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Characters We Hate: The Facebook Status

Posted by hilariousandhandsomesportsguys on December 19, 2010

by: Blockparty

Every day, possibly multiple times a day, we check our facebook pages to see what is going on with our friends. Unfortunately, some of our friends abuse their privilege of typing on the internet and force us to read useless and obnoxious status updates. Is it so much to ask for status updates that make us laugh, cry, inspired, excited, or even informed? Well, for these friends, it is far too much to ask.

 

Stop with the pictures. Stop with the updates. This has gotten out of hand.

The Gym Rat

Obnoxious Update: “Just got my swole on.”

“About to hit the gym . . . AGAIN!”

“Cranked out 20 pullups tonight. I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.”

Why It’s Obnoxious: No one cares about your workout! Believe it or not, most of the people forced to scroll through your daily workout accomplishments probably went to the gym too. And somehow through the holy power of St. Mary, they were able to jog on a treadmill without telling everyone. I’m sure this status is a desperate cry for attention. We all want the occasional, “wow, looking good buddy,” “are you losing weght?” or “omg, I had no idea Brad Pitt was coming to this party.” However, these compliments should be earned, not begged for by turning us into your workout diary. (And on a related note – no one wants to see pictures of you flexing in the mirror. Yes, you are the same person that gives workout updates)

What’s Acceptable: People want to hear about actual accomplishments. For example, you bench a small car at the gym. Facebook wants to know about this and see pictures. Maybe you ran in a big race you have been training for or you’re posting hilarious/inspirational, embarrassing pictures of yourself on a daily basis, then update as much as you want. Please, keep us updated on anything funny that happens while you are working out. If someone gets trapped under 400 pounds, we need to know. Some guy pees his pants a little because he curled so much weight, we need to know. A girl falls off the treadmill while talking on the phone and reading a magazine, we need to know.

Possible Fixes: “Just saw Arnold Schwarzenegger in my gym.”

“Definitely saw two guys doing synchronized flexes in the mirror – I really need a new gym.”

“Ran the Boston Marathon this morning. Passed a few Kenyans. What have you done this morning?”

 

Potty time just isn't very cute when Little Harry is all grown up, huh?

The New Parents

Obnoxious Update: “Little Jimmy peed the bed AGAIN last night, Chelsea colored on the wall, and I got no sleep because the baby keeps kicking my belly. When will this mommy stuff get easier?”

“Billy scored 3 times in his basketball game! Yea! Mommy’s all-star <3”

“Joey used the big boy potty!”

Why It’s Obnoxious:       In short, 1) you constantly complain about stuff every mom on earth is dealing with, but thankfully, is sparing us from constant updates. 2) You tell us about things that only you find cute, and 3) your kid just isn’t that great. While this may come across as slightly harsh, it needed to be said. For instance, if you don’t want to hear about every successful trip to the big boy potty that I pull off or every time I muscle down all my vegetables and “make a happy plate,” then I guarantee you very few people care that your kid did the same. And until little Johnny starts competing in triathlons or can beat me in a game of HORSE, you probably don’t want to talk him up too much. He might get a big head or I might show up one day to thunder dunk on him and his nerf goal.

What’s Acceptable: Maybe tighten the reigns a little on all the kid updates. Let us know when your little angel does something that doesn’t a) disgust us or b) bore us.

Possible Fixes: “Jimmy just out ran Usain Bolt! Wow my kid is fast.”

“Little Sarah just rotated the tires on the tractor by herself and seems to have learned Mandarin over the weekend.”

“Boopie just hit her daddy in the package with a baseball bat –AND I AM POSTING THE VIDEO NOW!”

 

 

Im sure this LOVE will last forever.

The High School Romance

Obnoxious Update: “I miss my man :-(”

“I have the sweetest boo ever. <3 Love <3”

“Benny and Samantha – Together Forever xoxoxo”

Why it’s Obnoxious: Everyone knows it isn’t going to last. I’m sure your 16 year old “man” is just the sweetest thing in the world, but let’s get serious. If the divorce rate is 50% for adults, the breakup rate for high school kids is probably close to 120%. Save the mushy stuff for when you are dating someone with enough money for an engagement ring. And in all honesty, these updates aren’t much more enjoyable to wade through coming from the serious relationships. If you are in a long-term relationship with someone, then you should love the person. We don’t need obvious updates. Roses are red and violets are blue, but you don’t see anyone constantly updating about those botanical facts.

What’s Acceptable: You get engaged – let’s hear it. You make it to your 50th anniversary – be as sweet and mushy as you want. Heck, you have a terrible breakup – shoot out those painful details. I’m sure it will make us all feel better about ourselves.

Possible Fixes: “She said YES – to the dress.  JK! We’re getting married.”

“He finally popped the question – at a stupid baseball game!”

“That evil bitch is cheating on me . . . with a music major!”

 

You need professional help that facebook just can't offer.

The Therapy Session

Obnoxious Update: “Why is she doing this to me? I’m dying inside.”

“I give and give and give and this is how you treat me.”

“Will love ever find me? Why does this always happen?”

Why It’s Obnoxious: Unless your psychiatrist has asked to do your sessions through facebook posts, this is really the wrong spot to lay out your dirty laundry. If you need a friend to talk about something, you might want to go old school and dust off a phone. This statuses makes all of your nice, not-close friends uncomfortable and the mean, not-close friends gossip about you. As a rule of thumb, if someone can answer the update with a “Do you need to talk?” or “What’s wrong? You know I’m always here for you?” then it doesn’t need to go out to the whole world.

What’s Acceptable: Nothing. If you are having a real problem, talk to a real friend.

Possible Fixes: NO!

 

No. He isnt desperate for attention.

The Riddler

Obnoxious Update: “WOW! I didn’t see that coming?”

“I just don’t know what else to do.”

“It is always darkest before the dawn.”

Why It’s Obnoxious: We all know what you are up to, RIDDLER! But it won’t work. We aren’t going to ask, “What’s wrong?” “What’s up bro? You know I got your back.” “I’m always here for you if you need to talk.” No! If you want to tell the facebook world something, then just say it. Why the games?

What’s Acceptable: Just say what’s on your mind – unless of course it is going to devolve into a Therapy Session or something related to your High School Romance. Actually, The Riddler is always baiting us into a Therapy Session or High School Romance problem. So, as a rule, it’s never acceptable.

Possible Fixes: NO!

"You know what, Grover? I forgot to tell our facebook friends how delicious that sandwich was that we just ate. I should do that huh?"

The Oracle of Obvious

Obnoxious Update: “Just woke up. I am soooo sleepy.”

“At work and booooored”

“Laundry finished! Next up, shower time. Then maybe food???”

Why It’s Obnoxious: WHAT!?!?! You were sleepy after waking up this morning! Did you call a specialist? I already dialed 911. OH NOOO! Your job was boring or stressful? Tragedy has struck your life again. Before posting something on facebook, a good question to ask yourself is “did everyone else I know experience the exact same thing today?” If its likely that your friends have also “used the restroom,” “sat in traffic,” or “ate lunch by chewing,” then stop yourself from typing.

What’s Acceptable: Extraordinary, incredible, unique, catastrophic or hilarious events are all welcome facebook statuses. If it takes a little thought before you post, that could be a sign of a quality update. Maybe you get trapped in an elevator that plummets 10 stories. Maybe you saw a flock of seagulls paint a group of school kids white. These are things your friends need to read when they scroll through facebook statuses.

Possible Fixes: “Survived an earthquake on my lunch break. Forgot to tip the waiter.”

“Disarmed a bankrobber on my way to class, and still made an A on the test.”

“An actual mother goose chased me today on my daily run. Set a PR.”

 

Repost this message before its too late!

The Spammer

Obnoxious Update: “President Obama is secretly kidnapping puppies and using them in underground international dog fighting competitions. Small fluffy puppies are even tossed into his shark tank. Don’t let your pet become a victim. Repost this and fight against the Muslim terror in the White House.”

Why It’s Obnoxious: It’s just not true. If it sounds crazy, or better yet, if the status asks you to repost something, then it’s probably not real. What is real though is how dumb you sound and the irritation you cause everyone that has to read that foolishness. I can guarantee you the government didn’t cancel Christmas, and no one is trying to poison your pop tarts.

What’s Acceptable: There is no such thing as acceptable spam. If there is really some catastrophe about to strike America, then I’m sure the news will jump on the story before your cousin Bubba. If you can’t confirm your status update on Snopes.com, then you probably aren’t uncovering a national conspiracy.

Possible Fixes: NO!

The Party Animal

Terrible Update: “Bout to get my beer pong on!!!!”

“I am DRUNK! Shouldn’t have had those last 10 shots. LOLZ”

“Last night was wild and crazy. Can’t even remember that guy’s name Lmfao”

Why It’s Obnoxious: These status updates are just sad. Not funny, not cool – just sad. People don’t like to know they have friends that are proud douche bags or sluts. If you want to be wild that’s fine, but no matter how many times you tell yourself acting like Snookie is cool, the rest of the world is still disgusted.

What’s Acceptable: Just keep your disappointing qualities and failures in life to yourself. For instance, if you piss your bed tonight, then I’d hope you would keep that to yourself. If you are a STD warehouse, then please stop announcing it too the facebook world.

Possible Fixes: Self-Respect, Maturity, Future Aspirations

Stop that! You're embarrassing yourself.

The Giggler

Obnoxious Update: “Forgot to get ice cream at the grocery story LOL!!! Guess ice cream sandwiches are off the menu tonight HAHA!! LMAO!

“LOLZ I think I had too much to drink last night LOL  gtg to work now :’( fml rofl

Why It’s Obnoxious: You aren’t really laughing. You can’t be, because nothing was funny. In fact, no one is laughing. As a general rule, if a facebook status ends in LOL or ;-), then everything said in there is ridiculous.  More importantly, you aren’t supposed to laugh at your own jokes. I’m not going to lie to you, I have sat behind my computer screen chuckling away at some hilarious chestnut that I was about to post on facebook, but I don’t let everyone know that I think it’s funny. It’s just breaking a cardinal rule of comedy.

What’s Acceptable: Laughing at other people’s statuses is acceptable. Laughing at the stuff you write is just uncalled for and possibly helps fund terrorists. I will have to check with The Spammer on that though.

Possible Fixes: Just don’t let everyone know that you think your material is hilarious.

When your arm gets hit, the ball is not going to go where you want it to.

The Play by Play Man

Obnoxious Update: “Go Cowboys” *moments later*

“That’s the worst call ever!” *moments later*

“Sacked Again – ugh!” *moments later*

“Interception in the redzone? WHY Romo WHY!” *moments later*

“Another turnover!?!? WTH!”

Why It’s Obnoxious: Everyone that cares about the game is watching it. So you are just bombarding non-sports fans with irrelevant updates. Then when the people that cared about the game check their facebook, they have to sort through 4 hours of your in-depth game analysis. Unfortunately, they saw every interception, fumble and touchdown, but thanks for chronicling the exact moment those historic events took place.

What’s Acceptable: Getting a friend to watch the game with you is acceptable. I’m sure they might actually care about your up-to-the-minute commentary. Putting your computer away during the game is another possibility. Even commenting on the game before it starts and after it ends could be a great statuses. In short, leave the play-by-play to ESPN. I think they can handle it.

Possible Fixes:                   “God, Please don’t let Tony Romo start dating Jessica Simpson again.”

“It’s official – the Cowboys suck.”

465 Responses to “Characters We Hate: The Facebook Status”

  1. I’ve been sitting here trying to think of the type of Status Updater you missed. But I think can’t think of anything.
    Way to go Block – complete coverage.

    • Block said

      The only other one that I considered was the lyrical genius. I kept reading all of these emo statuses that make no sense and are completely vague. Then, I discovered it’s random lyrics from songs. Why are people doing this? Do the lyrics match up with something that happened in their day? However, I love a good movie quote or some inspirational words from one of histories great dictators. I thought maybe lyrics fall into that category so I left them alone for now.

      • Bill said

        random lyrics are the worst……. esp. by girls you are dating…….. lol.. absolutely love this post though.. i cannot stand idiot FB statuses.. everyone thinks they are the center of the universe

      • antygone said

        I agree! My cousin does that all the time and I never am sure if it’s a real status or a stupid song.

      • Amanda said

        Do you aspire to be the next Napoleon? Perhaps the next Castro, or Hitler? Just curious why you enjoy “inspirational words from one of histories great dictators.”
        I think perhaps you meant *History’s* great *leaders*? Possibly? Maybe? ;)

        Don’t leave yourself open for ridicule whilst ridiculing others, dear.

      • Bill Gates said

        Dude, Bill…you lolled your own post…

      • John said

        Lyrics are good if we know where they come from. Just like in school, quote your sources.

      • Amy said

        I always want to tell lyrics posters: QUOTATION MARKS were invented for a reason. At least then we know this random drivel isn’t original… ;)

      • mike said

        Amanda missed the joke.

    • Darius said

      Please add the “Like my status” generation

    • chris said

      what about the people that constantly take pics of food and post them while at the restaurant or on a date!!!

      • bob said

        And notice the ones who do it are f’n fat wtf? Stop eating crap all day or at least keep it to urself!!! We dont care that your eating….. again…. and again…. wait let me guess, your fucking hungry again

      • Totally…no one gives a shit what you ate. I sometimes resist the urge to poop on a plate an post it as a meal.

      • mike said

        I actually like the food posts, interesting to see what people recommend at local restaurants, etc. The people I know generally share amazing meals or treats, not every meal of the day.

      • Stephanie said

        I agree with Mike. There is a significant portion of the US that watches the Food Network religiously, and therefore likes what many call ‘food porn.’ The people posting food pics on Facebook know and are feeding into this. Get over it. Or hide their feeds.

    • Itsme said

      How about the pretentious complainer! The person who feels the need to have to complain about every type of Facebook status updates and how obnoxious they are, yet all they have to do is hide the persons status updates!!!

    • Mark said

      I think they missed the people that constantly complain about Facebook. If you hate it so much, delete your account! But, please do not threaten us with the deletion. No one cares and we aren’t going to beg you not to delete it. Reminds me of a kid running away from home for attention…and then getting to the corner and start to feel hungry…so they go back home.

    • tofalm said

      The diary status …the status is several sentences long it is like reading a book.

    • TJ said

      ….the reformed drug addict preaching God to the general public as if everyone else is in serious need to be saved too.

      • Lora said

        i dunno about you saying just because a reformed drug addict preaching God to the general public as if everyone serious needs saving too ; for one , we all need Jesus ~ that’s a fact , and nothing wrong with trying to reach everyone else and be concerned for their souls ~!

      • Revilo said

        I agree with TJ but I’d like to say ALL religious pushers in general, not just reformers or christians.
        I truly am glad that you have your beliefs but please do not shove them at me as if your beliefs are the only thing to believe in.

      • Kenny T said

        I agree about the proselytizing, especially by the reformed ones. Look, I’m happy you found something more important than your next fix, but I don’t need you to tell me I’m a bad person because not every one of my statuses are a Bible Verse or some type of saving grace phrase….And Lora, its not a “fact” everyone needs Jesus…

      • COMMON FUCKING SENSE! Or atleast should be.. said

        Revilo.. Uhmm you just shoved your view down others throats too, by saying ‘Don’t shove them at me’. who ever said he/she/it/they were shoving their beliefs at you. Its no different than your post about you ideas, is it? You’re entitled to your beliefs and idea’s just like that drug addict.. Don’t like his message? Just delete him idiot.

