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Posts Tagged ‘Blockparty’

Blind Date Disaster

Posted by hilariousandhandsomesportsguys on December 9, 2011

by: Blockparty
“Why am I here?”

We have all heard the sales pitch. “I have got the perfect person for you. You just have to meet them.” Suddenly, you begin to shift around uncomfortably as you scavenge your mind for a quick excuse. Of course, you end up standing there completely mute as your try to calm the sick feeling stirring up in the depths of your stomach. All you can get out is an unenthusiastic, “ok” before your friend, mom, grandmother, or random person that one of the first three knows, erupts into a detailed description of this mystery person. This is how the nightmare begins. Blind Dates.

 Apparently, Blind Dates are fun for someone because they still exist, but for the people that actually have to suffer through the catastrophic event, it’s like walking onto the American Idol audition set – if you had no clue what American Idol was and you were really just trying to find the bathroom before stumbling into that room. The judges are critical and possibly obnoxious. You couldn’t impress them even if you knew what they liked, and you really don’t want to be there in the first place.

People say I have a "great personality."

The number of things that are wrong with the Blind Date is mind-boggling. First, the whole set-up process has its own code language that you can never decipher until it’s too late. For instance, in real life if someone has a “great personality” that means they are a really nice person and enjoyable to hang out with – easy, right. Not in Blind Date land. “Great personality” could mean “trapped-in-house obese” or “has chewin’ tobacco teeth” or “looks like an Olympic power-lifter.”

"My friends think its hilarious when I do this. Do you think its funny too? Huh? Huh? Huh?"

You might be told that this person is “really funny.” Oh, great, that’s awesome because back in real-life, “really funny” is a top three quality. Ahhhhhh, unfortunately when it comes to Blind Dates, “really funny” usually means “still watches cartoons” or “quotes lines from movies constantly” or “laughs so loud people stare.”

Another favorite of match-makers everywhere is “so sweet.” Well this is perfect because isn’t “so sweet” exactly what everyone dreams of in a mate – romantic, caring, sensitive, attentive. Yep, on the other hand, we usually don’t want “so sweet” to mean “make a hair-doll of you stalker” or “stares at you silently while you eat” or “invites the parents to the blind date.”

 Sadly the list goes on and on. It’s impossible to make a translation guide because the language changes with every match-maker, but you can be certain of one thing – “involved in church” probably means something closer to “guy with megaphone street preaching” and a mere “good looking” never means more than “has all of his body parts.”

I know how you feel spinach. I have seen that look way too many times.

The second thing that makes Blind Dates simply indefensible is the inevitable disappointment. Someone is always going to be disappointed – either you will not like him or he will not like you. Sure, once in a while lightening strikes and two random people who have never even exchanged an email or text message may love each other’s company, but let’s get serious with each other here – movies are movies for a reason.

“She is SO into me.”

You see this guy confidently strut into the room and you immediately know he is a complete schmuck. The picture you saw of him was from 30 pounds ago and apparently there was some great lighting in the room. He talks about himself constantly and you nod robotically as you try to figure out if you can get home in time to watch Grey’s Anatomy. It’s not this guy’s fault that you aren’t attracted to him. You don’t want to hurt his feelings, and no matter how hard he tries, you would go so far as to pay for your own meal to get the heck out of there.

It’s even worse if it gets flipped around and you somehow like your date but they want nothing to do with you. There is nothing more devastating than recognizing the look of disappointment on someone’s face the moment they meet you. Once you have seen that look – the look of a child getting socks on Christmas – you will never want another Blind Date.
Mismatches are rare. What is your matchmaker telling you?

Third, the Blind Date makes you take a hard look in the mirror at yourself because someone wouldn’t have set you up with that person unless they thought you were equivalents. No hideous guy ever gets setup with a model. Fat guys aren’t getting paired up with lifeguards. Ditzy girls don’t go on Blind Dates with Rhodes Scholars. Blind Dates are the one time in life where whoever set you up will be forced to reveal what they really think about you. If your date was dumb as sandpaper and has the Ben & Jerry’s flavors memorized, what is your matchmaker telling you? Maybe your date looked a little like a turtle and showed up in sweatpants. What does that mean about you?

Looks like someone listened to my advice before they setup this happy couple.

Then, possibly the worst part about a Blind Date is the aftermath. There is no way to tell the matchmaker that you didn’t like your date without hurting their feelings. Your date is always going to be your friend’s cousin or your mom’s best friend’s daughter or your best friend’s best friend from high school or your sister’s roommate. How do you break the news to them that “your cousin is ugly” or “your best friend is obnoxious” or “your daughter smells like onions.” This is impossible news to break to someone. If you make the mistake of being honest with them, then get ready for the “what makes you so perfect” lecture. It should be OK to not be attracted to someone without having to feel guilty about it. Blind Dates make this impossible.

So here is how all this can be resolved. If you feel the need to set people up, then you need to be way sneakier about it. Take your duty as a matchmaker seriously and don’t get lazy. First, never let either person know that you are thinking about setting them up. As soon as one person knows, it’s ruined. Someone will get their feelings hurt. Second, you have to get both people around each other in a casual setting a few times before making your move. Both people need a chance to 1) see what each other looks like in real life and 2) see how each other act. Third, and this is the critical step, the matchmaker needs to make a preliminary finding that both people are compatible. If your two people don’t look like they enjoy each other or have that spark, then delete the match from your brain and never mention it to anyone. If you follow these steps, you may be able to successfully setup two people and avoid the Blind Date disaster.

Posted in Relationships | Tagged: , | 5 Comments »

Characters We Hate: Weight Room Edition Part II

Posted by hilariousandhandsomesportsguys on December 7, 2011

by: Blockparty

It’s truly remarkable how many obnoxious people there are that show up to weight rooms. One list simply couldn’t contain all the irritating people that confidently strut into our gyms every day. Honestly, I think someone is purposefully sending these people out into the world and we are all on a hidden camera show.

No, no, I'll wait for you to finish up. I just need to borrow the weight clips.

The Intimidator:

Few gyms actually have an Intimidator. Consider yourself lucky if you haven’t run into this character. The Intimidator isn’t just big; he looks like a waxed gorilla. Intimidators make your normal gym monsters look like your little niece when she throws on her princess dress for a tea party. All those dumbbells over 100 pounds that no one even touches, yeah, those are for him. These guys walk into the gym wearing a weight lifting belt, and proceed to monopolize so much of the free weights that everyone else is forced to talk to The Inventor just to figure out a way to exercise with no weights. Do they wear weight lifting gloves you ask? Hahahaha. Intimidators lift so much weight that they have to strap it to themselves with leather wrist wraps and coat the bar with, what I assume is either powdered sugar or pure cocaine. While the regular ripped guy at your gym apparently can’t wait to get home to drink his protein shake and carries his bag of protein powder with him, The Intimidator eats an entire rotisserie chicken during his lift and downs it with the gallon milk jug full of water that never leaves his sight. The worst part about The Intimidator is that he is so focused and intense that you’re scared to death to enter a 50 foot radius of him to get any weights. And every time you catch him looking at someone exercising, you can feel the shame and embarrassment radiating off of him that he has to lift in the same building as such weaklings.

Rule of Thumb: Intimidator, please, don’t take this the wrong way. While you may be a giant, steroid infused teddy bear, you scare the bejeezus out of all of us.

Let me help you with your form. You wouldn't want to pull a muscle. I am a licensed masseuse though if anything does go wrong.

Captain Morgan:

Captain Morgan. Every gym unfortunately has to put up with this guy.  Captain Morgan uses the weight room as his own, real-life match.com. Spot an even remotely attractive woman in the gym, and there he will be – one leg propped up on a bench, arms crossed over leg, junk hanging in the breeze, stupid smirk on his face. The girl could be drenched in sweat and sprinting on the treadmill, but Captain Morgan doesn’t get the hint. He will sling one leg up on the side of the treadmill, lean in and work his magic. God forbid a woman ever foolishly makes her way into the stretching area. She might as well have slathered herself in syrup and stumbled into an ant bed. Captain Morgan will make his move.

Rule of Thumb: As awesome as I’m sure you look in your head while propping that leg up and going to work all over the gym, you not. In fact, I’m pretty sure everyone in the gym despises you.

This is my weight room nightmare.

Inspector Gadget:

Some people will do seemingly anything to avoid actually lifting weights. Well, Inspector Gadget is the guy that actually believes you can get magazine-cover ripped in “only 15 minutes a day, 3xs a week!” Inspector Gadget takes extra naps during the day so he can watch infomercials at night. There he will be in the stretching area, day after day, laying on a giant, pink ball and letting the Ab Roller work its magic. Who needs to bench press? Inspector Gadget has the Perfect Pushup. What’s that overwhelming funk you smell? It’s not sweat. It’s the newest fat-burning lotion being marinated into Inspector Gadget by the newest, supersonic, shockwave ab-belt. While the rest of us waste our time brutalizing our bodies day after day with heavy weights, Inspector Gadget is getting huge shaking a giant stick and letting the electronic dumbbell do the work for him.

Rule of Thumb: If you don’t see the chiseled guy in the gym using it, it probably doesn’t work.

Do you need a hug? Is it ok if I use that bar or should I call someone for you?

