’t want to talk him up too much. He might get a big head or I might show up one day to thunder dunk on him and his nerf goal.
What’s Acceptable: Maybe tighten the reigns a little on all the kid updates. Let us know when your little angel does something that doesn’t a) disgust us or b) bore us.
Possible Fixes: “Jimmy just out ran Usain Bolt! Wow my kid is fast.”
“Little Sarah just rotated the tires on the tractor by herself and seems to have learned Mandarin over the weekend.”
“Boopie just hit her daddy in the package with a baseball bat –AND I AM POSTING THE VIDEO NOW!”
The High School Romance
Obnoxious Update: “I miss my man :-(”
“I have the sweetest boo ever. <3 Love <3”
“Benny and Samantha – Together Forever xoxoxo”
Why it’s Obnoxious: Everyone knows it isn’t going to last. I’m sure your 16 year old “man” is just the sweetest thing in the world, but let’s get serious. If the divorce rate is 50% for adults, the breakup rate for high school kids is probably close to 120%. Save the mushy stuff for when you are dating someone with enough money for an engagement ring. And in all honesty, these updates aren’t much more enjoyable to wade through coming from the serious relationships. If you are in a long-term relationship with someone, then you should love the person. We don’t need obvious updates. Roses are red and violets are blue, but you don’t see anyone constantly updating about those botanical facts.
What’s Acceptable: You get engaged – let’s hear it. You make it to your 50th anniversary – be as sweet and mushy as you want. Heck, you have a terrible breakup – shoot out those painful details. I’m sure it will make us all feel better about ourselves.
Possible Fixes: “She said YES – to the dress. JK! We’re getting married.”
“He finally popped the question – at a stupid baseball game!”
“That evil bitch is cheating on me . . . with a music major!”
The Therapy Session
Obnoxious Update: “Why is she doing this to me? I’m dying inside.”
“I give and give and give and this is how you treat me.”
“Will love ever find me? Why does this always happen?”
Why It’s Obnoxious: Unless your psychiatrist has asked to do your sessions through facebook posts, this is really the wrong spot to lay out your dirty laundry. If you need a friend to talk about something, you might want to go old school and dust off a phone. This statuses makes all of your nice, not-close friends uncomfortable and the mean, not-close friends gossip about you. As a rule of thumb, if someone can answer the update with a “Do you need to talk?” or “What’s wrong? You know I’m always here for you?” then it doesn’t need to go out to the whole world.
What’s Acceptable: Nothing. If you are having a real problem, talk to a real friend.
Possible Fixes: NO!
Obnoxious Update: “WOW! I didn’t see that coming?”
“I just don’t know what else to do.”
“It is always darkest before the dawn.”
Why It’s Obnoxious: We all know what you are up to, RIDDLER! But it won’t work. We aren’t going to ask, “What’s wrong?” “What’s up bro? You know I got your back.” “I’m always here for you if you need to talk.” No! If you want to tell the facebook world something, then just say it. Why the games?
What’s Acceptable: Just say what’s on your mind – unless of course it is going to devolve into a Therapy Session or something related to your High School Romance. Actually, The Riddler is always baiting us into a Therapy Session or High School Romance problem. So, as a rule, it’s never acceptable.
Possible Fixes: NO!
The Oracle of Obvious
Obnoxious Update: “Just woke up. I am soooo sleepy.”
“At work and booooored”
“Laundry finished! Next up, shower time. Then maybe food???”
Why It’s Obnoxious: WHAT!?!?! You were sleepy after waking up this morning! Did you call a specialist? I already dialed 911. OH NOOO! Your job was boring or stressful? Tragedy has struck your life again. Before posting something on facebook, a good question to ask yourself is “did everyone else I know experience the exact same thing today?” If its likely that your friends have also “used the restroom,” “sat in traffic,” or “ate lunch by chewing,” then stop yourself from typing.
What’s Acceptable: Extraordinary, incredible, unique, catastrophic or hilarious events are all welcome facebook statuses. If it takes a little thought before you post, that could be a sign of a quality update. Maybe you get trapped in an elevator that plummets 10 stories. Maybe you saw a flock of seagulls paint a group of school kids white. These are things your friends need to read when they scroll through facebook statuses.