        Kenny T- Whose to say who is right in this situation.. Its Lora’s opinion that everyone needs Jesus, and yours is that maybe everyone doesn’t. Who are you to decide if there is really a God or not?? Huh? Last I checked you do NOT have the infinite knowledge to know that there isn’t someone out there with infinite knowledge. Let the woman think what she wants!

        Lora- Stick to your ideas, fast and strong.. No matter who agrees. Heck maybe even I don’t agree with you, but I still respect that you choose share them.. Pretty sure last I checked there’s this thing called FREEDOM OF RELIGION &&FREEDOM OF SPEECH. So why not use it, right?

        Yesh, this was written by a 14 year old kid.. We’re not all retarded little bitches ya know..
        MIND=BLOWN.. Don’t lie, you know its freaking true.

      • Tim said

        yeah i dont need jesus, and I really dont need you telling me i do either…

      • mike said

        Why would you expect a Christian to not share about Christ? That’s basically the point of Christianity. Maybe you can just delete them.. ?

      • PhoenixM said

        @Common Sense: I agree that all 14 year-old kids are not retarded little b*tches. But plenty of 14 year-olds do have an over-inflated ego and sense of self-worth… like yourself, for instance. So, no, MIND =/= BLOWN.

        I probably wouldn’t be responding to your comment if it weren’t for the fact that you do strike me as at least somewhat intelligent, and therefore worth the effort of a response. That having been said, you’re a bit too full of your own intelligence to realize its limitations, which is why I am taking the time to enlighten you (just in case the 16 thumbs down your comment has received as of this writing are insufficient in and of themselves).

        Regarding your comment to Revilo – his making a comment about religious people shoving their religion down other people’s throats does not qualify as “shoving” his own opinion down other people’s throats. A single comment qualifies as shoving? What he is clearly referring to is the fact that the overly-religious DO “shove” their views down the throats of others by posting their religious drivel on Facebook every single day. Now *that’s* shoving. Making a single comment *about* the shoving is not, in and of itself, shoving. Maybe if you had more adult friends on Facebook instead of teenagers, you’d be more familiar with the nauseating daily Christian posts that a lot of us have to suffer through. And saying “Just delete him idiot” demonstrates that you don’t really *get* the point of the article; the point of the article isn’t to get you to delete people who exhibit bad Facebook habits, but rather to get each of us to look at our own behavior to ensure that we ourselves are not exhibiting the sort of behavior that makes people want to delete *us*.

        Regarding your comment to KennyT – You actually have the nerve to praise Lora for exercising freedom of religion and freedom of speech, and yet chastise Kenny for expressing his own atheistic views? If she is entitled to believe in a magical sky daddy, then Kenny is just as entitled to not believe in that magical sky daddy. The really funny thing here is that you also say “Whose to say who is right in this situation” (and it should have been “Who’s” rather than “Whose”, btw), and completely ignore the fact that the entire basis of the Judeo-Christian religions is a collection of books written by shepherds who also believed that the earth was flat, that the sun went around the earth, Pi = 3.0 (instead of 3.14159…), and a few hundred other things that fly in the face of science *despite* allegedly being the written word of a deity with infinite knowledge (go to Google and do a search for Bad Bible Science; there are hundreds of websites that spell out just how ludicrous the Perfect Word of God actually is in terms of scientific fact).

        Regarding your comment to Lora – While I do like that you encourage her to exercise her freedom of religion and freedom of speech, what I don’t like is that you tell her “Stick to your ideas, fast and strong… No matter who agrees”. The reason I don’t like that is that it suggests we should never revisit / reanalyze our positions on things to make sure that they still make sense in light of new evidence. I don’t think a person should allow his/her opinions or beliefs to be swayed easily by popular opinion, but that doesn’t mean that a person should close his/her mind to the possibility that some long-held opinions or beliefs might actually have been wrong. As a child you probably believed in Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny, etc., but at some point (I hope) you managed to figure out on your own that it just didn’t make sense – so you revised your belief system in light of your ever-growing understanding of the world around you. I’m sure there have been times when you believed that somebody was telling you the truth about something, and even insisted to other people that it was the truth – but then you discovered evidence that showed you were wrong all along; you didn’t keep on insisting it was the truth once the evidence told you otherwise, but instead updated your beliefs based on the new evidence. When more and more people keep telling you that you’re wrong, it doesn’t necessarily mean that you’re wrong, but it does mean that you should consider scrutinizing your beliefs a bit (What is the evidence for this thing I believe in? What is the evidence *against* this thing I believe in? What are the psychological reasons that are involved in my adherence to this belief? Those people who believe in something different – why do they believe in what they believe? If I have logical arguments as to why they *shouldn’t* believe what they believe, could those same arguments apply to me and my beliefs?).

        So, yeah. Keep trying, kid. And don’t forget that you don’t have all the answers, but that’s ok because none of us – including me – have all the answers either.

      • COMMON SENSE.. and beyondddd!!! :D said

        @PhoenixM–
        Thanks for the intelligence props(<- Urbandictionary.com), really. Even if I don't agree with every single thing you said, it did make me think about the points I made. I did double cross myself a few time, I'll admit it. But does anyone really have all their beliefs and opinions spot on at an early teenage time? Not unless you were born in the 1700s. I disagree that my ego is "over-inflated" I was merely stressing the point that I'm not some big time scholar, that nothing I say is 100% and also to get someone, hopefully, to realize that not every single teenager is oblivious to everything but themselves. The trend is smart, the trend is opinionated, the trend is standing up for your ideas.. Not that what I think, say or do is just a fad, but we are coming out of the "LOL, U kno wat is goin dwn tmrw?" ages. I can honestly say that if anyone tried texting me like that I'd probably buy them a dictionary and teach them to spell. (Btw Sorry for my Whose/Who's mishap!) Now some acronyms are still acceptable, (ie- Btw, Wtf, Idk, Jk, ect.) most are just annoying (ie LOL, OMG, ect.) and the only people who think they're still cool are the kids under 12 and the 'folks' over 30. Just sayin'. Now to my responses…

        About the "throat shoving" Lora said ONE thing, and that was "we all need Jesus". Is that shoving her ideas at people? Not anymore that Revillos ONE comment saying "I'm glad you have Jesus but don't shove it at me" Was there any pushing or shoving going on? Not that I can see. One on One seems like a fair fight. Now if Lora would have come back and said something like "You need Jesus you sinner! You're going to rot in hell unless you repent right this second! You heartless, awful, horrible person!" then yeah, I would consider that shoving for sure. BUT none of that was going on was it.. I'll give and say neither of them were. Sorry Revv, didn't mean to "flip out on you".

        Regarding Kenny T though, I will say I'm not budging. He did NOT support his accusation that there was no God. I, on the other hand, told him that he doesn't have the power or knowledge to tell her God doesn't exist. To know that, Kenny would have to know everything, and is that humanly possible? I don't know, don't see me walking around with unlimited knowledge do you? So I conclude that there is no way of knowing if one can obtain infinite knowledge, or I'd have to have infinite knowledge.. Right?

        Now my opinions with this Lora thing- If she's is happy knowing that there is a being larger than the universe watching her sleep, than so be it! I'm not going to be one to tell her "Sorry hun, nobody cares about you; you're life has no point whatsoever and it'd be better to wander the earth aimlessly" Haha, trust me even if I did do you really think she's want to accept that? When I found out there wasn't Santa it was entirely different. Someone still cared enough to give me those presents, I still knew I'd get candy on Easter. Telling someone their "sky daddy" doesn't exist would leave them alone. If she's happy with someone dying for her sake, like every little girls prince charming should do, than let her be happy with it. Its like selling candy, you hear about this great new stuff, it's delicious and makes you feel good; would you want to share some with others? Or seeing a hilarious video on YouTube, would you run to your buddy and show him or tell him about it? Probably. It's what we do! But the only reason it's different is because believing in a God means that we are accountable for what we do, and that there is someone who has more power than us. I personally, am not a Christian. I just have to much time to think.. Something I personally believe that needs to happen more in our society..

        I'm not going to end this with some big stuck up "I'm Amazing and everything I say is right" speech.. I know that you can easily find fault in what I said, or you can disregard it if you really want to. But yes, this is the same person who did the last one.. I may have toned down my speech and put a little more depth in this one, but I blame it one the time (2am oops!)..
        I'm not shoving this down anyones throats, I'm not saying anyone needs to think like I do. But there's what I think.

        If you don't like it, that's your choice, your opinion. Which I do believe everyone is entitled to.. I stated why I think what I do. You find fault in it, tell me.(Nicely) I'll think about it. <3

      • I really enjoyed the exchange here between “Common Sense” and “Phoenix”.

        To “Common Sense”, as a 14 year old, you give me hope for the future as a thinking, and intelligent person with a bright future who, like my kids, has too much time to think and cannot sleep well! My oldest son was and is (at 25) much like you, and my youngest (at 16) also has the same type of ideals that will make him a great man should he pursue that greatness in the future. Good luck to you! I am sure you have much to look forward to.

        To “Phoenix”, thank you for your fine points that showed the discrepancies in the argument without coming across as pretentious or snarky. This approach helped not only the person you were replying to, but helped me to see his post more clearly and prompted an intelligent and well thought out reply from the teenager, showing his ability to accept and respond well to your critique.

        I believe you both made excellent arguments and came together in the end. Thank you for a great read and a bit of an eye opening (and mind opening) experience!

    • whatever! said

      You forgot about the husband and wife or mother and daughter who are obviously in the same house but communicating via FB instead of verbally. Gimme a break!

      • Theos Doron said

        Why on earth would they do that through status updates? Facebook has a chat function! I don’t know which is more annoying… that they’re too lazy to go talk to each other verbally… or that they’re not bright enough to figure out that FB has chat.

    • Dude! said

      … plus the one who only posts videos that aren’t funny and then keeps reposting it for so long till he got any comments about it.

    • am i tripping or is it snowing in this website??? wooowwww it’s so beautiful.

    • “Random” lyrics may not be that random. Lots of young people use the lyrics to encript messages they want just few people in their circle to get it.

    • yo1234 said

      What about the extreme Political Posts?!!! You missed that one. Don’t do it.

      • John said

        Exactly. Talking politics on Facebook is most annoying thing of all. No matter where you are on the political spectrum, if you start talking about politics, you’re going to piss people off. Some of your friends are conservative, some are liberal, and some are just pissed because they want to know why this delta bravo doesn’t know that talking about politics is unacceptable. Nothing will get me to hide someone faster than seeing their ignorant political views on Facebook. I don’t know how this was missed. Leaving it off this otherwise good list is like making a list of the best basketball players of all time and leaving off Michael Jordan.

    • Jason said

      I could also think of the “travel nut”. Someone that only posts travel plans and what not to make everyone on Facebook jealous of where they are going. All while the people reading that are stuck at work hiding the fact that they are surfing Facebook.

      • Jess said

        I get back at all the travel nuts by burglarizing their homes while they’re away. Travel Nut: “Going to NYC for 6 days!! Have fun at work, suckas!” Yeah, have fun while I’m stealing your tv and the jewelry you left behind.

    • Finnley said

      they missed the “quoter” the person that quotes lines from movies and funny things that occurred in conversations, likely during alcohol consumption, but sometimes sporadic sober encounters. i do this a lot. not sure if it’s acceptable. just like to share things i laugh at but maybe it’s actually stupid.

    • LoBam said

      Oh, oh, I’ve got one! The friend that absolutely, positively, refuses to use punctuation. If your status is fifteen lines long and you didn’t hit the period, comma, exclamation point, question mark, or semi-colon once, I am not reading it. I know you breathe. Type like it.

      • Rook said

        Your words are both scholarly and moving. I think I just found my new forum signature.

        “I know you breathe. Type like it.” – LoBam

  2. Simon said

    brilliant, simply brilliant.
    thanks once again for a well researched in depth report.

  3. Brightcast said

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  4. Michele Ruff said

    how about The Confession? Done mostly by high schoolers.. Like this status for a confession… or a truth. how about just be truthful at all times??

    • Proud_AF_Wife said

      most of those are spam viruses. they aren’t posted by the person, they got hacked.

      • Emilylylylylyly said

        Actually a lot of teenagers DO post things like, “like my status for a truth is…” meaning they’ll write on your wall what they actually think about you. It’s not spam or hacked accounts.

  5. courtney said

    I hate to read about how many times people break up and get back together as if relationship statues are a yo-yo. and also when people talk badly about their significant other on fb and they bickering back and forth on the website. why?

  6. Word..

  7. Bill said

    On top of the high school romance is there a picture that is more tired, played, and absolutely humiliating than the kissing on the cheek or lips picture. Nobody likes it when it’s PDA…we hate it even more when there is photographic evidence of it plastered on the internet (weddings excluded).

  8. DW said

    You forgot one… “The Facebook Scrooge” … the guy who doesn’t like anything that anyone on his friends list does, thinks, feels, or says… and then writes up one of these things! If you don’t like these people, delete them!… That way, you won’t have to bore yourself to tears with any of ‘em, and then you and the 2 friends you have left can live happily ever after :)

    • Lou said

      Thats harsh DW. I know exactly what hes talking about. Perhaps u r just lucky 2 not have self centered people on your friends list. Its the people that post things to draw attention 2 themselves & their fanmilies or friends the ones that think they r better than everyone & u cant delete them because oh yeah they r related 2 u. The ones that think look @ me look how special we r. If they would just stop looking @ themselves all the time they would see that they arent any different or better. They r just pompous & self absorbed.

      • YeahYeah said

        @DW- exactly.
        @Lou – Get real. You don’t think this entire article, funny as it may be, is intended to “draw attention” to its author? At present, 156 responses worth of attention, and the 100s/1000s of reposts that are sure to come. Every single fb status update – lame, pathetic, ingenious, stupendous or otherwise – is a call for attention. The article sums them up in a most hilarious fashion, ESPECIALLY b/c we all know (are) people who fit the bill.

      • I can’t lie. I’m an attention whore. You caught me.

      • Justin said

        Looks more like one self centered person can’t tolerate the other self-centered people in his so-called ‘friends’ list.

      • Grumpy not-that-old person who likes proper grammar said

        …which brings us to another pet peeve – overuse of stupid abbreviations. Write properly, it hurts my eyes to see all this ‘r’ ’2′ ‘rite’ ‘u’ nonsense!

      • CRB said

        I’m with Grumpy on this one (except I don’t see any use of “rite” anywhere, and I’ve read your comment a few times to be sure I didn’t miss it). your excessive use of @, 2, u, r, as well as your lack of apostrophe use (“its” instead of “it’s”–for example, when it’s possessive, like “his/hers”, you don’t need an apostrophe. if you aren’t sure, try typing “it is” when you’re tempted to use “its” to see if it works or not.) makes you look stupid. I don’t think you mean to come off that way, but that’s basically what happens when you use too many shortcuts.

    • Some things are just fun to write about, especially when it’s what the majority of us think but don’t have the guts to say!

  9. Michael said

    I think I know the one you missed – the person who posts inspirational quotes, or quotes of any kind, every day or several times a day. And ironically are the most popular because of it!!

    p.s. you have a few typos under the party animal section.

    • Rebecca said

      Yes! What’s even worse, are people posting these quotes and totally screwing up the spelling. or not even getting the right lyrics together. Really?!