The Dalai Lama:

The Dalai Lama is truly one of the most baffling characters in the gym.  There you will be working out and two or three sets later, something catches your eye. The Dalai Lama hasn’t moved. Not only has he not moved, he hasn’t opened his eyes. There he sits holding his weights in a complete trance. I’m not one to tell someone how to workout, but meditating before each set doesn’t seem to be helpful. It’s even worse if you are waiting on his holiness to use a machine. As he is summoning upon his ancestor’s spirits to help him crush that 30 pound leg curl, a line of people longer than a woman’s restroom at halftime is forming.

Rule of Thumb: If you think you may need to take a nap during your workout, pop a caffeine pill or slip under the covers.

So many gym rules are being broken here that I don't even know where to begin.

The Wife Beater:

Fortunately, this has nothing to do with domestic violence. Who are we kidding, this guy isn’t married. The wife beater is a little like a terrorist because you never really know when he is going to strike. Everything can be completely fine in the gym, then BAM! The Wife Beater burst into character. He decides it’s time to strip off the over-shirt and admit us all to the gun show. And without fail, The Wife Beater is one of two people: a) the fat guy who is testing the limits of an elastic shirt or b) a super-douche who apparently has convinced himself we are going to strike up a conversation with him about his “sweet pipes.” You will also notice that both the fatty WB and the douchey WB constantly glance at themselves in the mirror without being obvious. They don’t usually flex and pose. They enjoy creepy self-admiration. It’s a never-ending string of quick peeks and double-takes at themselves followed by quickly looking away anytime they feel eyes admiring them. Better not anyone catch you checking yourself out, they might think your way too into yourself.

Rule of Thumb: You aren’t fooling anyone. We all see you checking yourself out. Can’t we just all keep our clothes on and stay on task.

"If I keep this up, I'll be shredded in weeks."

Abs-oholics:

It’s a proven, scientific fact you can’t spot train fat, but don’t try to tell that to an Absoholic. Absoholics are almost always chubby to morbidly obese, and simply convinced that pounding out thousands of crunches is the way to a rippled physique. There they are clanking the weights on the ab machine like an ADHD-stricken, 8 year-old with a drumstick. When the noise dies down, you turn around to see them wildly swinging around from the pull up bar like a spider monkey. They test the weight limits on those giant, Swiss balls for hours on end. Do they ever attempt cardio? No need. They have a decline bench with their name on it.  Why run on a tread mill to burn fat when you can plop down on the ground and do seven thousand crunches that look like shoulder shrugs all while eating a protein bar?

Rule of Thumb:  It’s NOT working. Take a gander in the mirror, it’s NOT working. All those modern-day torture devices you see called cardio machines wouldn’t exists if your fit plan worked.

“He’s in the Zone”:

Nope, not a workout a zone – a TV zone. There is always that guy that steps into the gym and instantly gravitates to within six inches of the TV screen. “He’s in the Zone” hasn’t even put his bag down and he is locked onto whatever is on TV. If you’re lucky, your “He’s in the Zone” is the fat guy just standing on a motionless treadmill until his show ends. At which time, he wipes his, inexplicably, sweaty brow and heads home. However, the most severe examples of “He’s in the Zone” stand directly in front of the dumbbell rack and force you to get uncomfortably close to his manhood just to grab a weight. I have attempted lifting dumbbells that far exceed my ability just trying to avoid such an uncomfortable situation. God forbid he snaps out of his tv coma at the exact moment I am grabbing the weight he is resting his package on. Those few seconds of us awkwardly locking eyes would put me in therapy for years.

Rule of Thumb: If you must come to the gym to watch TV, please stand in a corner out of the way. That girl on the leg extension machine that you just stood directly in front of, at an uncomfortably close distance, for the last 1o minutes may file a restraining order.

Road Runner:

I think we all appreciate the benefits of circuit training and HIIT, but is it really necessary to sprint from machine to machine, station to station while other people are trying to workout? Is there anything more nerve-wracking then some scrawny, 50 year-old man wearing yellow short-shorts, a headband and jogging in place while he waits on you to finish a set? Road Runner is so schizophrenic with his routine that you never know where he is going to shoot off to next. It makes it impossible to avoid the guy. Even if you do manage to get to an exercise that didn’t make it on his hit list of exercises, you still have a full grown man darting around the gym like a kid all jacked up on Mountain Dew.

Rule of Thumb: If you must circuit train when large numbers of people are in the gym, try avoiding the whole crack addict in a moonwalk routine.

"Just . . . one . . . more . . . rep!"

The Grunter:

I haven’t figured out if someone told The Grunter that making loud, echoing, constipated noises during a rep is like hitting the power up button in a video game, or if there is some study that suggests projecting the noise “Uuuggggghhh” in times of stress will release a burst of testosterone-induced super strength. I do however know for a fact that bursting into a warthog mating call makes everyone very uncomfortable.

Rule of Thumb: If you are lifting so much weight that a strong possibility of you dropping a deuce on the gym floor develops, you need to pull the reigns back on the weight a bit. Which leads us perfectly into  . . .

Can you smell what The Rock is cooking?

Chemical Ali:

There is really nothing worse than an act of terrorism, especially in a weight room. However, Chemical Ali makes it his daily goal to clear out the weight room with gas attacks. I’m not sure if it’s all the inevitable grunting and straining of weight lifting, or if Chemical Ali is deliberately executing these chemical attacks, but it is difficult to stay focused and lift while surrounded by the thick haze of butt spray. And it’s hard to pinpoint the true terrorists now-a-days. Sure, it would be easy to discriminate and racially profile all the fat guys sucking down Taco Bell on their way to the gym. Unfortunately, we live in complicated times. With all the vegetarian diets, high in fiber, or the protein-exclusive fads running rampant in gyms, it could easily be the skinny guy on the treadmill or the chiseled guy pounding out pull-ups that just frapped all over himself. Most of the time it’s just too difficult to trace the leak back to its source, but one thing is for certain, there are no winners in weight room gas attacks. We are all victims.

Rule of Thumb: If you even have a little rumbling warning you that a shart is possible during your set, get up immediately, calmly make your way to the restroom and diffuse the situation before you put the rest of us in harm’s way.

Posted in Characters We Hate | Tagged: , | 4 Comments »

Characters We Hate: Weight Room Edition Part I

Posted by hilariousandhandsomesportsguys on December 4, 2011

by: Blockparty

Everywhere you go, there always seems to be clueless people doing their best to irritate the rest of us. Anyone who has stepped into a weight room for any amount of time has experienced these all-to-common characters. If you haven’t, then you are probably one of them.

Did you learn that on the mean streets?

The Champ:

Who doesn’t love that guy standing in front of the dumbbell rack shadowboxing? Nothing is quite as intimidating as a scrawny guy/fat guy/douche bag throwing combos at an invisible enemy. In fact, if you’re lucky enough to have one of those punching dummies or a punching bag in your gym, then you have seen the Champ at his finest. He undoubtedly throws a weak elbow or an awkward kick at the bag every time he walks past it. Watch out UFC, The Champ is training.

Rule of Thumb: Unless you workout at an actual MMA academy or have Kimbo Slice-esqu videos of yourself mauling people on YouTube, just lift weights or mix in a treadmill.

Really!?! You couldn't find another route through the gym to go get that?"

The Wanderer:

There you are channeling all of your focus and energy into not collapsing during your squat, or concentrating on using perfect form during a military press to avoid your shoulder erupting from its socket, when The Wanderer makes his way right in front of you and your view of the mirror. Few things can ruin a lift like some joker strolling around the gym, making sure to pass directly in front of the mirror. Sure there is plenty of space to walk around the people that are actually lifting weights. However, The Wanderer will never take a path that does not give him the best view of himself in the mirror as he goes to get another swig of his Route 66 Sonic drink.

Rule of Thumb: If you have an emergency and need to leave your lifting area for any reason, go behind everyone. Hop on the treadmill with your “Big Gulp” if you really want to walk around that much.

"Take a look at what I'm wearing, people. You think anybody wants a roundhouse kick to the face while I'm wearing these bad boys? Forget about it. You think anybody thinks I'm a failure because I go home to Starla at night? Forget about it!"

Arnold Look-a-like – 80′s Style:

You know the guy – late 40s or beyond, past his prime, but still living the dream – and rocking the same gear. He either sports the colorful M.C. Hammer pants with elastic waistband or squeezes into some skin-tight Pony baseball coach shorts. This will always be accompanied by the old-school cut off shirt that resembles a baggy, women’s halter top. Of course, the white socks pulled up to his mid-calf tops of this classic workout outfit. All he needs is a little face paint and arm streamers to pass for the Ultimate Warrior.

Rule of Thumb: Unless you can out lift everyone in the gym, please save that costume for Halloween.

Sir Mix-a-Lot:

We all love listening to some vein-bulging tracks when we are in the gym, but most of us prefer listening to the guy that made the cd. Sir Mix-a-Lot shuts out the rest of the world during his lifts and turns his workout into a Sing-a-long. Song after song, he belts out those beat, and if you’re lucky, he will throw in some sweat air-drum solos. Between his iPod and that N.O. Xplode he guzzled before his lift, Sir Mix-a-Lot puts on a concert we all wish we could forget.

Rule of Thumb: As much as we all appreciate good workout music, maybe save all those moves for Guitar Hero with your boys.

The Inventor:

The love-child of Thomas Edison and Richard Simmons, this guy can turn any piece of equipment into a circus act. Jumping jacks while holding the cable crosses, rowing the bench press machine, bicep curling the leg curl machine, these are all possibilities with this guy. Call the ambulance anytime this guy picks up free weights. If he doesn’t destroy something on himself, he may awkwardly ram some unsuspecting girl in the face with a curl bar.