Possible Fixes: “Survived an earthquake on my lunch break. Forgot to tip the waiter.”
“Disarmed a bankrobber on my way to class, and still made an A on the test.”
“An actual mother goose chased me today on my daily run. Set a PR.”
Obnoxious Update: “President Obama is secretly kidnapping puppies and using them in underground international dog fighting competitions. Small fluffy puppies are even tossed into his shark tank. Don’t let your pet become a victim. Repost this and fight against the Muslim terror in the White House.”
Why It’s Obnoxious: It’s just not true. If it sounds crazy, or better yet, if the status asks you to repost something, then it’s probably not real. What is real though is how dumb you sound and the irritation you cause everyone that has to read that foolishness. I can guarantee you the government didn’t cancel Christmas, and no one is trying to poison your pop tarts.
What’s Acceptable: There is no such thing as acceptable spam. If there is really some catastrophe about to strike America, then I’m sure the news will jump on the story before your cousin Bubba. If you can’t confirm your status update on Snopes.com, then you probably aren’t uncovering a national conspiracy.
Possible Fixes: NO!
Terrible Update: “Bout to get my beer pong on!!!!”
“I am DRUNK! Shouldn’t have had those last 10 shots. LOLZ”
“Last night was wild and crazy. Can’t even remember that guy’s name Lmfao”
Why It’s Obnoxious: These status updates are just sad. Not funny, not cool – just sad. People don’t like to know they have friends that are proud douche bags or sluts. If you want to be wild that’s fine, but no matter how many times you tell yourself acting like Snookie is cool, the rest of the world is still disgusted.
What’s Acceptable: Just keep your disappointing qualities and failures in life to yourself. For instance, if you piss your bed tonight, then I’d hope you would keep that to yourself. If you are a STD warehouse, then please stop announcing it too the facebook world.
Possible Fixes: Self-Respect, Maturity, Future Aspirations
Obnoxious Update: “Forgot to get ice cream at the grocery story LOL!!! Guess ice cream sandwiches are off the menu tonight HAHA!! LMAO!
“LOLZ I think I had too much to drink last night LOL gtg to work now :’( fml rofl
Why It’s Obnoxious: You aren’t really laughing. You can’t be, because nothing was funny. In fact, no one is laughing. As a general rule, if a facebook status ends in LOL or ;-), then everything said in there is ridiculous. More importantly, you aren’t supposed to laugh at your own jokes. I’m not going to lie to you, I have sat behind my computer screen chuckling away at some hilarious chestnut that I was about to post on facebook, but I don’t let everyone know that I think it’s funny. It’s just breaking a cardinal rule of comedy.
What’s Acceptable: Laughing at other people’s statuses is acceptable. Laughing at the stuff you write is just uncalled for and possibly helps fund terrorists. I will have to check with The Spammer on that though.
Possible Fixes: Just don’t let everyone know that you think your material is hilarious.
The Play by Play Man
Obnoxious Update: “Go Cowboys” *moments later*
“That’s the worst call ever!” *moments later*
“Sacked Again – ugh!” *moments later*
“Interception in the redzone? WHY Romo WHY!” *moments later*
“Another turnover!?!? WTH!”
Why It’s Obnoxious: Everyone that cares about the game is watching it. So you are just bombarding non-sports fans with irrelevant updates. Then when the people that cared about the game check their facebook, they have to sort through 4 hours of your in-depth game analysis. Unfortunately, they saw every interception, fumble and touchdown, but thanks for chronicling the exact moment those historic events took place.
What’s Acceptable: Getting a friend to watch the game with you is acceptable. I’m sure they might actually care about your up-to-the-minute commentary. Putting your computer away during the game is another possibility. Even commenting on the game before it starts and after it ends could be a great statuses. In short, leave the play-by-play to ESPN. I think they can handle it.
Possible Fixes: “God, Please don’t let Tony Romo start dating Jessica Simpson again.”
“It’s official – the Cowboys suck.”