    • djtenn said

      I called it the “Godisms”—people who post all these inspirational quotes and bible versus, but are the most obnoxious, non-spiritual in-real-life that you’d ever meet.

      • Lora said

        i am one of those ppl who post quotes and bible versus and i am NOT perfect , but certainly not what you “generalized” as obnoxious non-spiritual in real life ……….maybe that true for some ………not for me , just sayin

      • Adrianne said

        I find it interesting that those who plant their asses in a pew on Sunday morning, drinking in the tripe spewed by a church-ordained “expert” who takes passages out of context in order to make generalizations about those who do not belong to their particular cult, complain the most about being “generalized”. By the way, I speak from experience. I was a Christian at one time and bought into all that crap. Then I found the truth . . . and it isn’t in any church. Keep your proselytizing to yourself! I don’t want it on my FB page and will delete it if I find it there.

    • Bonnie J Moheshe said

      I love a good debate about anythiing–especally religion. But preach/judge and be intractable–straight to FB Hell.I don’t worship 1 million guys in Mexico—sorry.

  10. Chandler said

    FUN-NAY!!!!!! I am in tears!!!!

  11. I think one of THE dumbest things people do is to “check in” everywhere they go…..the library, the bar, the house, work, the car wash, El Mexican Restaurant, the beach, the bathroom, etc. Why do you want to either give people a license to stalk you or go burglarize your house because, clearly, you aren’t there?

    • themis said

      There are plenty of people who will check in when they are actually leaving.

    • sporky16 said

      on top of what Themis said, most people now have their statuses set so only their friends can see, and the only people who know where I live aren’t people that would steal from me….soooo as long as you aren’t stupid enough to be friends with people you don’t know or weirdo’s who steal your crap, you should be good to go!

    • kayque said

      Do they not know its really a gps and it can track where ever you were… shady shit

    • I got a friend who does that too, except he has really funny names for everywhere he goes, so its alright.

  12. Katy Lampson said

    well said!!!

    how about the people who think they’re CNN? always posting breaking news like the rest of us don’t follow all the news sources we’re interested in already? drives me nuts! if you have something to add to the story, or some opinion on it, ok, but otherwise just don’t post. ie: “sarah palin announces she will not run for president”. great, thanks, got it buddy!!

    • All the News That's Fit to Print said

      I must agree about “breaking news” like the all important “bear infestation problem” here in NJ (that’s a laugh). But plenty of things that aren’t on CNN or FOX News actually DO happen! It’s crazy, I know. The mainstream media doesn’t cover many important things… the thought is shear foolishness… In addition, interest in a news source != knowledge of what’s happening. If someone finds something intensely important and it is not being reported on major news outlets, they may want to let their loved ones and friends know. I know the idea of political discourse on a social network is like a stink bomb in the lecture hall. But maybe that’s the problem these days.

    • erin said

      THis is funny. But I’ll confess, being one who doesn’t watch much TV or news, the CNN breaking news friends are probably my most valuable resources :/

  13. L.Marie said

    I thought this was hilarious until I got to the part where you used the word “retarded”. Then I stopped reading….you should consider erasing that word from your vocabulary, it is highly offensive to people like me who are raising a child with special needs. Just a little advice! Other than that…funny stuff

    • Sarah said

      Look up the word retarded, its not just for people with special needs. I’m pretty sure this person was not after that group of people, but more for the idiots. But then again idiot has two different terms as well. Its a no win buddy

      • EAlex said

        @SARAH:

        re·tard·ed adj, \ri-ˈtär-dəd\
        Definition of RETARDED
        : slow or limited in intellectual or emotional development or academic progress

        re·tard·ed   /rɪˈtɑrdɪd/ Show Spelled[ri-tahr-did] Show IPA
        adjective
        1. characterized by retardation: a retarded child.
        noun
        2. ( used with a plural verb ) mentally retarded persons collectively (usually preceded by the ): new schools for the retarded.

        ………so how is it not just for people with special needs? I looked it up online and in 2 dictionaries and found no other definition. Either way you could just try being sympathetic to a mother with a special needs child rather than trying to defend the use of derogatory terms. I agree with l. marie, people should have more respect. I don’t think there is anything more heartbreaking than having a child who is sick, special needs, etc other than losing a child. It’s not a matter of being PC or not. It’s not a matter of “removing another word” from the English language. It’s about showing respect and dignity for a branch of our society that more often than not is unable to defend themselves when some one offends them by using this word. Individuals with disabilities that are mocked because of something that they can do NOTHING about and because of their disability are often unable to say, “hey stop using that word.” It is cruel and shameful, especially when your use of the R word is done to denote inability to fully function and it directly targets those with disabilities. So it’s up to us to stand up and realize that we’ve made a mistake. That’s why the R word needs to be removed from our everyday language, from film, from TV, from comedy.

      • @Sarah, only in disparaging slang does “retarded” mean idiot according to a dictionary source. Here is the dictionary link because I actually looked it up: http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/retarded. Oh in case you don’t know how to look up “disparaging” here is the link: http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/disparaging. @L. Marie all the best to you and to your family. Way to advocate for them.

      • Danndie said

        @EAlex… The “R” word? Are you kidding me? That makes you sound like a 5 yr old or dare I say… retarded. Seriously, annexing words from our vocabulary does nothing for the issue other than to be the ostrich and stick our heads in the sand. If you really want to help your child let them know retard it is not a curse, foul word, or dirty thing to be hidden away. Let them know to always be proud of who they are and the love they can offer. I have worked with mentally disabled children and adults for most of my life. And I would like to say I have heard several of THEM say, “well, that’s retarded!” Then look at me in a knowing way and laugh their heads off. Disabled people tend to have a great sense of humor.. It’s just a word, get over it!

        Oh BTW, Hilarious and true article about fb.. love it!

      • Rick said

        Tabatha – feeling strongly about something does not give you permission to be a jerk to those who disagree with you. Here’s a good example of what you did: Whatever, Tabatha–at least Sarah knows how to spell her own name; what kind of loser spells “Tabitha” with an “a” instead of an “i”?
        Not really much fun, is it? So let’s try making our points without being “disparaging” to others on here, m’kay?

      • Retard said

        You’re retarded if you get offended by someone using retard in an article, or in any way not disparaging to the handicapped. lighten up and join society, it’s ok to laugh.

    • Baleful Polymorph said

      Censorship is bad, mmkay…

      • JOHN G said

        This isn’t a “censorship” issue, and it isn’t simply a semantic issue either. It is however, a politically incorrect way of speaking that exposes old-fashioned and bigoted attitudes. Even though it may not be used to cause offense directly to people with special needs, it does in fact cause offense because it has previously been used in that way. It is just common sense. Words have meanings, associations and power, and it is actually ignorant to NOT choose to express yourself with more respect to the others around you.

      • Papa John said

        F**k freedom of speech. My fragile ego needs protecting more than your ability to say stuff.

    • Sped Friendly said

      As a Special Ed teacher/ SpEd momma….I’d like to say….GET OVER IT! I have devoted my life to helping and teaching MR kids and loving my child…I LOVE special needs people but get tired of the overly sensitive people I deal with daily! STOP being upset at the word “retarded” It was derived from the musical word meaning “slow yet beautiful” Years ago they used to refer to people with limited IQ’s as IDIOTS but people don’t get upset when people say that word…because the negative connotation is understood and people know that they are not talking about people with limited mental functions. There has been such an uproar against the term “Mentally Retarded” or MR That they have changed it in schools to “intellectual deficit” or ID! ID is a lot closer to “idiot” then MR….In my opinion we are regressing because people throw a fit over people-friendly language. If people stop giving the word power….it would be a much nicer place! Call a spade a spade and get out of denial. Once you’re over it… Life is a lot smoother for everyone. I teach “Love who you no matter how different you may seem” That’s more important than ANY label!

      • Favabean said

        Sped, whoever told you that “retarded” comes from some “musical word is wrong. Etymologically, it is based in the word ‘tardy,” which the online etymology dictionary lists as follows:

        tardy — late 14c. (implied in tardity), from O.Fr. tardif (12c.), from V.L. *tardivus, from L. tardus “slow, sluggish, dull, stupid,” of unknown origin.

        re- is an intensifier. The musical usage is a late 15th-century development.

        But the issue here is not really the etymology, it is the social usage of the wrd retarded. And that is undeniably as a pejorative. Thus, those who care should avoid perpetuating it.

      • Betsy Behr said

        Absolutely great point, Sped Friendly… Political Correctness has gone too far, just like Affirmative Action. That’s what happens when you let government tell you how to speak and how to think.
        Idiot, Retard, Moron, Imbecile…. these are all on the list of possible IQ results, along with Genius and Average.

        Perhaps instead of comparing human shortcomings to intelligence levels, we might use animal, though PETA will object.

        Or is that a donkey thing to suggest?

      • Joe W. said

        thank you for a rare few words of wisdom – i find that typically it’s only people of limited intelligence that espouse the idea that “words” should be removed from any language – it’s how words are used, not what they “could” mean taken out of context, that ultimately matters.

      • Just a Thought said

        @Sped Friendly (& anyone else that cares)- I came to the same conclusion a long time ago. You have been there, done that, & learned the lessons we’re (IMO) supposed to take away from living with/caring for special needs people (not just children either). That they are the way they are. Children learn what they live, regardless of ability or otherwise. If there is emphasis based on specific words or phrases being negative, it will only breed the same result. And you’re explanation regarding the word being derived from “slow yet beautiful” is exactly how the word was meant to be used & people did give it negative power. Those still giving that power are the ones who have the most difficult time accepting that their loved one isn’t “normal” or “perfect”. No human being is perfect, never will be, & I have yet to meet anyone without some type of dysfunction. I appreciated your candor & commend you for “calling a spade a spade”. If more people would stop attaching stigma, the less it will be bred into the next generation. And just a little side note, the dictionary quoted would have to be very biased, otherwise anything labeled “flame RETARDANT” should be rendered insensitive also- I’m pretty sure they’re not talking about human capability whatsoever. *Let it be known that I have no desire to give my education level, my personal acquaintance with a particular individual, whether I have anything to do with MH/MR or not. It doesn’t apply to my personal opinion & doesn’t matter where it formed from either* Thanks!

    • Bonnie J Moheshe said

      Retard is a verb–To slow or prevent progression. Perfectly good word.
      Sincerely, your local cripple.

    • CRB said

      you can either censor the word from yourself and your children, or you can (as Danndie said) expose, and thus desensitize, yourself and your children to the word, thus allowing you both the ability to NOT react when it gets thrown around at you.

  14. Chrisc818 said

    Love it! There is one type I think you are missing. I have a friend that literally posts every 5 minutes and it’s always commentary about how God is blessing him in this “season of his life”. Now don’t get me wrong, I’m Christian and appreciate the occasional bible verse but spouting constantly about God makes you look like you are a nutcase with a holier-than-thou attitude.

    • Donald A Harris said

      In agreement with Chrisc818, and how about the ones that downright insult other peoples religions directly? I mean I had this one friend (deleted for the following reason):
      Her Post: Atheists are so f**king retarded, believing that two magical atoms came outta nowhere, rubbed together and somehow exploded creating everything, they should get a brain and find the glory of god in their lives.
      My reply: I’m not Atheist, but I do happen to have some friends that are, and not all Atheists believe in the “Big bang theory”; many do in fact believe in a higher power, they just don’t believe it’s a magical old guy in the sky (Where did he come from? My guess is if he created everything as you claim, then that would mean he came outta nowhere as well, so which is more retarded; believing that two of the tiniest things in the universe came outta nowhere? or, that a whole living entity did?). You need to do some reasearch before you start making ignorant comments and showing to the world how stupid you are.
      Her reply: Everyone’s entitled to their own opinions but I’m not going to tolerate your cursing and using profanity when you reply to something I write.
      ……Needless to say I went to write her a response asking; “where in my statement is one curse or profanity word?” and found that due to her ignorance she had blocked me from posting any replies and sending PMs. Find the profanity in her statement (hint: I used asteriks whereas she didn’t), then find the profanity in my reply to hers (if you can).

    • shla190029 said

      Disagree. The friend that Donald describes is indeed out of line for what she said. However, Chrisc818, the only person being intolerant in your case is you. Just because your friend is passionate about God and wanting to express that love he feels as a result does not make him a nutcase or a self-righteous person, and thus shouldn’t be judged as so. They were merely speaking about how they feel moved by God’s influences on their life (blessings).

      People forget that the word bigotry doesn’t just apply to Christians or conservatives who cannot respect liberals or non-Christians. It applies to anyone and everyone who exhibits animosity or intolerance towards those who hold different lifestyles and opinions than their own. If you aren’t moved in the same way or don’t desire to, that is fine. To each his own. But that doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with your friend for doing so.

      • Favabean said

        Shla — both Christianity and its evangelism (aka the “good news”) have a privileged and indefensible status that is unfortunately not shared by other doctrines. I can’t help but wonder how tolerant you would be if your Muslim friend (presuming you would have one), periodically posted “Allah is greatest!”

      • Frank Loyd Vayber said

        I’m surprised by the number of thumbs down to your comment, Shla. I am an agnostic and I totally agree with you. Although, I’m not sure I’d characterize Chrisc’s opinion has “bigoted”. He just wanted to add to the list of annoying posts on FB.

      • Revilo said

        There is something wrong with forcing your religious opinions on others. Although there is the option to ignore facebook statuses, people shouldn’t have to resort to that. I’m not targeting any one religion either. Favabean has a good point that it would be annoying to you if someone else’s religious extremism conflicted with your beliefs. Believing what you want to is a great privelege of being human. However, unless someone is okay with different opinions being thrown at them and forced into their faces, they need to reconsider how much they force theirs at others.
        For example, when Jehovah’s witness come to my door to try to convert me to their beliefs I tell them that I’m atheist and am late for an abortion appointment (of course it is a lie, and I wish I didn’t have to resort to shenanigans to avoid imposition on my beliefs.) I may be going to hell for this in your opinion, but if giving religious pushers a shock to get to keep thier religion to themselves, so be it.

      • Shla – The idea behind the article is one should try to at least recognize the bad habits/obnoxious behavior for your benefit as well as those of your friends. Chris is not bigoted for pointing out his friend is exhibiting classic obnoxious behavior. there’s passion in ones beliefs, and then there is constant bombardment of propaganda. Chris is only coming from the point of view that posting one thing a day is probably OK, posting 5-20 a day is insane or just a blatant grab for attention no matter what the subject matter is.

    • S said

      Yup. The religious fanatic is my biggest annoyance on FB. Unfortunately, I went to a Baptist university, so I have a lot of friends that post this shit.

      • twistedbark said

        Definitely agree — IF i felt the need to listen to religious delusion meant to control the ignorant masses, I’d go to church on my own and choke a chicken OR play with rattlesnakes OR speak in tongues OR get healed! This heretic and blasphemer simply isn’t interested in hearing about how others submit to the con-job called organized religion. One word of how God is your salvation and guiding light, giving you strength, to make it through the day, and you’re out!

      • Revilo said

        Congrats on your beliefs, to each their own. But sometimes I feel as if the religious fanatics are too dedicated. It is truly great that you are so passionate about your higher power, but seriously, you don’t need to thank them for the pimple you have on your chin or the bowel movement you just had! Or if you REALLY do, send up a silent prayer, but keep it off facebook.

  15. Jen said

    You forgot the Farmville and tap fish updates.