Rule of Thumb: If you don’t know what exercise to do, ask. It’s better to sound dumb than look dumb.

The Douche:

The Douche is almost always the stereotypical dumb jock. Douche-McGee will make sure he attempts his max at the end of every exercise and then proceed to leave 400 pounds on the bar for the next guy to rack. You will see this clown walking from station to station in the gym leaving ungodly, heavy dumbbells and bars filled with 45s everywhere. Unfortunately, there is little we can do to this guy since we are the ones cleaning off all those 45s so we can lift with just the bar.

Rule of Thumb: Watch out Douche, one day you will fail to rack your weight around The Champ.

*Face Palm*

Male Groupies:

Male groupies are closely related to The Douche because they idolize him. The Douche never hits the weights without his posse of high school or frat boys to stroke his ego. Male Groupies have rarely been seen actually lifting weights. Their main job is to give The Douche ridiculous spots and loudly proclaim how much The Douche just lifted over and over again.

Rule of Thumb: If your workout consists of high-fiving people, wiping sweat off of other dudes, getting more weight for someone, and updating your Facebook status about how much The Douche just lifted, you need to get a life.

“Risk” Taker:

Remember that game Risk and how you tried to conquer as many countries as possible before you got annihilated by someone. Yeah, well the “Risk” Taker goes around the gym taking up as many stations as possible before someone snaps and knocks him out. The “Risk” Taker scatters his phone, water bottle, towels, shirts, and gloves all over the gym. You will find him getting a leisurely drink at the water fountain when all of a sudden he yells, “Hey bro, I’m on that!” Of course, he is also on the Preacher curls, bench press, Smith Machine and cable cross also.

Rule of Thumb: Don’t treat the gym like your living room and if you don’t want to lose a station, don’t get up!

Nope. Still not big. That mirror isnt magic.

Flex:

Flex spends more time working on poses in the mirror then he does actually lifting. It’s one thing to check yourself out in the mirror during your exercise, but it is an entirely different one when you start working your show routine in the middle of the weight room. It’s simply an abuse of mirror privileges. I guarantee you; no one in the room is impressed with your abs. Do you hear all those guys in the corner gossiping about how you got that sweet six-pack and bulging biceps? No, you don’t, and you never will because we really just want you to stop making everyone uncomfortable.

Rule of Thumb: If you don’t lube yourself up and trot out in a Speedo on competition day, then you have not reached the point where anyone appreciates you flexing in our mirror.

"I got some Speed Stick in the car. Maybe you could mix that into your routine?"

Sham-Wow:

For whatever reason, there are human sasquatches roaming the earth, and god have mercy on your soul if they workout at your gym. Sham-Wow sweats like he is being interrogated and no matter how much of that juice he rubs on the equipment, his body keeps on squirting out more. Luckily, Sham-Wow, much like his namesake, retains an extraordinary amount of sweat and stink. So, he will make you feel like you just got hit in the nose with a basketball every time he walks by you. If you’re lucky, he will start his workout with some cardio just to get the faucets loosened up.

Rule of Thumb: Please. We beg of you. Wipe off the equipment when you’re finished, and invest in some Extra Strength Mitchum.

The Unwanted Partner:

This is inevitable, especially if you must lift during busy hours, but you will hear those six words we all dread, “Hey bro, can I work in?” Of course, this isn’t actually a question. You have to let the guy workout with you or risk looking like a jerk. For the next hour, you are then stuck with some random dude spotting you with his junk over your head. No doubt he will begin asking you personal questions and offering unsolicited life advice. There’s nothing you can do to avoid this except working out early in the morning or late at night.

Rule of Thumb: Really? You had to do this exercise at this exact moment. Unwanted Partner, go do another exercise until you see me finish. There are hundreds of exercises and plenty of muscles for you to work while I am using this bench.

"Hey bro, you should really use a wider grip on those pullups and try mixing in more beef at breakfast."

Coach Theo:

There is a Coach Theo in every gym. This is the guy that knows everything about everything. You need a new exercise? He is the guy to talk to. You don’t need a new exercise? Don’t worry, he will come to you. Coach Theo will always make sure everyone in the gym is using perfect form. Wandering from station to station pretending to spot you as he explains what you are doing wrong. Working Chest and Triceps on the same day? Hahaha, not with Coach Theo around, he will make sure you lift all the proper muscle groups on the same day. Coach Theo almost always has suckered some girl into listening to his bull. There he is explaining to her proper running form on the treadmill, drafting a low-carb diet for her, and making sure she “loads up” the bar on squat.

Rule of Thumb: Just avoid anyone wearing a whistle in the gym.

Cursing at the top of your lungs is what truly seperates the men from the scrawny pansies

Mr. Testosterone:

Hope you brought your iPod to the gym, because Mr. Testosterone will ruin your day. This guy spontaneously erupts into dumb jock mode right before every lift. With every slap of the head and yell of “Whoooa” or “Yeah, Yeah let’s do this,” Mr. Testosterone gets a little stronger. Get ready because he will definitely drop F-bombs galore when he can’t finish a rep, and of course, if he can finish a rep, he will drop celebration F-bombs.

Rule of Thumb: Pull the needle out of your rear-end buddy, your making us uncomfortable.

"Don't worry bro, WE got this."

Battle Buddies:

In the military, your battle buddy is the guy that you never let out of your sight. You would give your life for him. In the weight room, Battle Buddies are the two guys that tag team every exercise. Most of us have spotters. Battle Buddies take spotting to the extreme. Sure there might be 300 pounds on that bar, but a good Battle Buddy never makes his buddy lift it alone. In fact, a buddy may only be able to bench 150 pounds with a spotter, but with the help of a Battle Buddy, that 150 pounds turns into 300 pounds tossed up three times, and that Battle Buddy makes sure his buddy knows that he “crushed it.” The best part about a Battle Buddy is that he gives you credit for all 300 pounds because he knows his buddy is about to return the favor.

Rule of Thumb: As much as we all love watching you two guys over there tag teaming a curl bar, I really don’t want you to mess all over the floor on squat day if your Battle Buddy can’t be there.

How much you wanna bet I can throw a football over them mountains?... Yeah... Coach woulda put me in fourth quarter, we would've been state champions. No doubt. No doubt in my mind.

Uncle Rico:

Remember Uncle Rico from Napoleon Dynamite? The past-his-prime, ex-high school football star that just can’t come to grips with the fact that he didn’t “make it big.” Uncle Rico rarely if ever picks up a weight. He just walks around waiting on someone to mention an exercise, or even just a number, so he can remind you of how much he used to lift. You just benched 185 pounds. That’s nothing. Back in high school Uncle Rico could bench 300 pounds, 10 times, after running stands for 3 hours. Don’t even try to avoid him by just not saying numbers or the names of exercises either. Uncle Rico has no problem telling you how much he used to squat as you are trying to not drop a deuce in your pants while squatting. And never forget how good Uncle Rico was out on the gridiron. He will be sure to relive his entire catalogue of highlight reel plays while you workout.

Rule of Thumb: Unless you have video evidence of your “never since been done” high school feats, please shut up and lift. On a side note, I’m sorry you reached your peek in high school and have nothing to look forward to in life.

Just because you own a pocket knife doesnt mean cutting the sleeves of your shirt is a good idea.

Rowdy Redneck:

If you live up North, then you are lucky to avoid this guy. Down in Hickville, USA, at least one person in every gym is apparently required to lift weights in skin tight blue jeans, cowboy boots or work boots, a “No Fear” t-shirt and a “Git-r-dun” hat with a fish hook on it. You spend half your workout hoping he doesn’t spit his chewin’ tobaccy out during a rep or that his Stranglers don’t cut of his leg circulation. The other half of your workout is trying to ignore his rants about killin’ deer, catchin’ the big one, and bringin’ down the gov’ment.

Rule of Thumb: I know that’s Budweiser in your water bottle. Why do you even lift?

Shot-putter:

You will be completely focused and cruising through a set when all of a sudden, “CLANG, CLACK, CRASH.” You have to stop immediately because apparently someone, somewhere is trapped under a bar with 425 pounds loaded up on it. To your surprise it’s some kid benching the bar and a 25 on each side who just slung the bar back up on the rack. Even better is the guy doing tricep pull-downs and just releases all the weight at the end of his last rep. And who can forget every attention seeking schmuck who has ever attempted a dumbbell exercise? If you didn’t know, it is apparently a rule that you must toss your dumbbells to the ground at the end of each set. Whoever makes the most noise gets a prize.

Rule of Thumb: If you can’t put the weight back down without making us think you just knocked over a China Cabinet, try a lighter weight.

I bet you almost outrun the treadmill when you get caught up in all the excitment of Harry Potter battling Voldemort

The Outfit:

I can’t really think of another way to describe this guy other than The Outfit. The Outfit comes in many shapes and sizes and has a wide variety of “workout gear.” He has recently been spotted lifting weights in dress pants, polo shirts, flip-flops, loafers, Crocs, sandals, blue jean shorts, various vests, long sleeve dress shirts, and even khaki shorts. I’m not sure if this guy just got off of work and forgot his workout clothes, or if this dude just got an urge in the middle of his World of Warcraft game to try out this thing called exercise. Whatever the explanation is, it’s not good enough.

Rule of Thumb: This is easy. Athletic shorts, t-shirt and athletic shoes. I’m really confused how this even gets messed up.

The Librarian:

There he is on the treadmill. Incline – 0. Speed – 2. TV – On. Book – In Hand. If you can read and comprehend a novel while doing cardio, are you really doing cardio? I must confess, one time I tried riding the exercise bike and reading Muscle and Fitness. Within 5 minutes, the magazine was covered in my sweat and I was reading the same page over and over again. I think the moral of the story is that cardio-time is no time to multi-task.

Rule of Thumb: If you can read and do cardio at the same time, I guarantee you are not in your “Fit Zone.”

Invisible Lats:

Either this guy’s lats are invisible or he thinks simply holding your arms out wide and walking like you just rode a horse into town makes you big. I know mommy always told you to walk with your chin up high and your chest out proud, but Invisible Lat guy takes this to an extreme. If you need Exhibit A, go to YouTube and check out that dingle berry Levi Johnston in his Pistachio nut commercial. Embarrassing.

Rule of Thumb: Unless you are a professional bodybuilder or a stingray, it’s very doubtful that you have a V-shape that forces your arms to never make contact with your sides.

Asshat (noun): Someone whose head is so far up their ass that they wear it as a hat.

The Asshats:

The Asshats are a group of guys that will display any and all of the previously mentioned behaviors. They are closely related to the Male Groupies, but The Asshats actually workout. These guys mostly fall into the 16-34 year old demographic. They always travel in packs and resemble what is known to junior high girls as cliques. The Asshats always congregate in one area doing exactly the same exercise. Need a bench. Good luck. The Asshats have the market cornered. Need those 25s. Sorry, The Asshats will be using those for the next half-hour. However, one cannot truly join the league of Asshats until he has learned to talk as loud as possible, laugh at stupid jokes, grunt during reps like a constipated donkey, congratulate each other like they just won gold medals, wander aimlessly around the gym (always in front of the mirror), and talk about any female in the gym at an uncomfortable volume.

Rule of Thumb: I really wish The Champ actually knew what he was doing so I could pay him to get rid of these guys.

Posted in Characters We Hate | Tagged: , | 8 Comments »

Characters We Hate: The Facebook Status

Posted by hilariousandhandsomesportsguys on December 19, 2010

by: Blockparty

Every day, possibly multiple times a day, we check our facebook pages to see what is going on with our friends. Unfortunately, some of our friends abuse their privilege of typing on the internet and force us to read useless and obnoxious status updates. Is it so much to ask for status updates that make us laugh, cry, inspired, excited, or even informed? Well, for these friends, it is far too much to ask.

 

Stop with the pictures. Stop with the updates. This has gotten out of hand.

The Gym Rat

Obnoxious Update: “Just got my swole on.”

“About to hit the gym . . . AGAIN!”

“Cranked out 20 pullups tonight. I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.”

Why It’s Obnoxious: No one cares about your workout! Believe it or not, most of the people forced to scroll through your daily workout accomplishments probably went to the gym too. And somehow through the holy power of St. Mary, they were able to jog on a treadmill without telling everyone. I’m sure this status is a desperate cry for attention. We all want the occasional, “wow, looking good buddy,” “are you losing weght?” or “omg, I had no idea Brad Pitt was coming to this party.” However, these compliments should be earned, not begged for by turning us into your workout diary. (And on a related note – no one wants to see pictures of you flexing in the mirror. Yes, you are the same person that gives workout updates)

What’s Acceptable: People want to hear about actual accomplishments. For example, you bench a small car at the gym. Facebook wants to know about this and see pictures. Maybe you ran in a big race you have been training for or you’re posting hilarious/inspirational, embarrassing pictures of yourself on a daily basis, then update as much as you want. Please, keep us updated on anything funny that happens while you are working out. If someone gets trapped under 400 pounds, we need to know. Some guy pees his pants a little because he curled so much weight, we need to know. A girl falls off the treadmill while talking on the phone and reading a magazine, we need to know.

Possible Fixes: “Just saw Arnold Schwarzenegger in my gym.”

“Definitely saw two guys doing synchronized flexes in the mirror – I really need a new gym.”

“Ran the Boston Marathon this morning. Passed a few Kenyans. What have you done this morning?”

 

Potty time just isn't very cute when Little Harry is all grown up, huh?

The New Parents

Obnoxious Update: “Little Jimmy peed the bed AGAIN last night, Chelsea colored on the wall, and I got no sleep because the baby keeps kicking my belly. When will this mommy stuff get easier?”

“Billy scored 3 times in his basketball game! Yea! Mommy’s all-star <3”

“Joey used the big boy potty!”

Why It’s Obnoxious:       In short, 1) you constantly complain about stuff every mom on earth is dealing with, but thankfully, is sparing us from constant updates. 2) You tell us about things that only you find cute, and 3) your kid just isn’t that great. While this may come across as slightly harsh, it needed to be said. For instance, if you don’t want to hear about every successful trip to the big boy potty that I pull off or every time I muscle down all my vegetables and “make a happy plate,” then I guarantee you very few people care that your kid did the same. And until little Johnny starts competing in triathlons or can beat me in a game of HORSE, you probably don’t want to talk him up too much. He might get a big head or I might show up one day to thunder dunk on him and his nerf goal.

What’s Acceptable: Maybe tighten the reigns a little on all the kid updates. Let us know when your little angel does something that doesn’t a) disgust us or b) bore us.

Possible Fixes: “Jimmy just out ran Usain Bolt! Wow my kid is fast.”

“Little Sarah just rotated the tires on the tractor by herself and seems to have learned Mandarin over the weekend.”

“Boopie just hit her daddy in the package with a baseball bat –AND I AM POSTING THE VIDEO NOW!”

 

 

Im sure this LOVE will last forever.

The High School Romance

Obnoxious Update: “I miss my man :-(”

“I have the sweetest boo ever. <3 Love <3”

“Benny and Samantha – Together Forever xoxoxo”

Why it’s Obnoxious: Everyone knows it isn’t going to last. I’m sure your 16 year old “man” is just the sweetest thing in the world, but let’s get serious. If the divorce rate is 50% for adults, the breakup rate for high school kids is probably close to 120%. Save the mushy stuff for when you are dating someone with enough money for an engagement ring. And in all honesty, these updates aren’t much more enjoyable to wade through coming from the serious relationships. If you are in a long-term relationship with someone, then you should love the person. We don’t need obvious updates. Roses are red and violets are blue, but you don’t see anyone constantly updating about those botanical facts.

What’s Acceptable: You get engaged – let’s hear it. You make it to your 50th anniversary – be as sweet and mushy as you want. Heck, you have a terrible breakup – shoot out those painful details. I’m sure it will make us all feel better about ourselves.

Possible Fixes: “She said YES – to the dress.  JK! We’re getting married.”

“He finally popped the question – at a stupid baseball game!”

“That evil bitch is cheating on me . . . with a music major!”

 

You need professional help that facebook just can't offer.

The Therapy Session

Obnoxious Update: “Why is she doing this to me? I’m dying inside.”

“I give and give and give and this is how you treat me.”

“Will love ever find me? Why does this always happen?”

Why It’s Obnoxious: Unless your psychiatrist has asked to do your sessions through facebook posts, this is really the wrong spot to lay out your dirty laundry. If you need a friend to talk about something, you might want to go old school and dust off a phone. This statuses makes all of your nice, not-close friends uncomfortable and the mean, not-close friends gossip about you. As a rule of thumb, if someone can answer the update with a “Do you need to talk?” or “What’s wrong? You know I’m always here for you?” then it doesn’t need to go out to the whole world.

What’s Acceptable: Nothing. If you are having a real problem, talk to a real friend.

Possible Fixes: NO!

 

No. He isnt desperate for attention.

The Riddler

Obnoxious Update: “WOW! I didn’t see that coming?”

“I just don’t know what else to do.”

“It is always darkest before the dawn.”

Why It’s Obnoxious: We all know what you are up to, RIDDLER! But it won’t work. We aren’t going to ask, “What’s wrong?” “What’s up bro? You know I got your back.” “I’m always here for you if you need to talk.” No! If you want to tell the facebook world something, then just say it. Why the games?

What’s Acceptable: Just say what’s on your mind – unless of course it is going to devolve into a Therapy Session or something related to your High School Romance. Actually, The Riddler is always baiting us into a Therapy Session or High School Romance problem. So, as a rule, it’s never acceptable.

Possible Fixes: NO!

"You know what, Grover? I forgot to tell our facebook friends how delicious that sandwich was that we just ate. I should do that huh?"

The Oracle of Obvious

Obnoxious Update: “Just woke up. I am soooo sleepy.”

“At work and booooored”

“Laundry finished! Next up, shower time. Then maybe food???”

Why It’s Obnoxious: WHAT!?!?! You were sleepy after waking up this morning! Did you call a specialist? I already dialed 911. OH NOOO! Your job was boring or stressful? Tragedy has struck your life again. Before posting something on facebook, a good question to ask yourself is “did everyone else I know experience the exact same thing today?” If its likely that your friends have also “used the restroom,” “sat in traffic,” or “ate lunch by chewing,” then stop yourself from typing.

What’s Acceptable: Extraordinary, incredible, unique, catastrophic or hilarious events are all welcome facebook statuses. If it takes a little thought before you post, that could be a sign of a quality update. Maybe you get trapped in an elevator that plummets 10 stories. Maybe you saw a flock of seagulls paint a group of school kids white. These are things your friends need to read when they scroll through facebook statuses.

Possible Fixes: “Survived an earthquake on my lunch break. Forgot to tip the waiter.”