  16. Steve said

    Truly brilliant. You managed to put into words exactly what I’m thinking. Bravo!

  17. Regan said

    I’m finding a lot of the people sharing this on FB are the guilty ones. They probably think they’re not.

  18. janey said

    So, pretty much 98% of all Facebook updates. But you forgot one. The person that pretty much does nothing but share news/blog articles….

    • twistedbark said

      Now, IF it is international news from foreign nations giving different takes upon what’s happening throughout the world — I enjoy such posts — especially as the alleged news Americans are allowed to see and hear is so highly censored, and spun to represent the owner and editorial board of any particular media here in the states. I read at least a dozen international newspapers per day, and friends always comment about being made aware of the “other angle” of an issue OR of an event or injustice they never knew was ongoing. Being well-read, informed and educated isn’t a bad thing — especially as most people get their information from such limited sources and remain ignorant to the world at large, the global community, and how limited American news media truly is, as ratings and “spin” control our nation’s media.

    • Ben Franklin (pre-death) said

      Like, you know, important things? Never understood the animosity towards starting a political, philosophical, or ideological discussion on a social network. It’s like the only crap people find worth discussing is fictional nonsense or horrible “reality” television. I think a major indicator of our society’s political awareness and level of intellect is the volume of intellectual debate on our social networks (where nearly 1/2 of our socializing occurs these days). By that measure, the picture is pretty bleak. No wonder folks like to focus on fictional “reality” so much…

    • Natalie said

      Actually, chances are if all you’re seeing are news articles they’ve ‘Liked’ then they have you on restricted profile.. I keep people I went to high school with on restricted profile and all they can see are my Likes. Just sayin’

  19. Adam said

    Love this. I’m also a fan of the “LOVIN LIFE!!!” and “I love my husband soooo much. He’s soooooooo sweet!!!”. Fucking kill me.

    • Randi said

      Yeah… the “Awww, my hubby brought me dinner… LML!” and “I have the best life EVER!!!” gag me They are the fastest to get hidden on my feed…

      • Bonnie J Moheshe said

        What if I post, “My bf spent ten whole minutes looking at vases with me before excusing himself from the store to beat his sweet head against the wall.”?

  20. Blue said

    Possible Fixes: Delete the people who annoy you.

    • Amy said

      If it’s a family member, I will just hide (or now, it’s unsubscribe) from their posts, so they don’t get offended.

  21. Love it! I wrote a similar post not too long ago. I liked reading yours since I’m not allowed to laugh at my own. But I’ll share it… http://curlycarly.com/2011/09/08/a-slap-in-the-facebook-7-senseless-facebook-crimes-2/

  22. And…I just realized this was posted nearly a year ago. Nice.

  23. You left out the over checker in guy…the one who feels it is a necessity to let everyone know just how freaking cool they are based on their favorite douche bag watering hole.

  24. GenderSpecific said

    I think the quoter, or the inspirational thought of the minute person would be a good addition.

  25. carlea said

    This is really funny. You left out two or three that show up on my minifeed quite regularly: 1. miss “i either didnt go to college when everyone else did and/or am still in junior college eight years later and am just now realizing that college requires work so i have decided to use facebook as a no holds barred bitchboard for how my life is overrrrr, i have 634 one page double spaced term papers to write, textbooks are expeeennssssiveee, waaaa waaa waaaa.” Just wait for the real world honey. You will be begging to go back to college. 2. Mr/mrs talks mad shit about everyone elses football team until his//her team loses and then is “so above all the childish things people are saying about my football team. I swear im getting off facebook.” and 3. mr/mrs I could not spell my way out of a paper bag even if all the words only had one syllable/my grammar is so awful my fb privileges should be revoked because i am causing people to have to re-read my status to decipher what it says/means

  26. Random said

    How about the person that spams all of the music videos?

  27. Hillary said

    I actually have been chased by a mother goose on a daily run. I wish I had known it was acceptable to post.

  28. Tee said

    Great stuff! The only one you left out was the chronic facebook DJ!

    • Don Walker said

      My all-time pet peeve — yes. The chronic DJ who posts songs like “Doobie Brothers, Listen to the music” for no rhyme or reason. I see that and I think, “What, are you suggesting I should listen to the music?” “Is there something wrong with THIS particular piece of music?” Because I would not know. You simply posted a piece of music and gave no reason why you would do so. Do you think I never heard that song, or that I’m so isolated from radio and music in general that I need your guidance on what songs to listen to — and God forbid an overplayed song from the 1970s? Why!? Why!!?

  29. JR said

    The self-liker.

    Why it’s obnoxious: Similar to the LOL :) problem of the Giggler, why on earth would we need to be told that you liked what you wrote? It’s self-evident. And it’s a poor cry for attention, hoping that you liking it will be contagious and cause all your friends to like it too and so that you can feel better about your posting ability and, therefore, about yourself.

    What’s acceptable: Like others’ posts. Let others like your post.

    Possible fixes: See “What’s acceptable.”

    The High and Mighty

    Obnoxious update: “Why should I have to put up with another person who pronounces “mischievous” “mischeeeveeee-us”? Didn’t they got to high school? Take the SAT? Get a dictionary already.”

    Why it’s obnoxious: Do you really think you’re perfect? Do you really think that a little mispronunciation or misspelling is that serious a character flaw? Get over yourself. And we know that oftentimes you have us, your “friends”, in mind when you wrote that. And, frankly, we don’t like undue criticism.

    What’s acceptable: Make fun of one of your own mistakes. Highlight a mistake that actually led to a funny moment of miscommunication.

    Possible fixes: When preparing your status ask, “Is this witty or sharp and stinging?” “Is this really important?” “Will reading this actually entertain or edify anyone else?”

    • PhoenixM said

      A recent quote I saw (and loved): “Liking your own Facebook status is like high-fiving yourself in public.”

    • CRB said

      sometimes, I like my own status updates when I’m angry and being ridiculously passive-aggressive, as I’m prone to being at times–but only then.

  30. lol

  31. Kimber said

    You also missed the “I’m So Great I Piss Rainbows and Fart Unicorns” Facebooker.

    Seriously though…you could write a book on all the status sins that are committed on a daily basis. I laughed hysterically while reading this and realized that I’ve also engaged in a few of these once or twice. Kudos to you for calling us out!

  32. dmc0129 said

    Next one should be about the pictures people post on facebook…

  33. Zack said

    You forgot the one where people write articles about Facebook statuses and hope that people post them to Facebook.

  34. suz said

    I agree with all of it! But what would you say to the ones who put a picture of themselves on FB nearly everyday? That irritates the fool out of me!

  35. vick said

    its missing the Quoter

  36. Christina said

    Although touched upon in some of the subjects, I feel another category cdould have EASILY been the person that constantly quotes literature, famous people, etc. How irritating, especially when wee know this person has never read a book in their entire lives. Piggybacking off of this, how about the Facebook Philosopher? the person constantly trying to sound profound, often by quoting famous people or literature.

  37. Keo said

    You forgot the random song lyricist. Those who put lyrics to how they are feeling, maybe be a cousin to the Riddler.

  38. Amber said

    What about the people who take daily pictures of themselves? Its always in the bathroom and the girls always try to do a trout pout to try to look sexier. Personally, I think they look constipated. And really? Why daily pictures? Are you dramatically losing weight? That would be cool to watch. But other than that, relax on the mirror pics. And smile for heavens sake!

    • Spif said

      YES YES YES!!!! This is the first one I thought of that was missing from the list! The people (hate to say it, but mostly girls) who have 500 or more pictures of themselves they took by holding a camera at arms length and doing the duck face or trout pout!

  39. Rebecca Piva said

    This is totally funny the only that I can think of that may be a good addition is the THE VACATIONERS…the people who are constantly, from the minute they are packing, updating thier status…in my mind how can they be having such a wonderful time when so busy telling us what a wonderful time they are having sipping a mojo, having a massage or sitting on the beach relaxing…whilst still updating us all in an attempt to let us know how great a vacation they are having. Very funny article…Thanks…here is my LOL for YOUR article..

  40. Rachael said

    I LOVED this! Can I please add the pregnant moment to moment constant updates and pics of prego bellys?

    • AndieB88 said

      This is hilarious! I’m 6 months pregnant, and have posted an occasional belly pic (we are away from all of our friends and family, so it is usually at their request), but I have VERY FEW status updates about pregnancy, because millions of women before me, and millions of women yet to come have/will carry babies! But I have tons of pregnant friends who feel the need to update their status several times a day with how uncomfortable they are, or what aches and pains they have at that moment! Get over it! Having a baby is not easy, and I’m pretty sure people know that before getting pregnant! You don’t need to tell us about everything you’re going through, especially when they are just everyday pregnancy things!

    • Thanks Rachael! . . . Wait! WHAT? People are posting ultrasounds and baby bump pics!?!?! That definitely makes the list. Oh gosh, I’m glad those haven’t hit my news feed yet. You have just given me something to worry about every time I login!

  41. Jen said

    Loved this. The only one you forgot was the You Tube VJ. I seriously do not need to see a huge playlist of my friends favorite songs and videos because they got bored around midnight.

  42. Badblogcheck said

    Authors,
    Read a little something about grammar before writing an obnoxiously long piece about everyone elses social networking faux pas.

  43. eb said

    you forgot a key type: “the my life is better than yours” poster…just finished a rare meal of fresh caught oysters on the coast in northern california…landed in barcelona…cava aged in a cave in madrid tastes so good at sunset

    • twistedbark said

      You sound like the jealous type — don’t get out much, do you??? As a world traveler, I enjoy my friend’s posts as they too, are out doing something different than driving through Taco Bell or Watching Football . . . You really have no interest in seeing or hearing about places and things that you’ll never see OR do because your set of priorities are completely different? I suggest you get off the couch and go to Istanbul to enjoy a cruise along the Bogazici Deniz to a balik lokantasa on the edge of the Black Sea — eat cig kofte, drink raki, and have a great time — take pictures and post them too, that will really P!$$ off the other lazy and uninspired . . .

      • LL said

        @Twistedbark, I think what Eb is getting at is the BRAGbooker… someone that is always announcing how great their life is…I’m going to S.America, then Australia and maybe while I’m at it I’ll take a rocket to the moon, 2012 will be the most awesome year of all! Great.. Sounds like quite a trip, but there is no need to brag about it, why don’t you just share how great your trip is with pictures and a conversation when you return? Also, I think your direct insult of calling people lazy that don’t travel the world is really shortsighted considering that kind of LUXURY isn’t available to everyone. Going back to the point of this article… the point of status updates is to let people know what you are up to, but you will quickly be deleted from newsfeeds if you aren’t interesting.

      • Steve said

        When you figure out a way for the rest of us to do that on $25K/yr let me know. It does sound fun!

  44. wes said

    Now how do I get all the obnoxious friends of mine to read this, then act upon it?

  45. cindy said

    i am definitely guilty of a few of these! i have to say this was exactly what needs to be said due to the all of the above that i’ve endured since i started on facebook!

  46. Stacey said

    You forgot those obnoxious videos! You know, the ones who have a favorite song for every freeking mood swing! Enough! Only the truly hysterical,inspirational or touching vids should be posted. Period.

  47. Lisa Moerbe said

    The Obvious Oracle could also be called The Obvious /Innocuous Oracle…” I just ate a bagel..” or ” Im hungry…” the last time I checked FB is not Twitter!
    If I wanted to be informed of the smallest minutia in this persons life,.i.e when they are hungry and/or what they just had for breakfast,.I would follow them on Twitter!

  48. anonymous said

    I have another one to add! The “I’m such a great Mom” one. I know multiple moms that post every little thing they do for their kiddos as if they are the most creative and hard working moms in the world. Like turkeys out of fruit, making tutus, going to get something they want, etc. Do they really think those of us who aren’t posting them aren’t doing the same kind of things?

  49. indyink said

    I can add two:

    1. Copy-and-Paste Scripturephiles: I’m a theologian, so I think Scripture is pretty important. Several of my Facebook friends take it a bit further by visiting Bible Gateway 3-6 times per day to copy and paste large chunks of Scripture as a status update. Why it’s obnoxious: I have a Bible, and it’s a free country. I can open it any time I want. Cool. What’s acceptable: Tell me why you think the quote is so profound, or just blog about it if it’s that important. Possible fixes: “Men are freaking crazy. My new hero is that lady from Judges who nailed the guy’s brain to the ground with a tent peg.”

    2. Precocious Plagiarists: 14-year-old gets a Facebook. 14-year old is interested in nothing but Jonas Brothers and sneaking time on Dad’s iPad. 14-year-old suddenly starts posting brilliantly-written, insightful status updates so funny it would make Steve Martin jealous. Everyone comments, “You are so clever and hilarious!” believing–without question–that said updates are original. Why it’s obnoxious: We’ve heard of Mitch Hedberg. You’re not him. What’s acceptable: Attribute the quotes or make up your own original material. Possible fixes: Come on. If I post something that can be copied and pasted, it just misses the point.

    Love, love, love the list.

    Indy

    • Plagiarists suck! said

      I had a friend who does this! She took my words and posted them as her own. I didn’t sit for half an hour thinking of a tribute to my dad for his service in the military for her to jack it and take my dad’s name out to replace it with someone else’s. She does this with every well thought out status I post. When I confronted her about it, she “had no idea what I was talking about.” She got cut from my friends list.

    • Thank you! . . . Those two are stellar! Hahaha Easily better than mine.

  50. John said

    What about the hyper-religious freak. I do not care what you believe not why.

  51. Janet said

    Let’s not forget all the bible beater posts and people selling crap!

  52. Janet said

    Let’s not forget all the bible beater posts and people selling crap!!!

  53. tanya said

    You forgot the church goer…. JESUS FREAK!

  54. tanya said

    And the Secret Joker… constantly making catty & obscure statements for attention. Ha, or the Secret Lover… that posts song dedications constantly…to who the fuck knows..?

  55. Josh said

    You did forget the stupid games where people are posting ridiculous crap that makes no sense at all. Also, the stupid “like my status and I’ll give you a color or number or ……..”

  56. Shahin said

    Awesome list. I would add these two:
    1) People who are too grateful and post messages like “life is beautiful”
    2) People who post a bunch of youtube links and songs that only they enjoy, perhaps 10 songs in a row.

  57. Craig said

    You forgot the self-righteous blogger who thinks he knows what everyone else should be doing. Facebook is what it is. Block or hide the people you don’t like on fb and be done with it.

  58. Roleplay said

    Like.

  59. Bianca said

    hahaha. Those are perfect.

    The Weather Reporter is another favorite.

    “It’s RAINING! Lovin’ this weather!”

    “Where did all the wind come from?!”

    “Sooo excited it’s snowing outside! Brrr!”

    We get it.

  60. Heather said

    Great list. I would def add the YouTube video guy, the song lyric people, and those motherfucking people that post pictures of their feet at the beach with a “life is good” caption or some douchey equivalent. Feet are gross and you are a dipshit.

  61. Erin The Great said

    Hilarious and sadly so true about 85% of the statuses I sort through daily. How about the people that wish FB ‘good morning’ and ‘goodnight’… Sweet baby Elvis, why?! ‘Good Morning Facebook, hope to have a great day today’. I’m wondering if somehow FB turned into a magical genie that automatically grant you a good day if you keep in constant contact? Cut the cord people!