“Disarmed a bankrobber on my way to class, and still made an A on the test.”

“An actual mother goose chased me today on my daily run. Set a PR.”

 

Repost this message before its too late!

The Spammer

Obnoxious Update: “President Obama is secretly kidnapping puppies and using them in underground international dog fighting competitions. Small fluffy puppies are even tossed into his shark tank. Don’t let your pet become a victim. Repost this and fight against the Muslim terror in the White House.”

Why It’s Obnoxious: It’s just not true. If it sounds crazy, or better yet, if the status asks you to repost something, then it’s probably not real. What is real though is how dumb you sound and the irritation you cause everyone that has to read that foolishness. I can guarantee you the government didn’t cancel Christmas, and no one is trying to poison your pop tarts.

What’s Acceptable: There is no such thing as acceptable spam. If there is really some catastrophe about to strike America, then I’m sure the news will jump on the story before your cousin Bubba. If you can’t confirm your status update on Snopes.com, then you probably aren’t uncovering a national conspiracy.

Possible Fixes: NO!

The Party Animal

Terrible Update: “Bout to get my beer pong on!!!!”

“I am DRUNK! Shouldn’t have had those last 10 shots. LOLZ”

“Last night was wild and crazy. Can’t even remember that guy’s name Lmfao”

Why It’s Obnoxious: These status updates are just sad. Not funny, not cool – just sad. People don’t like to know they have friends that are proud douche bags or sluts. If you want to be wild that’s fine, but no matter how many times you tell yourself acting like Snookie is cool, the rest of the world is still disgusted.

What’s Acceptable: Just keep your disappointing qualities and failures in life to yourself. For instance, if you piss your bed tonight, then I’d hope you would keep that to yourself. If you are a STD warehouse, then please stop announcing it too the facebook world.

Possible Fixes: Self-Respect, Maturity, Future Aspirations

Stop that! You're embarrassing yourself.

The Giggler

Obnoxious Update: “Forgot to get ice cream at the grocery story LOL!!! Guess ice cream sandwiches are off the menu tonight HAHA!! LMAO!

“LOLZ I think I had too much to drink last night LOL  gtg to work now :’( fml rofl

Why It’s Obnoxious: You aren’t really laughing. You can’t be, because nothing was funny. In fact, no one is laughing. As a general rule, if a facebook status ends in LOL or ;-), then everything said in there is ridiculous.  More importantly, you aren’t supposed to laugh at your own jokes. I’m not going to lie to you, I have sat behind my computer screen chuckling away at some hilarious chestnut that I was about to post on facebook, but I don’t let everyone know that I think it’s funny. It’s just breaking a cardinal rule of comedy.

What’s Acceptable: Laughing at other people’s statuses is acceptable. Laughing at the stuff you write is just uncalled for and possibly helps fund terrorists. I will have to check with The Spammer on that though.

Possible Fixes: Just don’t let everyone know that you think your material is hilarious.

When your arm gets hit, the ball is not going to go where you want it to.

The Play by Play Man

Obnoxious Update: “Go Cowboys” *moments later*

“That’s the worst call ever!” *moments later*

“Sacked Again – ugh!” *moments later*

“Interception in the redzone? WHY Romo WHY!” *moments later*

“Another turnover!?!? WTH!”

Why It’s Obnoxious: Everyone that cares about the game is watching it. So you are just bombarding non-sports fans with irrelevant updates. Then when the people that cared about the game check their facebook, they have to sort through 4 hours of your in-depth game analysis. Unfortunately, they saw every interception, fumble and touchdown, but thanks for chronicling the exact moment those historic events took place.

What’s Acceptable: Getting a friend to watch the game with you is acceptable. I’m sure they might actually care about your up-to-the-minute commentary. Putting your computer away during the game is another possibility. Even commenting on the game before it starts and after it ends could be a great statuses. In short, leave the play-by-play to ESPN. I think they can handle it.

Possible Fixes:                   “God, Please don’t let Tony Romo start dating Jessica Simpson again.”

“It’s official – the Cowboys suck.”

Posted in Characters We Hate | Tagged: | 465 Comments »

Steroids + Sports = Sense

Posted by hilariousandhandsomesportsguys on March 25, 2010

by: Blockparty

Let us begin this journey with a story that may or may not be entirely fabricated:

Boogie aka “Boo” McSmigglesmuffin dominates the NFL today. Boo has continued the same routine since he entered the league several years ago. Boo wakes up to the piercing siren of his alarm clock and stumbles into his bathroom to take his morning pills. He tosses back a couple aspirin to help stop his throbbing headache from the alarm clock, swallows a Ritalin to off-set his attention deficit disorder, downs several anti-inflammatory pills to ease the pain of last week’s game and chews his gummy Flintstone’s vitamin. Boo’s diet is carefully planned by his personal dietician/chef that has implemented all of the latest advancements in nutrition to optimize his performance. Boo heads to practice, where he takes advantage of the team masseuse and the state-of-the-art oxygenation chamber to quicken his recovery time. The team trainer injects Boo’s knee and shoulder with cortisone to ease the pain he experiences from his past surgeries, which fully corrected devastating injuries. At practice, he has been given the best equipment that money can buy and he takes full advantage of it. After practice, Boo heads to the weight room where a trainer has developed the most cutting-edge training regimen available. Then, to wind down his day, Boo hits the showers with his protein shake in hand, where his buddy will inject him with growth hormone and anabolic steroids.

QUESTION:

When did Boogie McSmigglesmuffin engage in improper performance enhancement?

a.  Alarm Clock

b.  Aspirin/Anti-Inflammatory

c. Ritalin

d. Flintstone’s Vitamin

e. Dietician

f. Masseuse/Oxygen Chamber

Why are there so many answer choices?

g. Modern Equipment

h. Cortisone

i. Surgery

j. Weight Lifting

k. Protein

l. HgH/Steroids

m. I have no freaking clue!

The Performance-enhancing drug (PED) debate in sports isn’t even a debate really. Overwhelmingly, people agree that PEDs should not be used in sports. PEDs make for a good news story though. They have ruined the careers of athletes, made them despised by the masses, and even wiped their names from the record books. PEDs are bad and everyone agrees – except me. In typical fashion, I’d like to know why. Why are PEDs, like HgH, pro-hormones, and steroids, the ugly, step-kid in sports. It’s obvious that lots of other things can, and do, enhance the performance of athletes. Modern advances in surgery, medicines, equipment, diet, and exercise all have the potential to enhance an athlete’s performance. So, why did these few drugs get singled out? Let’s look at the most common arguments against PEDs to see if they are really evil.

Every mother's dream.

It’s All About The Kids:

Really? Does this even deserve a response? Yes, kids may see athletes using steroids and want to try them. Yes, kids, for some mysterious reason, make athletes their role-models. But just like Sir Charles told us – athletes aren’t role-models, and if they are your child’s role-model, then you got bigger problems then steroids to worry about with that kid. Athletes have far worse habits that they are teaching kids than getting big muscles. Tiger has taught kids how to pick-up skanks. Jordan and A-Rod gave us all an in-depth lesson on infidelity. MJ, Barkley and AI teach advanced courses in gambling addiction. Ben Roethlisberger teaches Trolling Bars 101, and we could actually put together a full-sized, course catalogue of hilarious, yet disturbing courses that athletes teach kids (Don’t steal this idea, it’s mine). Get ready to ban strip clubs, alcohol, and slutty girls from sports if it’s really all about the kids.       

Just Say No to Drugs

PEDs Are Illegal Dummy:

The problem with this argument is that most PEDs weren’t illegal until recently. In the early 2000s many of the athletes taking pro-hormones and HgH could have very well been taking them legally. Moreover, many PEDs can easily and legally be obtained by a doctor’s prescription. Even though they were legal, athletes that used them are being crucified by everyone. So this can’t be the real reason PEDs have become the bad guy.

Now here is a guy that could use some steroids.

My Mom Said PEDs Will KILL YOU:

Uhhhhh – No. Of course, if you hook yourself up to an I.V. of steroids like a WWE wrestler then yes you will probably kill yourself, but if you are binge-drinking cough syrup you will probably also kill yourself. So, the overdose argument doesn’t fly. Stick an absurd amount of anything in your body and bad stuff will happen.

The reality of the situation is that there are no medical studies that prove steroids cause long-term harm to users. None. Zero. Not one. PEDs have been around for decades and demonized the entire time, yet none of the tests have ever shown steroids to explode hearts, cause cancer, spark spontaneous combustion, or any of the other rumors that your grandmother has told you.

Now side-effects, yes, there are definitely short term side-effects, but every drug has an immediate risk with their use. Let’s look at those side-effects:

 Depression, mood swings, heart palpitations, loose bowel syndrome, loss of libido, blood clotting, cataracts, Hypertension and Osteoporosis

Ok! I admit "Moobies" are a terrible side-effect.

Oh wait, that was birth control pills. Sorry about that. Here they are:

Ulcers, micro-bleeding, stroke, vomiting, nausea, asthma

No, no, my mistake that was Aspirin. Here they are for real:

Acne, mood swings, liver problems, gynocamastia aka man boobs, virilization, stunted growth, temporary sterility

Clearly, every drug has side-effects. Just like any other drug, these side-effects can be minimized by proper administration by a doctor. The user accepts the risks because the benefits of using the drug outweigh the potential problems. If someone wants to be stronger, faster and recover from injury quicker, then PEDs offer incredible benefits. Well then, if PEDs don’t kill you, unless you OD on them, and PEDs don’t cause long term damage when properly taken, then why are we singling them out in sports? It shouldn’t be health concerns.  