  62. I think posting lyrics is fine, but posting desperate lyrics (“The razor’s pressed to flesh when I think of you”) and then dismissing it as song lyrics either shows a complete unawareness of its meaning and/or language in general, or someone who’s trying to conceal suicidal urges. I’d like to care, but when you answer “Are you okay?” with “What do you mean?” I’m thinking that you just don’t understand your own status.

  63. will said

    Forgot to add the Daily Affirmation Quoter. Guilty of posting song lyrics, coaches, and other notable quotes.

  64. Reblogged this on RecklessAddicts and commented:
    lmao this is sooo true!! def comparable to my “Over you, Over this Relationship” post.

  65. Audrey said

    Some of these may have already been covered, but in case they haven’t, I’ll offer up a few more:

    1) The fast food nation foodie. Posts pics of 3000 calorie meals with either shame or pride.
    2) The TMI-er. We really don’t need to know what your body’s passing, thankyouverymuch.
    3) The e. e. cummings. eg.: thankyouverymuch
    4) The droll exaggerator, which I am quite guilty of, where one writes. in. william. shatner. style. to. express. shock. or. surprise.

  66. ThomaSexy said

    I have more: 1) The music video poster 2) The random music lyric poster 3) The “I have a 20 page term paper due. Fml” 4) And the worst of all: The emotional political poster, especially during election times.

  67. ThomaSexy said

    Oh yeah! I forgot those people who secretly give their friends a number and they post a comment about that number: “#3 you are the best friend ever!” “#87 We’ve gone on some crazy adventures, haven’t we? Omfg! LoL!”

  68. ThomaSexy said

    Oh! I forgot one more: The puppy poster. This is someone who posts a million photos of their dog and constantly updates about what their dog is doing.

  69. I held my breath the whole time wondering if I was one of them. I’m not, but sometimes I annoy myself on Facebook.

  70. Brady said

    This is good stuff. I’m afraid to admit that I have committed several of these crimes. I will cease and decist immediately. Thank you for helping bring me to my senses.

  71. Nikki said

    THE CLUB PROMOTER….done and done.

  72. Daniella said

    Someone forgot the illiterate gangster teenagers. u no, da onez dat talk lyk diss ; ahahaz ;))
    I find them very annoying. I hope they know that it just makes them seem more uneducated than they already are.

  73. Mismim said

    I simply hide people that quote too many bible verses and give us the play by play like “I have to take my kids to school…stand by” What? Stand by why? Oh, so I can see your lame life is spent on FB 24/7…get a job or make your bed. Also, the braggy mom about their kids in sports. All our kids have scored goals. Lastly, people FREAK me out when I forgot you were one of my 600 friends completely because you never post ANYTHING…EVER and you creep on my page so much that I randomly run into you in a resturant and you know everything about me and I know nothing about you. Not fair….delete! Freaky-creepers freak me out!

    • LL said

      So, you’re going to gripe when people post about their lives and then turn right around and gripe about people not posting…

  74. Zoraida said

    First of all I am guilty of at least one obnoxious status that mades the list :D.

    The one update which is the most obnoxious in my book is the person that decides to announce that they are errasing their FB account. Why announce it? Just do it! I know that they are fishing for comments from their friends begging them to continue with their accounts. It is just plain sad that they have to go to that lenght in order to get some attention :(.

    • Zoraida said

      Oh darn I left out another one: People who update their status with compromising pictures of their friends without asking. They know what they are doing, if you are a true friend you are not going to post a picture of your friend drunk on the floor :D

    • JML said

      Or the one that does finally remove their Facebook account, and then a few months later creates again, and then eventually announces they will be removing it again.

  75. echeevo72 said

    How about the ridiculous status updates, typically about Christianity, or so-called patriotism or social causes that conclude with “97% won’t repost this.” Like who came up with that arbitrary number and why does that number apply to every single one of these posts? Should their be a new Facebook group called “We are the 3 percent”?

    • commonmom said

      I agree, it’s the postings that make you feel like a selfish pig if you don’t re-post to support the troops, or cancer research, or closing puppy mills. If I re-posted every time I was asked to, I’d be changing my status multiple times daily! Just because I don’t post it on Facebook doesn’t mean I don’t support the cause.

  76. Slam Hound said

    you’re missing the conspiracy theorist and the bible-thumper

  77. who cares said

    really? how about a nice cup of shut the f*** up. since when did this page become the fb police patrollin the walls an halls of FB. dont like it. dont read it.”LOL”. who ever created this oviously has WAY to much time on their hands due to lack of friends an family from becoming a hermit creating this B.S. Post what u want, everyones got their own opnion, an this is mine. if you dont like it. you shouldnt have took the time to read it. if ya did, fine. idk you, you dk me. So what, who cares, good bye…

    • get off your high horse said

      I agree! Too many judgemental and just plain anal people out there! If everyone listened to all of these suggestions there would be nothing left “appropriate” to post! Leave people alone! MEAN PEOPLE SUCK!

  78. Emily said

    I think that those who constantly post bible exerts should be included in this list. A) It’s annoying, and B) don’t preach to me on facebook. I am your friend you don’t need to try to convert me to your beliefs.

    The rest of these were great, unfortunately I think I fall under the riddler more times than I mean to. Going to work on that.

  79. A Clark said

    Apparently your friends witness earth-shattering events daily, live in Beverly Hills (or some other part of the country where celebrity sightings are common), and have superhuman kids. Guess what? Life is not generally a collection of news-worthy events – maybe yours is? The friends I have are real people, living in real times. I happen, by the way, not to violate a single one of your most hated statuses – I generally agree with you about some of your pet peeves (can I add “like my status”?), but I can get through the news feed most days without too many eye rolls. Sure, maybe my little collection of people would annoy the socks off you, but they’re MY people, and I’ll read about their bad days and their kids accomplishments, etc., without annoyance because that’s what a good friend does. Maybe you should delete some of your so-called friends. Bette yet, maybe they should delete you.

  80. Hannah said

    My personal most hated: the advertiser…come to my blog and buy this…I have a contest running…vote for me on…

    Yeah, we get it…you like your blog. Get over it!

  81. David said

    Guilty as charged on the YouTube VJ. Sometimes it works and you actually turn people on to something interesting and new (to them.) However, if most get no comments or likes, you, like me, are probably overdoing it. Mea culpa, mea culpa, mea maxima culpa. It’s still an order of magnitude better than the copy-and-pasters.

  82. Bella Ann said

    ha ha!!

  83. Tracy said

    how about the 3-4 sentence long trial & tribulations of an emotional event that end with “if you lost somebody to cancer & miss them, copy & repost” or if you love your daughter, copy & repost…anything along those lines that ends in “copy&repost”…it’s like please, have an original thought and put your own words up there. so annoying.

  84. Captain Inappropriate said

    Well, if they don’t like it, they can always unfriend me.

  85. Anti-boy/girl pop bands said

    We all know one and we’ve all been one. Hate the obnoxious all you want but you’ve done it before, too :) You know you have. I love keeping mine to funny or inspirational but every so often I have to avoid that conversation w/ douche bag work out boy, so I pop out the phone to look busy and will post something stupid just so my eyes are on something else and he thinks I’m occupied. FB is a network housing more than 5 million people (I could be low balling that, I really have no clue how many people use this addiction) but my point is is that if you choose to use it you choose to accept the stupids. What are your options? “Block” “Hide” “Remove from Friends”, etc. FB gives you all sorts of ways to avoid those posts that annoy you :) I know the people in my life that drive me batty…so after I accept their request, I immediately hide their posts. That way, when Lil’ Timmy takes his first dump in a real toilet, I don’t have to read about it :) As funny as this was to read, bitching about what someone posts on FB is like complaining about the Weather when you live in Seattle. Just sayin… :)

  86. Crystal said

    One you forgot…

    The Religious Zealot! I am so tired of hearing how much you love Jesus and how great your God is. If he is so great then please keep it to yourself! We also dont care that you read scriptures every day. Please stop posting about it!

  87. Heidi said

    I don’t know. The article was somewhat funny (this as someone who rarely ever updates my fb status, and when I do so, it is usually for comic purposes, and never in third person singular) but I keep my fb account deliberately low profile and only ‘friend’ people who really are my friends because I actually do care to hear about when my nephew scored three times in his basketball game, and see the pictures. Otherwise I wouldn’t be on fb at all: it isn’t my cup of tea; but it’s a way to be more a part of the lives of people who live at a distance and whose lives I do care to be a part of. If one is using fb in that way — at least some of this, while humorous and recognisable — doesn’t apply. I suppose I’m making this comment because going too far in mocking friends seems like part of the problem, not part of the solution, to the inappropriately self centered and immature usage we tend to make of many mediums.

  88. Nero said

    Hn. Is it just as obnoxious to whine about all of this?

  89. JustAnnoyed said

    There’s also the people that post all of those animal cruelty pictures and every picture from every humane society in the US. OK, I’m an animal lover too but I don’t need to be reminded that people can be cruel to animals with 15 different posts one after the other. And I also am not going to Wherever, ND to adopt an animal. If I want to adopt, I’ll contact my local shelter myself.

    Also, all of those stupid animal pictures with quotes under them. One may be funny every once in a while, but 10 in a row are just annoying.

  90. i think you missed the Self-Deprecating Compliment Fisher:

    you know the type … they go out of their way to look good before taking a flattering picture then post it saying “ugh, i wish i was prettier” or “i need to lose weight”. of course, what follows is a slew of compliments and “OMG ARE YOU KIDDING ME? YOU’RE BEAUTIFUL!!”

    Why it’s Obnoxious: because everyone knows you really don’t believe you’re ugly or fat; because by comparison, you must think the rest of us are hideous.

    What’s Acceptable: photos are okay, who doesn’t like eye-candy, but knock off the self-deprecation. we all know you don’t believe it yourself.

    Possible Fixes: a candid photo showing your personality instead. without make up is a bonus. [and definitely no ducklips, unless you're crossing your eyes at the same time]

  91. robina said

    Okay, so according to the list, and all the comments, why would anyone even post on Facebook? Geez. If you don’t like the status’, let’s not read them.

  92. Justin said

    What about the food pictures postings? “So delicous, and so healthy!”
    Feel free to eat your dinner without taking a picture of it and posting it!

  93. Lmore said

    Grad student paper writing. When I am writing a paper, I do something not unlike “play-by-play” just to get myself through it, even though I know nobody gives a f*ck.

  94. steelgirl said

    How about all the Mom’s that make FB profiles for their kids that can’t even read or write but somehow the kid manages to update his/her status at least once a day!

  95. Nancy said

    The only thing missed was the girls wHO FeEl tHaT CApitALizINg EveRy FeW LeTTerS AdDS DepTH tO thEIr LouSY CoNTeNt. Wow- that was actually really difficult.

  96. JML said

    You forgot the person that posts EVERY THING that is going on in their lives. We don’t care to know all the details of you filing bankruptcy, nor do we care if your daughters boy friend have testicular cancer, or if your husband’s brother not like your family. We don’t need all the details

  97. Everyone should read this…

  98. myselfb2 said

    well, that takes care of just about any / all posts on FB. Why bother. I’ll take my FB “friends” and all of their clutter too. I can simply choose what to read, and chuckle at the inane comments they leave, for the 12th time. :) <— to let you know this is said with a smile, and not anger since you can't hear the meaning of a font.

  99. Cortney Brewerton said

    A job well done, sir.

  100. lauren said

    A perfect example of an unnecessary update by my ex- boss:
    In my 28 Years People say/ have said…
    I’m mean: no I’m not, just no tolerance for stupid stuff
    I’m conceited: my confidence is often misunderstood
    Why do people hate on you: bcuz the devil doesn’t attack the weak
    I’m smart mouth: so what, everything about me is smart
    I talk too much: damn right, I have something to say
    I talk shit: don’t we all, stop taking what I say so literal
    I’m not a real friend: please! my real friends no who they are, if your not its on purpose
    I’m jealous: of what? I love every follicle of me & my life
    They didn’t like me in High School: so what I didn’t like you either
    I’m fake: NOT. I’m smiling to keep from whoopin yo a**
    You think u can beat up everyone: No, but u definitely gone no u was fighting me. Lol
    Why are all your friends cute: how the hell am I supposed to no
    I’m a gold-digger: what I bring to the table is priceless, and if so, stop asking me for tickets to games and sh*t.
    Why u not on twitter: people follow me & I don’t tweet sh*t
    You’re not really from the hood: why? Bcuz I carry myself with class…
    In my 28 years of life there has never been any gray area where im concerned, no in between, either you love me or you dont… So for everyone who has been trying to figure me out. STOP! Carry-on…

  101. niquek said

    what about the PROFOUND SAYING and talking to the weather or your flu!! ” Dear Sunshine, I miss you!!” or “OK flu it’s just you and me buddy and I am going to win this round!!”

  102. Emily said

    I LOVE THE ONEZ IN ALL CAPS THAT DO NOT USE PROPER GRAMMER AND HAVE RUN ON SENTENCES AND CAN’T SPELL CUZ DA LORD IS BLESSIN DEM.

  103. The only important category missed are the ‘smarter-than-you’ obnoxious, facebook trolls that post articles like this.

  104. Nope said

    A VERY good list! Though you may want to add the, “All I post about is how you should be saving animals, and, oh here, look at this other video of these animals that have been abused… and here’s another one! If you’re not watching these and you don’t volunteer to help animals you are a worthless human being” type.

    Don’t get me wrong, I absolutely adore animals and have had them all my life, but I’m tired of jumping on FB only to be instantly sad from all the abused animal stories trying to tug at my heart strings. I have a few friends that do this and it’s getting very old, very fast.

  105. Pretty Funny

  106. Possible Fix: Delete yourself off FB if you don´t like what others write…FB is a social site, nothing less…

  107. Kristy King said

    Well, I thoroughly enjoyed this. I can honestly say I was able to think of at least one person in my contacts for each of these. Props.

  108. Noname said

    I can’t believe the “vague and ambiguous comment, possibly directed at you” thing wasn’t mentioned! That’s the worst!

  109. karen said

    AWESOME! I love all the category names. The Riddler? Pure genius. I hate those bastards by the way. Think they’re suffering from a personality disorder (can’t diagnose, I’m not a parent). Sorry the world does not revolve around you, if you put something cryptic, I’m gonna jump to the worst conclusion and put it out there for your momma, poppa, coworkers and anyone else who cares. “Dilemma!” “Still haven’t told your Baby Daddy the paternity test results?”

  110. GG said

    I would also add the vacation over-sharer — someone who normally does not post updates on the banal details of his or her life, but believes them to be suddenly relevant because they are posted from another country (i.e. “Paris is beautiful but sooo jetlagged!” or “Off to another delicious dinner in Italy”).

  111. Adam said

    I get so annoyed when people like their own fucking statuses, obviously you like it because you wrote it!

  112. Tonya Mills said

    How about the pics of the sorority girls with the “hands on the hips”??

  113. erin said

    How are these guys any worse than someone who dedicated hours to writing a blog complaining about them?

    Who cares what people put as their status? Possible fix- delete them or hide them.

    And aren’t they your friends? Just let your friends be who they are.

  114. Hillary said

    Do you have a category for 1.) People who praise Jesus and quote scripture through their status? I know that shouldn’t be annoying, but it is. 2.) People who use their status for couch-protests, i.e., “repost this if you know of someone who died of breast cancer, yada, yada”?

  115. Lee said

    so in other words just dont have a facebook???? i mean according to this nothing is appropriate to post????

  116. Mctree said

    Please add something about the Facebook poller…one here and there is fine, but polling your friends daily on things like “who all is going shopping for the holidays?” or “what should I have for dinner, pizza or chicken?” or “fur, agree or disagree?”

    We mustn’t also forget the daily political updates forcing their views down our throats…

    And last, but not least, the 12 music video posts in 1 day.

    Please address these!

  117. jax said

    Exceptional read! You made me laugh so hard I peed myself. Where do I send you the bill for new panties?

  118. Jman said

    Here’s one. The mass update: I’ve decided to delete all you people who never talk to me. If you don’t want me to delete you, comment/pm/send a carrier pigeon to let me know you care.

    I’m sorry, do you really need that much attention in your life? We, your “friends” have lives too. Ever heard the saying, “the phone works both ways”? Here’s a thought: Keep the people you talk to, delete the ones you don’t (because apparently you don’t want to talk us, because you’ve had just as many chances to call or comment or post on our wall, but don’t) and don’t send out a mass post to garner attention. And if you do by chance break that rule, actually follow through with it so I’m not reading an identical post two weeks later.

  119. haha..seen this on someones page..true but so funny..you gotta read..

  120. [...] Then there are those who post all day, letting all the rest of us know their every move and exactly what’s on their mind. Here’s a clue, we don’t really care what you had as a snack… In fact, here’s a list of unacceptable things to post. [...]

  121. MsJosie said

    The ones that annoy me the most are the “gangsta/I don’t know what this is called” updates: “now I kno tht ugly bitch dnt like me,,,haha ill see her soon at my sis spot, ugly girls hate pretty girls… n my hair bomb hatin as bitxh”

    And the like.

  122. You forgot “angry coworker”…i.e. the one who you just heard getting yelled at by your boss and decides to really go for that Employee of the Year award by slapping the bitching and moaning all over Facebook for you (and the rest of your coworkers) to see and awkwardly ignore, because the reality is, they’re a terrible employee.

  123. Ruthanne said

    You forgot the ones that start out..”Dear (fill in the bank) stop ruining my life. Thanks.” AHHHH so annoying! Go tell them, don’t post it on fb! Or even worse, when it’s not even an actual person…”Dear doughnut, stop staring at me”

  124. claudiacsn said

    Ha! Where the hell is the share button on this??

    • Noname said

      I’m pretty sure you can copy paste the link at the top of the address bar and share it that way

    • I wish I could figure that out! If I didn’t have the technological savvy of a 90 year old, then I would put that baby front and center on the blog. Buuut, If you want to be my personal manager/PR person then you are hired. I can use all the help I can get keeping myself in line.

  125. Alyssa said

    The countdown status. “Example 3 more days” ugh so annoying! If you’re counting down to something tell me what or don’t post it! If your answer to my annoyance is “the people who are aware of the countdown will get it”. Then don’t post it on FB because they should know how many days, months, hours etc until the mystery event! Also this isn’t regarding Status’ but another annoying FB epidemic. “The commentor” I have about three people who comment on EVERYTHING I post. It is so annoying!

  126. The whole truth and nothing but said

    What about the “fake booker” …”My wonderful husband cleaned the whole house and cooked dinner” Maybe because he got fired from his job that day…or “My Husband is the best guy ever…look at the flowers he sent me at work today.” Yup…he sure did send you flowers….the day after he threw a fit and punched a hole in the wall. Geez people…I am all about putting a positive spin on things…but come on…I know that you don’t want to be a “debbie downer” but the sunshine and roses thing is a bit overboard. If you can’t be truthful with your “friends” then maybe you shouldn’t post it, or maybe they aren’t really your “friends”

  127. Dave said

    Can I add posting images of words?

    Is the comic sans serif really that important? Do you really need the font to be bold and pink? Is the picture of clouds or the angel or the kitten in the background really key to the message?

    Please, just type the words in your status.

  128. glena@gmail.com said

    forgot the preggo statuses

  129. Ds said

    You forgot people that post links exclusively to music videos multiple times a day. I have a wanksta on my list that is awesomely bad about it

  130. Andrea said

    I did not see the “Copy this and post it in your status if you are a decent human being.” Ugh. I hate those.

  131. FB Update Addict said

    I think it’s the status you can relate to that makes it likeable. So if you have kids the same age, you probably like hearing about the other moms update about their kids going potty or not getting sleep at night. If you work out, you probably like hearing about how much weight your pal lifted at the gym. If your bf/husband/gf/wife is cheating on you, you probably want to hear about how crazy pissed off your friend is at his/her ex, or some rant about how much the opposite sex sucks. Whereas, if you’re in love and getting hitched, you probably just want to browse through friends’ wedding pictures. If you need some “therapy”, you might enjoy similar updates that remind you that shitty times are part of all human life and you’re not alone. (Isn’t that why a lot of people watch reality shows and even… the news?). People with pets adore the pet posters, politic-junkies love CNN news posts, religious fanatics thrive on bible-talk, and meditating-hippies groove to the zen quotes. People who get annoyed with the dumb status updates they read on facebook enjoy reading posts that make fun of the dumb status updates they read on facebook.

  132. gnuboss said

    Absolutely spot on.

    Many of these updates in isolation would be ok, but it’s when it’s all that makes up a users stream that it becomes a problem.

  133. Eliza said

    You forgot another 2 that totally bug me.

    1) Like this/rate me out of 10 and I’ll do the same (only it’s written in some kind of teen shorthand)
    2) The crappiest YouTube music/videos, that all their friends seem to like & you don’t, making you feel guilty for NOT liking the crappy song!

  134. whybealone said

    Nice article. It is very interesting to read….

  135. Limonada said

    The duckface!!!

    Not exactly a status but so vs were commenting on annoying facebook frequencies, lets put that one in there too

  136. Kel said

    One thing I hate is when people post things like “UGH! No one cares what you ate, if people are going to take pictures of everything they’ve eaten I am taking them off my friends list” or “habitual whiners will slowly be weeded out of my friends list” while I can understand where these people are coming from, why announce it, if you feel this necessary then just do it! Just something I see as I scroll through my news feed that bugs me

  137. Lauren said

    What about the people who check in EVERYWHERE?! Like check in at the gym everyday, check in at Target, check all their friends in. It’s creepy to know where you are all the time.

  138. April said

    Add the Grammar Fool. if you’re old enough to have a Facebook, you should know the difference between “your”, “you’re”, and “their”, “they’re”, “there”.

  139. Waseem said

    Even though the points you mentioned are great and true, I think you’ve missed 2 more which are:

    1) The person who writes in his status what was on the news without adding his/her feedback or some sort of comment on the issue. E.G “today there was a blast that killed 20 people in Syria”…Yeah mate, i think we all read that this morning.

    2) Someone who tries to act someone he/she is not. E.G someone who’s lived in the Middle East all his life but ONLY speaks English :S.

  140. MSook said

    The only one I can think of that may have been missed is the “Quote Queen”…… The person who is too passive aggressive to say what is really one their mind, and can find a quote to explain everything. I mean really people, if you were as intellectual as the people who came up with these quotes,you are posting, you probably wouldn’t be in the situation you are in

  141. MSook said

    Nix a few of those sneaky comma’s….. Sorry

  142. Emily said

    Great, but you forgot someone: the Evangelist. As in a million “let’s put the CHRIST back in CHRIST-mas. If you agree post this as your status for an hour”. Great, you have your beliefs you are standing up for, but your friends that agree are going to say “go you” while your friends that don’t are going to bang their heads against their desks because they have no other recourse. Cousin of the political Spammer.

  143. Don’t forget the “Late to the party “me too” reposter/retweeter”.

  144. Candace said

    What about the fucking chef? “Fried chicken, mashed potatoes, corn, green beans, and an apple pie for desert! Yummy!”

    I can’t fucking stand them.

  145. Oh My God, this was the funniest thing I’ve ever read. Well done!!! One addition: the Stepford Wife: The woman who feels the need to be perfect in every way- nothing can ever go wrong!- and make me feel bad for screwing up, drinking wine, or swearing… on an hourly basis.

  146. Lysdexic said

    Maybe those of you that don’t like it should disconnect from social networking and go old school… physical networking…

  147. Crux said

    Don’t forget amateur meteorologist, who feels the need to comment on every weather condition every day, even if you don’t live anywhere near them.

    Also, partisan political rant poster.

    Shirtless bathroom mirror cell phone pic guy is the worst, though.

  148. JenfortheWin said

    I’m cracking up at the people here who are taking this way too seriously.

  149. Michelle P said

    Ummm how about people that constantly talk about the weather?!?! Drives me up a freaking wall!!

  150. Ben Franklin (pre-death) said

    Honestly, if people deleted all the posts described both in this article AND the comment posters, the only thing left on facebook would be “Dancing with the Stars” updates and what they bought that week at the mall. Since this is, essentially, garbage, anyway, why not just delete Facebook and go do something with yourself?

  151. This is classic! A must read for everyone

  152. Gramma said

    How about the hijacker who posts 25 clips from You Tube of all their favorite songs/singers? I had to unfriend someone who posted at least 30 clips of her favorite singing group, one after the other! Another time, it was bazillion clips from movies or TV shows. I DON’T CARE! Get a LIFE!

  153. Brian said

    Wut bout da ppl dat can’t fors themselvz 2 uz ne kind of reel speling gram-r or evn vwls n sum cases.

    This isn’t C++, its English dumbass! I actually find it harder to type wrong than it is to type correctly, and way more annoying to read!

    • A Guy Who Knows C++ said

      whatYouWrote != C++

      “I actually find it harder to type WRONG thank it is…” != English

      “I actually find it harder to type INCORRECTLY” == English

      Now don’t you feel a little dumb?

  154. m said

    You can add spouses of deployed miltary memebers to the list. Everyone knows your husband is deployed, we know you miss him but is it neccessary to remind us 15 times a day? Or to update that you just skyped him? Or when you send a package? If I ever to that, someone please take the computer away!

  155. WTF is FB for then?! If everybody only wrote what others liked, then we wouldn’t have FB. It is a free speech forum where ANYBODY can post ANYTHING they want.
    You can make some people happy all the time, you can make all the people happy some of the time, but you’ll never make all the people happy all the time.

  156. HA! This is freaking awesome, although I would have liked to have seen a little attention given to the “New Couple” category. After all, there is nothing I like better than reading all about how cute someone is when they wake up, how sweet they are, how funny their laugh is, etc, and most importantly, I like to hear about how every single thing that they say or do is “so amazing!”
    Great post!

  157. Tasha said

    This was absolutely the funniest thing I’ve read in a long time!!

  158. farmvegas said

    Oh I couldn’t agree more, blogged about it back in 2009 and ain’t a dayum thing changed. And let’s be real, I’ve made a few of the same mistakes as well, especially when it comes to watching an awards show and ragging on all of the idiot apparel of overpaid famous people. Status after status after status. Make me stop!

    In case you’d like to take a gander: http://meganmcdaniel.blogspot.com/2009/09/youre-annoying-human-in-my-eyes-at.html

  159. Jeff said

    This post was self-righteousness sprinkled with a few funny points. Oh well.

  160. memomuse said

    Nobody is really forcing you to read every status update. yes, some are annoying, but the ones that are annoying – well, there is a defriend button. People check their facebook multiple times daily — others post multiple times daily. Just deal with it.

    Also noted — the examples are pretty f&*^ing funny.

  161. Leslie said

    You missed the “random photos” posts! Seriously, just because your camera was sitting on the front seat as you are driving to work does NOT mean you have to point it somewhere, anywhere, take the picture, and upload it onto your page. I don’t care.
    Go on a hike? Sure, take a pic! Impossibly cute kitty? Absolutely!

  162. Lane said

    All of this can be summed up in the term my friends and I came up with…FFC (fishing for comments)

    Another one that bothers me is the….”Stay out of my business!” or “why does everyone love drama?”….while posting this all in a public forum….while stirring up more drama

  163. Great!! You did forget “The Advertiser” –
    A person who includes their website in every post –
    Mine is http://www.politagram.com – LOL – WTF – OMG!
    Oh, I guess that one was the acronym’er. That’s me 2!!
    And don’t forget numbers instead words guy.
    Love this one!!

  164. Janet said

    Dear God. Can we do something about people being “congratulated” when they are in a new relationship? Barf.

  165. ottis said

    Love this, but what about annoying couples that live together and feel the need to write to each other on facebook everyday with cheesy comments. Can’t you just wait til you see them at the dinner table?? So obnoxious

  166. McG said

    Even more annoying are facebook statuses about how other facebook statuses are annoying.

  167. Scott said

    THANK YOU! You have truly done a service, not only to the nation, but to the world! I NEVER comment on things of this nature because there are so many ignorant people in the world that feel their thoughts are eveyone else’s problem so they flood these message pages, causing me to just stay away from them, but I could not leave this page with out thanking you. So again…THANK YOU!!

  168. Lenzai said

    I also hate people who make these kind of list. You’re equally as bad.

  169. Jay said

    I LOLed many a time reading this. Literally LOL-ed. I LOL-ed so much I want to be facebook friends with the writer of this post.

  170. [...] here for a good [...]

  171. Asia said

    With all these complaints about everything that gets posted, I have to ask what the hell you people post then.

    What are you putting as your status and how is it any different than the rest of this stuff.

  172. Reggie said

    I can’t stand the Attention Whore, you’ve all got at least one on your page. You added her because she was hot, but her posts make you want to strangle a bitch. Always posting new pics of herself bent over, or making the duckface, or squeezing her boobs together. Immediately followed by hundreds of likes and comments from creepers and pervs. She’s usually dating some guy who treats her like dirt and won’t commit to her, so she posts things like, “it’s cold outside, I wish I had someone to snuggle with me and keep me warm”, which inevitably results in a slew of posts from at least half of the douchebag guys on her page offering to help resolve her unfortunate situation. Then non-committal boyfriend gets all pissed, which leads to them both airing out their relationship’s dirty laundry, and more posts from the lonely, desperate guys who talk themselves up and insist that she deserves better. This cycle repeats itself almost daily.

  173. kodakgirl said

    Facebook is my “escape” from everyday stress. I absolutely DO NOT like work-related updates. However, I enjoy most updates that doesn’t have profanity.

  174. Lori said

    The only other status I can think of are the facebook “novels” that are so LOOONNNGGGG that you just have to keep hitting the “see more” button to see what is so important that it can’t be summed up in just a few sentences.

  175. Brigid said

    I agree this was brilliant! However you missed the insanely religious…excessively “BLESSED” status updates…I never knew I was friends with the disciples until I joined facebook….They are all “SO BLESSED” I am in no way agnostic. And to each their own on following your faith…BUT PLEASE refrain from reminding me 70 million times a day because you found a parking spot. WOW….I recently received a comment regarding the Victoria’s Secret Fashion show….”Don’t worry about what you look like and compare yourself to those celebrities, God Loves you for who you are!” I just wonder to myself, If you can’t realistically recognize that Victoria’s Secret models are gorgeous, what are you smoking? And how on earth did this this person make it to my friends list?

  176. Kerri said

    Too funny, some I’m guilty of, some I can think of exact people for

  177. Kristen said

    this is amazing.

  178. Karl Hungus said

    You forgot the people who post “3 more days” or “six more weeks” without saying what they’re waiting for. Who else hates that?