It Makes Your Muscles Big – Artificially:

What kid wouldn't want to look like this?

Lots of things make your muscles big. Protein Powder makes your muscles big. Eating more can make your muscles big. Lifting weights make your muscles big. Exercise makes your muscles big. Yeah, PEDs help immensely, but you could drink steroids out of a gallon jug and nothing would happen without hard work. The point is that there is a whole host of supplements, exercise techniques, and dietary regimens that also help increase athletic potential artificially, and they are not banned. So it can’t be our answer.

Taking it one step further, doctors insert and reconstruct body parts with artificial substances all the time. If artificial substances being administered into the body is the reason that PEDs are bad, then surgery will have to end in sports. Also, consider all of the pain killers that players are injected with just to step onto the field. Cortisone is an actual steroid, and it is the only reason many players can tie their shoes. Caffeine artificially stimulates the body. No more coffee for athletes? Does the guy with ADD not get to use his Ritalin because it helps him focus more than others? If a guy has Lasik eye surgery to get perfect vision, should we start a riot because he did it artificially? I don’t think that the “artificial” argument can be the reason PEDs are bad.    

PEDs Just Aren’t Fair:

This seems to be the biggie. “It’s cheating.” Everyone loves to preach about fairness anytime the PED discussion pops up. It usually comes in two parts. First, PEDs are unfair to all the legends of the game because the records become meaningless, and second, PEDs are unfair to current players because they will have to use them to stay competitive. Let’s look at them one at a time.

You call steroid users cheaters?!? These guys used horses.

Fairness to the record books is a complete joke. The record books were soiled years ago, and it is truly impossible to legitimately compare modern records with the past. Rules have drastically changed. The fields and courts have changed. Modern equipment gives today’s athlete more of an advantage than any drug could ever dream of delivering. Claiming that Barry Bonds ruined Hank Aaron’s homerun record because of steroid use *cough* – excuse me – alleged steroid use may be overlooking several other contributing factors. I’m sure smaller fields, watered-down pitching staffs, lower mounds, superior bats, modern balls, smaller strike zones, and technologically advanced scouting reports had nothing to do with more homeruns. Naaahhh, it was all his big biceps.

Babe Ruth thought alcohol, hotdogs and sex was the pinnacle of athletic training. Today, a team of dieticians and trainers make sure athletes’ bodies can perform at optimal levels. Just a few decades back, a blown knee or torn shoulder signaled the end of a career. However, the modern athlete is practically a cyborg by the end of their career. They have surgeries that not only save their careers from ending, but extend them and allow them to perform far beyond what the body could natural do on its own. If anyone ever tries to make the “unfair to the records” argument, please laugh in their face.

"This is all-natural." We believe you John.

"This is all-natural." We believe you John.

That leaves fairness to current players as the only possible reason that PEDs have become the super-villain in sports today. Is it really unfair to athletes’ peers though? Athletes like John Kruk think it is completely unfair that some athletes took advantage of PEDs benefits, while guys like him were afraid of the side-effects. Really? You don’t think putting down the beer and mixing in a salad would have helped you out any? Maybe a trip to the weight room and a few minutes on the treadmill would have helped a little too, right? But while some athletes were taking advantage of those performance enhancers, you were also afraid of their side-effects – namely, sweat, discipline, hard-work, soreness.

PEDs aren’t magic. The athletes taking PEDs have to bust their tails in the gym to see results. They just offer a very useful benefit to athletes at the cost of some side-effects, but this is the case with anything. Is it unfair if one guy practices longer than another or spends more time watching game film? Guys going home early could argue they are being cheated. They want to spend more time with their families and their home life will be ruined if they work as much as someone else. Well, that is a benefit-risk situation that you have to weigh. It’s not cheating though. Some guys may live in the weight room and consume tubs of protein powder. It’s not cheating just because you don’t like getting sore or are afraid of injuring yourself in the squat rack. You decided that the positives of difficult training didn’t outweigh the negatives that come with it. Having a surgery to continue playing a sport involves monumental risks, but this is not cheating. In the same way, I struggle to see how the risks involved with PED use are so dangerous that it scares people into being lesser athletes.         

So when did Boogie McSmigglesmuffin cross the line into improper performance enhancement? Are there stronger arguments against PEDs that I missed?

Posted in Steroids | Tagged: , | 2 Comments »

Characters We Hate: Pickup Game Edition

Posted by hilariousandhandsomesportsguys on March 12, 2010

by: Blockparty

                         It doesn’t take much to ruin a pickup game. It only takes one clown to slip into your gym or onto your court to transform a glorious game of basketball into a never-ending nightmare. If one of these characters makes his way onto your team, you might as well let the air out of those Pumps and head home because it’s going to be a long day.

"All right guys, huddle up."

The General

                If someone starts drawing up plays before the game even begins, just fake an injury and let someone else deal with this train wreck. Tight hamstring, “dead arm”, turf toe, blurry vision, irritable bowel syndrome – anything will do, just get the heck out of there. The General won’t stop with just drawing up plays. Oh no, The General will control the pace of the game. He will come down the court feverishly waving hand signals or shouting out numbers. God forbid you forget to set down screens or make five passes before taking an open shot, The General will call a timeout and make sure you don’t screw things up again. It doesn’t matter that none of you have ever played together before this moment. If you fail to rotate on command or remember your position in his version of the triangle offense, get ready for a lesson on his marker board during the next water break.   

 

Loose balls is Rudy's favorite stat.

Rudy

    Rudy is either A) the guy with way more testosterone than a human body can safely contain or B) the player who has no clue what he is doing but plays every minute like its game seven of the NBA Championship. Call an ambulance the moment you identify a Rudy because if he doesn’t pass out from dehydration or floor-burn induced blood loss, he will injure someone else. Rudy will be taking charges and undercutting guys from the moment the ball gets checked in. You think you have a wide-open layup on a fast break – think again. Rudy will chase you down and attempt a block shot that looks more like a monkey falling out of a tree. Rudy has mastered the art of the full-speed moving screen. You better pray to god someone on your team is calling out screens because he is going to blindside you all day long. If Rudy decides to guard you, just find yourself a spot far away from the action. Rudy is going to be on you like a wet t-shirt on a fat kid at the pool if you ever even look at the ball, and he will block you out into the bleachers if you try to pull a rebound. Just because you’re Rudy’s teammate doesn’t mean you are safe either. He will be battling you for every rebound and no good rebound is complete without his razor sharp elbows clearing out the area. Possibly worst of all, if Rudy is your teammate, get ready for an uncomfortable number of high fives, butt slaps and tribal yells. Rudy loves his teammates. Thank god there is no shower time after pickup games.

 

"We got Skins!"

Skins Guy

                “We got skins!” This is the go-to line for Skins Guy. Teams will hardly even be split up before Skins Guy can belch out the dreaded phrase – “We got skins!” Before the words are even out of his mouth, Skins Guy will have his shirt off and tossed to the side. He doesn’t care that he has been teamed with a wool-covered Sasquatch, a morbidly obese guy, a pasty white 130 pounder and the guy with three nipples. Oh no, Skins Guy has stripped off that shirt and is ready to go. Does it matter that you have matching shirts, colored jerseys, or have known each other from birth? Of course not. Skins Guy will not let fabric touch that body. Once he has proclaimed, “we got skins!” he will be shirtless the rest of the day.    

 
 

Multiple knee pads and a matching outfit from Wal-Mart can only mean disaster.

Old School

                Much like Rudy, Old School requires an immediate 911 call. You can spot Old School from a mile away. If the John Stockton short-shorts and the tucked-in, spaghetti strap workout shirt wasn’t an instant giveaway, Old School will always have a duffle bag full of “gear”. One after another, Old School will begin removing ankle braces, knee braces, elbow pads, medical tape, and goggles. Old School claims his “experience” makes him an asset, but what he really means is that he has no problem punching people in the package on screens or standing on their feet when they go for rebounds. Old School only makes it up and down the court twice before just standing on the offensive side of the court and calling for hail-mary passes all game. If he doesn’t blow his back out attempting a left-handed layup, he will be sure to blows yours out with a perfectly timed, two-hand shove to the back while you are getting a rebound.      

 

Get ready to front this guy the entire game. If he posts you up, its all over.

Sasquatch

                Thanks to Skins Guy, Sasquatch will always have his shirt off. Sasquatch not only grows a thick forest of bear fur all over his body, but he has already soaked his coat of hair with sweat before the first jumper is heaved up towards the goal. Without fail, Sasquatch makes his living in the paint – posting up anyone foolish enough to let their fingers slide through his foul-smelling fur and boxing out anyone that dares attempt a rebound. Sasquatch’s best offensive weapon is his unstoppable spin move, which is only unstoppable since he is a life-sized slip-n-slide. Just pack a bottle of Germ-X, spray deodorant and sheep sheers to be ready for this character.   

 

"I was open! I had to take the shot."

Rainman

                If Rainman touches the ball, you might as well start boxing people out – he is taking the shot. So what if Rainman missed his last 15 shots – he is wearing the new Jordan’s AND a shooting sleeve. No one even bothers to guard Rainman. Of course, he thinks that’s because he is losing his man with his sick, Richard Hamilton, off the ball movement; so he is oblivious that he is always open because he sucks. To make matters worse, Rainman will always have a mouth. If he isn’t calling for the ball or crying that he isn’t get enough touches, Rainman is dropping obnoxious one-liners after every brick he tosses up. “Got it!” “Moneyball!” “Gotccha!” “Hibachi!”  God forbid he ever actually makes a shot. But inevitably, he tosses up some hideous shot from 10 foot behind the three point line that banks in, and he informs you that “I’m a shooter. I just had to shoot my way out of the slump.”