  179. This was way to true and all fb users should read this and get a clue.

  180. Hilarious!!! …& so very true!!

  181. Charlie said

    Easy response to those that dont like it “Get the Hell off facebook or better Yet Kiss my Rock GHard Lilly White Ass” problem solved

  182. [...] Please, keep us updated on anything funny that happens while you are working out. If someone gets trapped under 400 pounds, we need to know. Characters We Hate: The Facebook Status « hilarious and handsome sports guys [...]

  183. magicwoman said

    dude, just do something better with your time than hate on facebook updates. you don’t even know it but you’re just as sad as the people you criticize.

  184. Angel said

    Personally I hate those inspirational messages. I can’t get enough of how everyone thinks that they should give me advice or in all of your 23 years of life you’ve gathered enough experience to bring sunshine into my world IE “Mothers take a moment to breathe we don’t take enough time for ourselves.” this offends me because I’m a father and in general parents don’t take enough time for themselves not just mothers and second of all we knew this. If you gave as much care to your marriage as you do Facebook you would not be single right now in your husband would not be remarrying to a hottie I might add.

  185. Jenzo said

    Id like to add. The people who ONLY get on to post quotes from dead people. Or the bible thumpers who post bible verses non stop and have nothing real life to ever contribute.

    • Pear said

      The Bible is “real life”, as you say, to so many people, just like Islam, Hinduism, Buddhism, any religion. Religion is life. Religion is many people’s reason for living. This is a way of life and not just some “thing” they do. If you find it that annoying, why don’t you just block their updates instead of insulting millions of people around the globe?

  186. Bri O said

    Hilarious guys. I deal with this on the daily. But the “riddler”… What??? Try vague-book. “he just doesn’t know how it feels when he does that to me… Wish he knew…” or the negative nancy who has nothing good to say about anything. Otherwise, so awesome.

  187. Woodsy said

    Let’s not forget the new breed of facebook fisher-people, the “Can anyone suggest” crowd. Asking for suggestions on something that would take half the time to find on google.

    “Can anyone suggest the nearest vajazzler store to Blah Blah?”. Google maps.
    “Can anyone suggest where I can find a fairy floss maker?”. Google.
    “Can anyone suggest the best way to keep occupied on a 14 hour flight?”. Google.

    Obvious shit but they want that bit of facey attention. And, no, I don’t work for google.

  188. Rick said

    I love all the people posting who seem to be offended by the blogger (“You forgot the self-righteous blogger who thinks he knows what everyone else should be doing.” “Fixes: delete the person” etc). A) He is not posting this on Facebook. He posted it on a blog site. You know, a site DESIGNED for this; and B) just because you can do something about annoying posts doesn’t mean they’re not annoying. I guess he DID leave one out…people who don’t know the difference between posting a blog on a blog site and posting annoying cr*p on Facebook.

    Also… get a life and/or a sense of humor.

  189. Amanda H said

    This made my day. And I thought I was the only one who quietly bitched to myself every time I signed on, only to view a ridiculous newsfeed of “waste of my time” status’. Well done.

  190. I did laugh and found myself and my fb friends all guilty of many of these. However, I honestly love reading what other supermoms and their kids do. I use facebook for keeping in touch and a way to virtually hang out with my friends. I love looking at my friends photos. I enjoy the funny “dear donut” things my family writes as well as the positive events. I love the funny and sarcastic statuses. I enjoy funny shared photos. I don’t mind the occasional video or two but not everyday.

    I don’t really like the “check-ins” mainly for security reasons, but I would like to see and read about how my fb friends are having fun while out somewhere. I don’t like the song lyrics that sound suicidal since I may wonder if it’s a cry for help or just on your ipod right now. I also hate the riddler. If you want to vent it out – go for it! But… I don’t like to see the comments of the constant every status complainer. I have actually unsubscribed to several of those people…. don’t bring me down people! Once is a while it’s cool, we all do it.

  191. Amby said

    Can we please be facebook friends?

  192. Maxine said

    One of my facebook pet peeves is seeing my newsfeed littered with mobile uploads of peoples’ car thermometer readings on summer days. We get it – it’s hot out.

  193. Melanie said

    stop posting 800 videos of wahwah slit my wrist songs. Nobody cares youre supposedly over your ex, but in reality youre not and its seriously clogging up my newsfeed. Its ok to put one or two if youre in the mood but lets not bombard us with depressing music. Also im tired of seeing all this politic crap, like really if the worlds going to end then i guess it will, stop posting videos about groups like “anonymous” telling us were going to die and succumb to the government. We would not have facebook or the internet anymore if this was true. We would be writing on typewriters and listening to radios like back in the 50s. Sheesh!

  194. Jess said

    Holy shit. I seriously have like six girlfriends who post weekly (sometimes daily) about how they miss their “boo.” So fucking annoying. And any guy who posts about the gym gets deleted from my friends immediately. I basically loved all the analogies, but the only one I didn’t get was the riddler. Maybe I don’t have enough facebook friends, but I’ve never seen those type of posts. Maybe I missed something? Either way, my friend linked me to this page, and this is officially my new favorite blog, overtaking my oldie http://www.daveglenn.com. You should seriously write a book on all the things in this world you find annoying. You seem to write well when something irritates you ;)
    Cheers,
    J

  195. wendy said

    I truly enjoyed your list, but I am afraid you missed my personal pet peeve. Please, people do not post pictures of yourself in the bathroom, if you do not look at the pic beforehand. I saw a pic of a girl USING the toilet (a friend’s status/tag) and actually saw a girl ‘glamming’ to the bathroom mirror, but there was a pile in the bowl behind her! Now, ladies, lets be ladies, shall we? I admit, I did once post a mirror pic of a bruise on my leg……

  196. crzystll2day said

    Well, if you hate those people, why are they on your friends list…if they aren’t, then you don’t have to read it…but if they are, then aren’t you being phony by having them as a “friend”….everybody, no exceptions, writes or puts something stupid on fb…everybody…so stop the whining!!!!!!

    • Elizabeth said

      It’s not so much that we hate them… it’s just that they are friends that don’t understand how to use the internet and this is a funny way to let them know how we feel.

      • SisterGypsy said

        I’ve never seen rules on how to use the internet… The great thing about the internet is that as long it’s not child porn, it’s okay!

  197. Thesandor said

    All correct. This should be mandatory reading for all new and existing Facebook accounts. It tempered me and I barely use it. Excellent stuff, now keep your shit in people!

  198. Barbie said

    I hate hate hate the, let’s cure cancer or various diseases by posting this in our status. Or better yet keeping it there for an hour.

  199. I hate annoying posts like this because without all those CHARACTERS you wouldn’t have much of a social network would you? Learn how to use filters.. its not that hard.

  200. Classic!!

  201. alicat said

    What I find interesting is how many people wrote “What you are missing is… ” and then repeated the same message as the person above you or two messages back.. Like the sound of your own voice much? Let’s read a little more, and speak/write a little less. (And I know that writing this may result me falling into the “quoter/idealist/whatever you like to call it category” and no doubt I will be judged on my spelling/grammar as well..

  202. Chris said

    To be honest, you a loser for writing a blog about this. It means you must have done these things before. Those things you mentioned are all part of social networking. They are interesting to some degree if it is someone you know. You must have a ton of random friends not to like any of their status’.

  203. Heather said

    this. is. hilarious. If I have to hear another parents post about how excited they are little susie went number 2 on the big potty I am going to scream!

    Some commentors are taking this way too seriously, it’s funny, take it for what it is and don’t get offended! It’s not a personal attack.

    I agree with the people who only post quotes all the time and nothing else, that’s annoying. Not saying you can’t post a quote, but not every update 5 times a day!

  204. nets said

    That is what makes facebook and how it is used and created for. It is a free interweb to share thoughts, vids, pics, or whatever, so who cares if those people use it that way cause that’s it for. So if u dont like dont use facebook there are other social networking sites

  205. lisa johnson said

    Weather posts!! Must add weather posts. “It’s soooo cold!” “It’s soooo hot!” “Raining again.” “Yuck, snow.” “Yay, snow.” Ugh, we can watch the news for weather. Or…step outside!

  206. Facebooker3314 said

    You forgot the culinary chefs – “Just made two dozen of the most amazing chocolate chip cookies ever! The work potluck is going to love me!” or “Just made rack of lamb with mint jelly (homemade!) and baby potatoes sprinkled with rosmary and garlic! Mmmmmmmmm!!”

  207. Yup! Thats facebook. Now what would facebook be without all of these little scenerios?

  208. Mike said

    i think things would be completely different if there were no “mini feed” and statuses were only viewable if you went to a person’s page. when you go to someone’s page specifically, you are “in their world” while there they are “the center” so they more or less entitled to post what they want. and if you don’t like what you hear, venture to more acceptable peoples’ pages. the mini feed is really what ruined it, because simply put, there is no black and white for what’s right and wrong to put up on statuses. everyone has their own outlook on right and wrong. ex: alot of people say they hate it when people post song links, but as an indie music enthusiast i see it as an opportunity to learn about a new band.

  209. Great Post! I’d like to add:

    People who post about their pets all the time e.g. Fluffy is sleeping by the fire. SO CUTE!!! (usually with accompanying photograph).
    People who say things like “I love good news” but can’t tell you what it is.
    People whose friends are always hacking their accounts and putting ‘funny’ statuses up on their behalf (usually about various sexual positions, homosexuality or toiletry ablutions).
    People who constantly post about how they refuse to pay for Facebook when Facebook has never even said that’s going to happen.

    I have to admit that the spam posts that insist you ‘repost for x amount of hours’ really annoys me. Haven’t people realised that your status doesn’t stay at the top of your page or change when you write a new one anymore, it just scrolls down and stays on your timeline like a blog?

  210. marglar said

    It’s easy to pick apart what people are posting, but really… what about Facebook is really worthy of any of our time? It’s a fun way to pass the time and observe other’s self expression. I’ve learned a lot about the wide variety of people on my friends list based on the type of posts they make. And, after several years of being on FB I have yet to see anything terribly important on here.

    Pure and simple it’s a new kind of conversation amongst widely diverse people and I find the whole thing incredibly interesting – even when it’s mundane and stupid. Why try to boil it down to some homogenized, generic lump?

  211. darla said

    A revision is needed! You need to add the people that constantly post videos on their pages! There are a few people that I know that flood the news feed with videos whenever they are on (which appears to be all the time). I can’t help but think “how do you pay for your internet if you’re constantly on the computer watching videos?”

  212. Elizabeth said

    You forgot …

    “The Salesman”

    Obnoxious Update: “check out this new start-up I’m joining. It’s not a pyramid scheme, but I need people to sign onto this get-rich-quick scheme because I’ve done all the research and I’m such a trustworthy friend that you won’t need to research the company for yourself.”

    “This new company sells organic water that is 500 times purer than every other company out there, it’s also 5 times more expensive and comes in plastic bottles that will contaminate it before it reaches you.”

    “I know it gets a bad rap but (Amway, Mary Kay, Tupperware… insert company name here) really is a great company to be a part of, let me have a party at your house so I can tell you about it”

    Why It’s Obnoxious: In short, 1) you talk down to everyone of your friends by informing them repeatedly that the stuff they are currently spending their hard earned money on is for losers. 2) You assume that everyone is able to afford the products you are selling simply because they are better quality 3) you’re full of yourself and probably don’t realize that people have started skimming over your updates every time they see your name. Maybe you didn’t understand that companies have separate facebook pages that people can “like” if they want to follow the company. Your personal page is for letting your friends know interesting things that are going on in your life. Stop telling us about your financial future and let us know about your children’s upcoming weddings and major events. Otherwise you’re going to find your friend list shrinking as your company updates become more common.

    What’s Acceptable: create a business page and let people know that it’s there for them to like if they want… include a link to your page in your “info” section, and stop telling us what crappy decision makers we all are for not joining your company.

    Possible Fixes: “I just started selling stuff check out my page -here-”

    That’s it… don’t post anything else after that.

  213. racytraines said

    i can’t stand the poll that says, “i’m cleaning up my friend list, do you still want to be on it” or something like that. seriously? stupid.

  214. BAM said

    I am gonna add “The Busy Bee.” That person who is constantly complaining about not enough time in the day to get all their work done, but somehow finds enough time to update their FB status 47 times before lunch.

  215. What I dislike are constant reminders from numerous people in a group that I belong to that they will use the word, “Christmas” even if it offends someone. I really don’t care, but do they have to keep reminding me? That usually goes on to the “pro-God and guns” remarks, followed by “keep God in the Pledge.” I am so tired of seeing reposts of those things! All of them, of course, are ended by a sentence that goes something like, “If you agree copy and paste this on your profile.”

    Ack.

  216. Oh Goodness sooo true! (Even if I may be a little guilty of some of them myself)

  217. fran said

    The ‘Re-post this if..” people. Re-posting a depressing message about cancer, diabetes, ms or freakin’ gonorrhea does not mean that I don’t care about their victims. There is just no point! Other than to darken peoples moods. If you’ve got news or are fundraising then great! But a repost is not a cure.

    Also, the “I know who will like/comment on this status” statuses, aka “please acknowledge my self-pitiful existance” statuses? .. F#*k off!

  218. Lurch said

    I cant stand the guy that comments on their own status updates, especially when nobody else commenting. They feel they need to add to their own ignorance by following up on their own status. Lame.

  219. This is hysterical! Just mad I didn’t write it myself! definitely worth the time!!! Especially the kid part, so true!!

  220. RR said

    How about the one who sits and posts about their medical conditions…. like anyone wants to sit and read about someone’s oozing sores and wounds over and over and over?
    or the Facebook stalker that LIKES everything that you post…. even if you dont particularly LIKE it yourself after you posted it?

    I went to the bathroom
    LIKE

    I just kicked my dog
    LIKE

    My mother is in the hospital
    LIKE

    I just killed your cat.
    LIKE

    Do you ever have the feeling you are being cyberstalked?
    LIKE

    • W. said

      Hahaha, hilarious! I was just thinking the same thing. People LIKE comments that are not even made to be liked!! Why would you like someone’s mother being in the hospital? That example is so fitting. “Facebook stalker” is the right word. You don’t even know if they genuinely like your post or if they just sit there and click the “like” choice for the heck of it. I say pay attention to the post before you LIKE it.

  221. The chain letter victims. “Post this as your status if you know someone who……” “Money AnGeL…..” etc. I stopped opening those stupid emails for a reason and now you insist to post on FB?

  222. SisterGypsy said

    I hate articles like these- there are no “rules” to Facebook. If you don’t like what someone posts, then remove them from your newsfeed and/or friends. That simple. Belittling people because they post what ever they want on Facebook is sad.

  223. tracie said

    How about we just accept people (and their posts) for what they are and let them post what makes them happy? Yes, yes, yes, I know you are supposedly writing only in jest, but it’s kind of hurtful jest … even though I don’t ever post any of those types of statuses. ;)

  224. 1happyhipo said

    You forgot the Facebook police. You know, the ones that troll around deciding what is & isn’t acceptable to post & then categorizing those people. This was mildly entertaining. Even more entertaining to me is how millions of people constantly hate on Facebook as if using it is the biggest most annoying chore in their life yet have enough time to log on every day & scrutinize peoples post. It’s all love though, I’m just saying……

  225. W. said

    How about the ones who actually LIKE their own statuses? The fact that you posted it means you like it. That is so dumb, and should be made illegal!!

  226. After reading the blog AND all of the comments, I’m not sure we should say anything at all on Facebook. Come on. None of us are perfect. We all post dumb, obvious, boring, or offensive things from time-to-time because we’re all individuals, but it is a social network, after all, i.e., just like in ‘real’, physically social interaction (at a bar, the store, the church), we all have to avoid, ignore, or put up with someone or something that doesn’t suit our fancy or interest us. I totally agree with the categories of annoyances set up on this blog (for the most part)… but I think some of the comments are ridiculously nitpicky.

  227. It gets me crazy when I see a comment such as:

    I just got home, and mom made me a delicious dinner of lasagna,with a great bottle of Pinot, and then I had a delicious cheese cake for dessert. In plain english “Who Cares”. Get a life. Give us a break, we don’t care about what the hell you had for dinner. That drives me nuts.

  228. Adrian said

    Awesome list. AHHH u killed my site idea!!

  229. Heidi Stutznegger said

    I also am noticing, and being irritated by, the addressed messages to random people/companies in order to vent. eg. “Dear Sprint, I really wish you would have some acceptable customer service instead of having us wait on hold for 3 hours!” You don’t have the guts to confront that person/company, just complain bunch of people who don’t care and deal with the exact same thing every day!

  230. Jake said

    I have a couple friends who do a lot of these things and I CANNOT STAND IT! I have a friend who constantly posts, “OMG, I have the best boyfriend in the world, he’s so amazing!”, then will post something about her day afterwards. Another friends says, “I have the best life, friends, family, and everything else that I can possibly think to type out in this post without exceeding the maximum letters and everything is just so wonderful! I love everything! <3" Seriously, every single day this person posts almost this exact same thing. Another friend of mine posts about Cheerwine CONSTANTLY. The only thing on his status is "Cheerwine is so awesome! I discovered that Cheerwine IS sold in Utah after all! OMG!! Cheerwine just saw a blog post of mine and wants to feature me on their FB page!" Not only do I hate Cheerwine (and pretty much every other caffeinated drink), I hate reading about this kid's obsession with it! Finally, I have a friend who posts her entire schedule for the day, everything about her pets, and when she's going out to party and get drunk. "Just woke up, gonna eat breakfast then working from 5-10pm." "My pets are so awesome! My cat was sleeping on my head last night and my dog chased her tail for a whole 3 hours! LOL!" "Goin' to mah friend's place to get DRUNK! BEER BEER BEER!!!! YESSSS!" Sorry for my rant, but I can't post it on Facebook because people will get butt hurt and not realize how right I am.

    I am Jake, and I approve this article.

  231. Jelena said

    Ahem…you forgot cat people… or just people who are overly obsessed with their pets :)

  232. [...] 3. “Characters we Hate: Facebook Statuses” [...]

  233. Abi said

    What about those people who update their status every 10-15 mins all day long…. Your friends do not need to know that much about you. Don’t you have a life? Also, the people who absolutely can not spell or make sense while ranting and/or trying to act cool. They have just proven how stupid they are. Nobody wants to hear what stupid people have to say.

  234. charles said

    you forgot one -

    Captain Complainer:

    Obnoxious Update: please stop posting unimportant and uninteresting stuff on facebook. ugh! i’m too cool and busy to waste my time here!

    Why It’s Obnoxious: i get it… not everybody is shakesphere when it comes to a 160 character post. it doesn’t mean we have to demean them or tell them to correct it. we need the content and if everyone spent 30 minutes to come up with something thoughtful your blog wouldn’t exist. it’s like when emimen ridiculed boy bands so much they disappeared and emimen disappeared as well, only to reappear 5 years later with black hair and confessing his love to dr dre. anyways, the only reason you’re on facebook is to waste time, so waste it with some dignity and stop complaining.

    What’s Acceptable: nothing. no complaining allowed for something so trivial.

    Possible Fixes: don’t use facebook

  235. I keep reading this over and over and finding something new everytime. Kind of like a classic novel. Love it!!

  236. Rachel said

    What about the married couples who post status updates to each other. HELLO you are married and live together, I’m pretty sure you can praise each other in person instead of dragging the rest of the world into your nauseating “who loves who more” love fest.

  237. [...] Facebook Crime (Are you guilty?) [...]

  238. Too bad the people to whom this applies will not understand that this applies to them

  239. Christine said

    The show-offer, the quoter who quotes everything and the preacher.

  240. hgmma said

    Meh, I understand the annoyances that come with the types of posts you mentioned but then again… Facebook is a big heaping pile of skunk turd, placed on this planet to give people the sense that they are more important than they are and make them think that people actually care about them. So post away…. you’re self-esteem will thank you for it!

  241. webgeek said

    Hey, since we’re making fun of people here, how about this website? Snow falling? seriously? Are you trying to be cool or did you just copy it from another poorly designed website? Take a friggin web design class.

  242. Oboxious update:
    Obviously some people can’t filter what they read, so they read everything, then feel stupid bcuz they wasted THEIR time reading it. What they write is more meaningful and important, therefore all “drivell” writers should just standby and wait for something important to happen b4 they tell anyone else.
    Why it’s Obnoxious: Because they think THEIRS is the only commuique that matters. After all they have the most unknown “friends”.

  243. PoppaMike said

    Interesting thoughts in both the article and the replies. If everyone adhered to all the proper etiquette posted here I wouldn’t have to check my facebook page but maybe once every 6 months.

  244. Hilarious!

  245. anxhela said

    I hate VJ’s really bad!!! And the ones that are always sick with something and keep saying it to the whole world. OK, I can get worried 1st or 2nd time, but after that you suck!!!!!

  246. I was having a very distressful and tough week and this article made me laugh out loud, as well as reading some of the more lighthearted and observant comments. BTW…I shared this blog to my FB status. Priceless. I’ll probably have no friend left by the end of the night but so what! There are hundreds of millions more out there in FB land.

  247. The lyricist, who only posts lyrics to songs most often shitty songs.

    The Preacher, bless this, bless that, god loves you…blah blah blah…Keep it to yourself.

    The inside joker, “Left foot purple button ;)” <— WTF does that mean? People post stuff that 2 friends understand.

  248. Hey, how about the lame sports blog that spams it’s only slightly humorous website through the use of my friends with the sense of humor of a table lamp(and possibly the IQ as well)…. Just sayin’

  249. Missed one. The “over generalizer”:

    Obnoxious update: “As a general rule, if a facebook status ends in LOL or ;), then everything said in there is ridiculous.”

    Why its obnoxious: Generally, statements like this are made to make the writer feel like he or she is superior to al the little twits (or faces) out there that “just don’t get it”. Rather than look at the use of common communications tools in Facebook and Twitter in context, the writer decides since he or she doesn’t use that, it’s stupid. Meanwhile, smart people are using them correctly, to actually make their posts **better**.

    Possible fixes: “If you use LOL or ;) in a post, reread the thing three or four times to make sure it actually **applies**.”

    “Many of you use LOL, ;) or some other markup in almost all your posts or tweets, even when they aren’t funny or sardonic or whatever. You are doing it wrong.”

  250. kn said

    None of these are as bad as the people that use facebook like a cell phone, constantly making daily plans with their BFFs in 20 commen threads. I can understand the occasional “miss you” on someones wall, but seriously the daily “see you in five”what should we do tonight,?” Are fing old. We get it you have a lot of friends and a super fun life. Now quit spending all of it on facebook and Fing text someone

  251. Summer said

    One you missed- PDA people. Couples who apparently never see each other in person and don’t realize there’s a “message” button they could use instead anyway. I don’t want to read your love notes any more than I want to watch you make out.

  252. [...] Characters We Hate: The Facebook Status  Ok, I cannot vouch for this entire blog, this is the only post I’ve read. But it is hilarious. If you are on Facebook, you will recognize the Gym Rat, the New Parents, and all other other characters in this post. And admit it: you are probably guilty, too! [...]

  253. How about “The Quoter”. Cutting and pasting from a ‘famous quotes’ website everyday is not interesting or engaging.

  254. Douglas said

    I think the only thing more obnoxious than annoying status updates is this tedious regurgitation of the most annoying status updates. I have a suggestion for you: Stop reading updates from people who’s status you don’t like. To people who share a common interest or friendship with these annoying posters, their updates are not annoying. They’re sharing the game, explaining their life, pondering the universe. If you’re not interested in what they say or are not close enough friends with them to tolerate what you don’t find interesting, then why are you bothering to read what they say?

    There are a number of good points you raise about etiquette in the social spectrum on the internet, but so much of what’s being said in this blog article is irrelevant that the good points get drown in the minutia.

  255. John Morgan said

    Lol (and yes, I did laugh out loud) – I can think of a person or two who this might relate to . But it forgot a couple, like people who post pictures of what they are having for breakfast or lunch. Unless you’re frying up and eating a piece of your own brain like in that Hannibal Lector movie, news flash, no one cares.

    You could rename facebook to attentionwhores.com. That would likely be a more fitting title (but it’s probably already taken).

  256. ganar dinero…

    [...]Characters We Hate: The Facebook Status « hilarious and handsome sports guys[...]…

  257. Joseph said

    You forgot the religious nuts

  258. tc said

    I hate posts from people who are obviously not happy with their life. Constant “Oh woe is Me!” updates…. nothing is ever good enough… weather always sucks, co-workers are miserable to work with (why won’t they just grow up), don’t want to get out of bed today, it’s just one thing after another, you don’t like me the way I am? Then F you!! etc….. UGH!!

  259. Sam said

    The one I always get pissed about is when people argue over politics, whether or not aliens exist, or if the flying spaghetti monster could best God in a fight. Then when people post things about them they want other to respond so its like a trap! All of a sudden, everyone is using flowery words tying to portray a false intelligence to all of Facebook by winning a meaningless argument.

    Oh and spot on with the spam!
    :) text <3

  260. Matt said

    How about the university students constantly complaining about their papers and exams? I really don’t care if you have a 2 page sociology paper to write, and you procrastinated on it until the night before!

  261. Scott said

    How about the guy who only replies on personal attacks and posts by girls?

  262. Bowlese said

    I read through the comments, and it seems as though everyone missed the “Ultra-immune-deficient” FB-er. Does no one else constantly have friends who’s only updates are about how bad their back hurts, what cold/flu they have this week, or why their day sucked because they are soooo sick and/or feel bad? Then you have the one who gives the play-by-play of his/her current illness like: “Ugh, so sick today, still sick from yesterday, feel like crap. :(” *moments later*
    “Still feel like crap, gonna try to take a nap* moments later “Ugh can’t sleep, can’t breathe, gonna die!” *moments later* “Gonna take some medicine and see if that helps” “Ugh now my back hurts!” “Been in the bathroom allllll day, can’t seem to shake this bug!”
    -I have been forced to delete multiple “chronically ill” “friends”
    And the other one: the oh-so-excited ALL CAPS friend.,…no explanation needed.
    For the love of all that is good, stop it!

  263. Timothy Hughto said

    If you are complaining about others complaining, step back and look at yourself. Seems to me you are playing the same game and you are just as annoying. Find better things to do with your time people. Maybe something positive for a change!!!!

  264. onemore said

    one you definitely left off are people who use stupid abbreviations and/or simply dont’t know how to spell. for example:

    omg 2nite wuz da best, will remember it 4ever! too all my peeps, your the best!

    to* and you’re*. and… really?

  265. Antigone's Clamor said

    I’d tell you that I was LOLing while I read this, but that’s against the rules now, isn’t it. ;) Great post…I know that I’ve committed too many of these FB faux pas. :)

  266. JT said

    I don’t mind the occasional political or religious post, but when a person speaks of nothing else, then I wish they would just get a blog… it seems as though they could possibly make money with it on a blog, but as far as social networking… it’s a bit of a pain, I feel uncomfortable with their long-winded idiocy.

  267. Mary said

    The only one I can think that you forgot to mention is the individual who checks himself in everywhere he goes, via Foursquare. Danny is *in my bed*. Wait what? Danny, silly, you aren’t in my bed. You must be in in YOUR bed!

  268. Skeela said

    I can’t stand the people that are always down, depressed, and posting sad comments. Those people are quickly ignored by me. I won’t delete them but I definitely hide their comments from my wall. Just because you’re down and depressed doesn’t mean you have to try and bring everyone else down…..All you’re doing is asking for sympathy and attention…

    • For me it’s the ones who post the ambiguously depressed posts. I’m okay with someone being mad or sad on FB if they say WHY… but it’s the “Le sigh” posts that always make me roll my eyes and kill my sympathy.

  269. Kenz said

    I thought this article was hilarious! But boy, after reading through the comments, I think people are taking it way to serious. Great job on the article! Made me laugh out loud a few times. I can’t believe it was written a year ago. Totally still fits!

  270. jessie said

    How about the person who posts like 6 “links” in a row to songs or whatever! I wish fb had a way to hide music links like you can hide game updates! This article is hilarious!!! The only one I would kind of disagree with is the giggler and only because sometimes its hard to convey sarcasm and such and the statement needs a “lol” or a ;-). Only sometimes tho!!!

    • jessie said

      Oh I forgot, how about the “game players”? And I don’t mean the farmville stuff, because that’s easy to hide, but the ones that are like “guess a number and whoever guesses right I’ll tell a secret about blah blah blah”!! Or the bra colors game, no one cares what color your bra is!!!

  271. Smiley said

    You should do a picture one next! For those proud parents of new babies…yes, your kid is cute. But do we need to see a picture of them in EVERY outfit you put on them???

  272. Haeze said

    The one that has annoyed me lately:

    The Screen-Real-Estate Mogul:

    Those people who, rather than take a witty statement, or profound quote (or sometimes even just inane dribble), and simply post it, they go to MS Paint, type it in some obnoxious font, create an 800×600 picture of nothing but those words, and post it as a photo update, so as you are scrolling, you can’t help but see 1/3rd of your screen monopolized by this 6-word status update.

  273. Hates whiners said

    Hmmm… here’s an idea… Stop whining and get over it OR hide their feed OR delete them. There are so many other things more worthy of scorn.

  274. EVERYONE KNOWS YOU LOVE YOUR "LITTLE FAMILY" said

    I’d have to say that the new parents one is my favorite. My best friend has an 18 month old son and pregnant with her second and all of her posts drive me nuts! She always talks about how much she loves her “little family” or when her son is sick that it makes her so sad or how much pain she is in from her pregnancy. I understand that she loves her family and her son and that she really is in a lot of pain but its a constant everyday thing. Everyone knows that parents love their children and that she thinks the world of her husband. That’s why she married him! Pregnancy is also not easy but she doesn’t need to give us constant updates on every little pain that she feels or where her child is kicking or sitting or that she’s tired. I’m sure there are a lot of soon to be mothers that feel this way. I can’t delete her, she’s by best friend. I just wish that her updates weren’t so annoying!

  275. Charlie Sheppard said

    I’m gonna read it again. Halarious !

  276. Awesome!!

  277. jAMES said

    You forgot the FB complainers…you’re one of them.
    Life is what you make of it, if posting random idiotic and pointless status make you happy who are you to judge?

    People that will share this page, or memes that complain about what people post or how they act on fb.

  278. Sarah said

    You forgot “Inspirational Quote Guy”. Whose every status update is something arbitrary that some famous person said a long time ago. It’s okay every once in a while – if you really find something inspiring – but a barrage of quotes day after day after day makes the entire batch worthless.

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