 

"Seriously guys! You only have five seconds to get the ball inbounds."

The Rulebook

                Have you ever been in a pickup game only to hear “Three-second violation!” excitedly yelled? If so, you have met The Rulebook. Only The Rulebook counts out how long your big man has been in the lane or watches to see if both feet simultaneously hit the ground on that jump stop. And don’t even try to wear a wrong colored shirt. The Rulebook will inform you that not wearing a consistent color scheme is a technical foul. While everyone else is warming up before the game, The Rulebook will be checking the air pressure in the ball. Just buckle up and get ready for the ride of your life if The Rulebook shows up for a pickup game because every over-the-back, charge, carry, travel, illegal defense and hypothetical shot clock violation is going to be called, no matter what team committed the infraction. However, The Rulebook never forgets what the score is or who has the possession arrow. So he isn’t entirely worthless.

 
 

"I'll just take my ball and go home if you guys are going to keep fouling me."

Big Baby

                “You got me.” “I’ll take it up top.” “And-1.” “I got my foul.” Big Baby has a never-ending arsenal of ways to call fouls. In fact, Big Baby has never missed a shot or committed a turnover that wasn’t caused by a foul. Block his shot – foul. Block him out – foul. Pick his pocket – foul. That backboard shattering layup he just threw up – foul. Cross him over – travel. There is no winning with this guy. If Big Baby shows up to your game get ready to either fight or take your ball and go home, because he makes the game unplayable.   

 

 

"That was clean! I was blocking out. You were probably over the back a little too, but some of us don't cry."

"What?!? I got all ball."

Sir Hacks-a-Lot

                Big Baby’s archenemy is Sir Hacks-a-Lot. Sir Hacks-a-Lot prides himself in tough defense, which translates to beating the hell out of whoever has the ball in their hands. Sir Hacks thinks that blasting through you to dislodge the ball is “quick hands” and that putting you in an arm bar is “picking your pocket.” Once you have determined that Sir Hacks is guarding you, immediately ask your team to not pass you the ball. Sir Hacks will contest every jump shot like he is stage diving at a rock concert, and flies in for rebounds like a fat kid trying to get a piggyback ride. Worst of all, just get ready to be mocked if you ever call a foul on one of his scissor kick, flying elbow, blocked shot attempts. You are just “soft.”

 
 
 

Warning: Cardio King will cause blurry vision.

Cardio King

                The Cardio King is a curse whether he is on your team or the other. If he is on your team, Cardio King turns every possession into a fast break. If he gets the rebound, he will be flying down the sidelines all alone pushing the pace. If he doesn’t get the rebound, he will be the first one down the court and instantly start zig-zagging all over the place, curling off of non-existent screens and creating chaos as he is apparently being chased by invisible, rabid dogs. However, Cardio King on defense is more of a nightmare. He has mastered the one-man full court press – somehow guarding every person that was foolish enough to try and help bring the ball up the court. If you are lucky enough to break his press, Cardio King will lock-down on his man and simultaneous execute a suffocating trap on everyone else’s man that touches the ball. When the game finally ends and everyone heads for their respirators, Cardio King, without fail, chimes in, “Lets run it again.”   

 

"My boys are going to think this pretzel-looking, self-inflicted armbar, crossover is siiiiiick!"

And-1

                Few players can make you want to erupt into a profanity-laced tirade faster than And-1. And-1 has never actually played basketball because he thinks the Harlem Globetrotter’s moves are legit. After endless hours of practice, aka watching Youtube videos of streetball games, And-1 shows up ready to impress. Somehow, And-1 always gets the ball in his hands, and the only way you’re getting it back is after he knees the ball out of bounds or you just go steal it from him. He carries the ball so bad Allen Iverson would be upset and he thinks a running start is a “quick first step.” Somehow And-1 makes things even worse by constantly yelling “clear out” and “give me room.”  And don’t even try to question the legality of And-1’s “sweet handle.” The only way to neutralize And-1 and his spin move-between the legs-over the shoulder-crossover is to freeze him out of the game. It’s tough love.

 
 

Remember, you can't spell douchebags without d-u-o. Don't let them on your team.

Dynamic Duo

                Getting a Dynamic Duo on your team is the worst thing that can happen to you. In fact, you might as well just sit out and call “next” rather than play on the Dynamic Duo’s team. At best, the Dynamic Duo is two siblings or teammates that have just played together their entire lives and have magical, basketball, twin powers. At worst, you’re stuck with two douchbags that only pass the ball to each other and freeze out everyone else on the team. One way or another, you aren’t touching the ball with a dynamic duo on your team. Whether they are throwing no-look, alley-oop hammer dunks or executing the pick and roll like Stockton to Malone, or they are just bastards passing the ball back and forth to each other, launching up ugly shots, you will be stuck simply playing defense and rebounding for these two until the game ends.   

 

I think the worst past is that Glassman has to explain all these injuries to people. "Really guys, I tripped and sprained my neck on some guy's crotch."

Glassman

                I actually feel sorry for the Glassman. Glassman finds new ways to injure himself every time he steps on the court. He will get his fingers stepped on while wiping sweat off the floor, or get his nose broken by a wild, cross-court pass while he drinks water on the sidelines. Someone will get pissed and soccer-kick the ball, which Glassman’s nuts will promptly catch. The guy defending him will jab him in the eye or his ankle will pop like a gunshot while he grabs a rebound. It’s just sad that Glassman can’t even play a game of NBA Jam without literally catching himself on fire.

 

Yes. You want to punch this guy in the face before he even starts running his mouth.

I have no idea who this is, but he is about to ruin someone's game.

The Mouth

                The Mouth isn’t even on a team. He isn’t playing. He hasn’t ever played. In fact, no one really knows where this guy comes from, but he always shows up. There he is sitting on the sidelines in his Ben Affleck “I’m a douchebag” track suit/fruit-colored, leopard print, velour sweatsuit, letting you know how bad you suck. When someone gets blocked, The Mouth erupts like the fat guy in an And-1 video. Miss a shot, and The Mouth won’t let you forget it. During timeouts, he gets in “his boys” huddle and starts tossing out worthless advice like “you can’t let him do you like that” and “just take that punk – just take him.” When the game ends, The Mouth either erupts into a ticker-tape parade if his boys win or dips into depression and starts trying to pick fights if they lose. The best thing anyone can do is pretend The Mouth isn’t there because acknowledgment of his existence is jet fuel for his motor.      

 

 

"Guys! I'm open."

Cherry Picker

                Cherry Pickers are a blessing and a curse. They don’t reveal themselves until several possessions into the game, but as soon as they get tired of running up and down the court, it’s time to pick some cherries. Cherry Pickers just decide to stop playing defense and focus their efforts on standing around all alone on the offensive end of the court and wait for the full-court pass. Somehow, Cherry Pickers have convinced themselves that this is a legitimate strategy. Ignoring the fact that his team is playing 4 on 5 while he relaxes on the other end of the court, he believes that his teammates actually wants to tenaciously defend and crash the boards so he can do layup drills at the other end of the court. Really, who likes to shoot the ball anyway? To make matters worse, Cherry Pickers love to shout “I’m open!” as if no one knew that he had unilaterally decided to play all-time offense.  

 
 

Of course I can shoot. I wear replica nba jerseys to pickup games.

Deep Threat

                “Kick it out.” You never stop hearing this when a Deep Threat gets put on your squad. If you’re lucky, Deep Threat can shoot a little, but more than likely, Deep Threat is the short, slow, white guy that just perches up behind the arc and launches the three every time he touches the ball. Deep Threat has no concept of off the ball movement, setting screens, attempting rebounds or even dribbling the basketball. You can find him cemented into the ground at his favorite three-point spot just waiting for his moment to shine. Unfortunately, no one guards deep threat and someone ends up getting double-teamed the whole game because Deep Threat is no threat to move his ass from that spot. To make things worse, Deep Threat is usually a Cherry Picker so he is always alone on the other end of the court, but he will never take the open layup. Deep Threat saw Reggie Miller shoot a three once on an open, fast break, and he will forever try to capture that magic.  

 

"Charge. Charge. No basket. I'll take it up top."

Mr. Excuse

                Every pickup game has some guy that just sucks. Inevitably, this guy is Mr. Excuse. That lazy, cross-court pass that he just gift wrapped for the other team had nothing to do with him being terrible – oh no – you didn’t come to the pass. That atrocity of an air ball that he just ripped off had nothing to do with his failure to practice a jump shot the last twenty years. In fact, that’s “his shot,” but today was chest and bicep day at the gym and he’s sore. I know that it looked like Mr. Excuse just got junk-in-the-face, dunked on, but actually it was a charge. And of course, if not for eating those three burritos before the game, he wouldn’t have been torched for thirty points by the other team’s worst player.   

 

"I got this. Just give me one more try."

Hops

                “Hey bro, toss me an alley.” No doubt, you have heard this from some clown that has just spent the last thirty minutes barely grabbing rim. Hops is in his element before the game, during water breaks and after the game. During the game, Hops disappears and there is no actual evidence that he actually participated in the game, but right on cue, when there is a pause in the game, Hops “flies” into action. He takes off in a full sprint from half-court and manages to grab enough rim to shake the goal and magically transforms himself into Dr. J. As you begin throwing him alley-oop after alley-oop, he manages to whiff on the ball, get rejected by front iron and tangle his hand all in the net before he starts making condescending comments about your passes. Eventually, Hops will get fed up with your “bad timing” and start attempting windmill dunks and off-the-backboard 360 slams on his own. Unfortunately, his “hamstring will tighten up” or his “stomach will start acting up” and prevent him from executing dunks that Vince Carter has never pulled off. Just pray there isn’t a tennis ball within a mile of the court, because one Candace Parker dunk with a tennis ball will star 

Posted in Characters We Hate | Tagged: | 7 Comments »

Breaking News: ESPN Finishes Off the Roll, Laughs at America

Posted by hilariousandhandsomesportsguys on December 23, 2009

By: Blockparty

What is the greatest feeling in the world? Winning the lottery? Closing that big deal? Making a full-court shot? Hitting a game winner? No, not even close. This greatest feeling in the world is actually obtained in an unexpected place. Don’t you hate using public restrooms? They are disgusting. They smell like a sweaty fat guy that just had to walk home from Taco Bell. They are covered in foul and senseless graffiti, which makes you question the intelligence of Americans. Worst of all, they are only cleaned once a month and by some zit-faced kid that simply uses a mop to spread around whatever fluids are already soaking the concrete floor.

But inevitably, you will be driving down the road, hours from the comfort of your own pristine bathroom, when it hits you. Nothing you can do will hold back the impending disaster, so you wildly whip into the nearest gas station parking lot like a drunken, stunt-driver. You plow your way past all the customers in the store and enter a filthy, dimly lit room that would be too heinous for Fear Factor. Once you complete your ungodly deed, that magical moment happens. You stand up and look down at the toilet paper dispenser only to realize that you just finished off the roll. At this exact moment, you are overcome with emotion. Not only have you just avoided one of life’s greatest catastrophes, but you have created what is guaranteed to be the worst moment in someone else’s life.

Whoever franticly shuffles into that restroom with their cheeks clinched tight is going to realize that the roll is empty just a little too late. You can only smile to yourself knowing the panic attack the next person will experience when they look over at that roll you just emptied. A feeling of satisfaction and sheer joy rushes through your veins as you imagine the chaos that ensues when someone realizes they have no way out of that stall that doesn’t end with years of therapy. Maybe McGyver could make it out of that restroom, but not without a mess on his hands. You step away from the sink with your head held high and leave that restroom a new man. That magical feeling is only matched by the moment that you actually see the face of “the guy” rushing past you into your glorious booby-trap. 

This is exactly what ESPN does to us on a weekly basis. They purposefully finish off the toilet paper roll and leave us stuck in a restroom debating whether to tear our undershirt into strips or just waddle out of the restroom with our head hanging low. Week after week, we turn on ESPN only to see gymnastics or women’s basketball, and somewhere in America, there is an ESPN executive with a giant smile on his face knowing there is nowhere else for us to turn for sports. Sure, we could change the channel and watch Jon and Kate Plus Eight or just lower our head and watch another round of obscure boxers bore us to death. While I am sure that knowing how miserable we are every time we see another NASCAR race or hockey game is an amazing feeling for ESPN, this trend needs to stop.  Here are a few things that ESPN can feel free to stop abusing us with night after night.

HIGH SCHOOL SPORTS

                Plain and simple – there is no reason for a grown man to watch high school sports unless he proves that he falls within one of the few exceptions. The exceptions for watching high school kids play a sport are as follows:

  1. You coach the team.
  2. Someone in your immediate family is on the team, and he/she is a starter and begged you to come on a night you had nothing else planned.
  3. You are being paid to watch the game as a scout.
  4. You are in Gamblers Anonymous and suffering a relapse.

If you do not qualify under any of these exceptions and still watch any high school sports, please mail your man card to Chuck Norris within five business days. What would possess someone to sit down and watch a bunch of 15 year-olds play a sport when there is undoubtedly a team full of guys in college or the pros getting paid handsomely to play the exact same game? In fact, if there is even the slightest possibility that you can play on the same field/court as someone without being humiliated on every play, then you don’t watch them. I will even go so far as to say that if you can lift more weights than the guy playing (Kevin Durant excluded), then you are wasting your time watching them. You guys tracking who the next prized recruit your college is after need some serious medical attention. ESPN, we watch sports to see it played at the highest level possible. We do not want to see scrawny kids running around pretending to play a sport. Put them back on TV in a few years if they have turned into actual athletes.

LITTLE LEAGUE WORLD SERIES

If putting high school sports on the “Worldwide Leader in Sports” is bad, then forcing us to watch ten year-olds play baseball is simply an abomination. What red-blooded, American man that has ever even daydreamed of being an athlete wants to watch the Little League World Series. Not only is it sloppy, slow and unathletic, but we know we are better than every player on the field. I can strike out any eleven-year old in America from thirty feet away, and I’m not even good at baseball anymore. You can take that to the bank. Can I hit a ball over a 4 foot fence 100 feet away? Make it 150. I will still clear that fence with pop flies. Whoever thought that monopolizing multiple ESPN stations with little league baseball for months out of the summer was a great idea should be beaten with whiffle-ball bats.

NASCAR

I know the chewing tobacco segment of our readers will hate me for this, but NASCAR is not a sport. No matter how painfully obvious it is that ESPN is trying to cash in on rednecks, driving a car is not a sport. In fact, I would say that if something is a basic life-function, done by the vast majority of America on a daily basis, then it isn’t a sport. Just because you make it “more extreme” doesn’t magically convert it into an athletic event.

Walking is not a sport. If granny tops out at 100 steps per minute as she speeds around the mall, we don’t put her on a Wheaties box. There are not sports revolving around getting dressed or brushing your teeth, and if they do decided to put engines on toothbrushes and take up air time on ESPN, I will be the first to call them out. Guys plowing through dozens of hotdogs or sucking down hundreds of deviled eggs aren’t athletes. They are obese.

“But what about running?” Sorry, people don’t run as a basic function of life. If I see hundreds of people running my way, I know that either a tidal wave is bearing down on me or animals escaped the zoo. In the same way, just because your car goes 200 miles per hour, doesn’t mean you’re an athlete. Actually, it probably makes you lazy because you picked a job that lets you sit in a car all day. “But NASCAR tests the athletes by forcing them to drive for so long.” Yeah, it’s called going on vacation. You won’t see anyone dumping a carton of milk on dad’s head when he drives his family from Texas to Florida this summer.

COMPETITIVE EATING

See Nascar. Additionally, this may be the least athletic thing that ESPN ever tried to pass off as a sport. I can’t think of anything less athletic than seeing how many Big Macs you can eat in an hour.

HUNTING/FISHING

Really? Can someone explain to me how this is a sport? You sit in a boat and wait for a fish to get hungry. Wow, fisherman must train constantly to endure such a feat. I don’t care if you have a sweet, wrist jiggle to entice the fish or if you know the perfect scent of deer piss to smear on yourself, these things are not sports. The better question is why on earth are these shows on TV? Who watches them? If you are crazy enough about killing animals to wake up and watch a hunting show at 5 in the morning on the weekend, then shouldn’t you actually be hunting? 

WNBA

Every time I see the WNBA on ESPN, I know that there must be a hostage situation at the ESPN studios. Unless someone is holding a gun to their head, I have no idea how this continues to get forced down our throats. There aren’t many sports that true sports fans won’t suffer through, but we all have to draw a line somewhere. The WNBA has taken a sport that most of us love and brutally hacked it to pieces. Not only is it slow and painfully unskilled, but it is always on ESPN. We would rather watch ping-pong or swimming or ultimate Frisbee over the WNBA. The absolute nail in the coffin for the WNBA is anytime a player “dunks” the ball. Maybe once a season, both teams will clear the court at the end of a game and give one girl a clear lane to run through for a “monster jam.” God forbid, she slips that ball over the rim because ESPN will show that clip like she took off from half-court and ripped the goal down. That weak dunk will get its own ESPN specials and be featured on ESPN Classic for months. All the while some 15 year old boy just did the exact same dunk at JV practice and got laughed out of the gym.

GYMNASTICS/CHEERLEADING

I’m not even sure what viewers ESPN is targeting with these shows. Are there any little girls watching ESPN at 10pm on a school night? If some guy is truly perverted enough to watch these shows as some sort of turn-on, do you really think he is pulling himself away from the internet long enough to watch? Of all the crazy things ESPN airs, this may be the most confusing.

ANYTHING LUMBERJACK RELATED

Can’t you just see ESPN laughing at us? They actually created stupid sports out of mid-air just to mock us. They know we have nowhere else to go, and this is the ultimate slap in the face. Log cutting? Tree chopping? Every time I see some fat guy in a flannel shirt, shimmying up a tree with an axe, I want to write a firm, scolding letter to ESPN.

HOCKEY

Thank god this dumpster fire of a sport self-imploded. It used to constantly be on ESPN, but now we are only forced to suffer through highlights on Sportscenter. Start an ESPN Canada if you want to air this atrocity, but there isn’t a real sports fan in America that gives a fat, cow nipple about hockey. Hockey is as boring as soccer, but no one ever played it as a kid, so it confuses us. ESPN would really be doing us all favor if it wasn’t hell-bent on showing highlights of hockey even though hockey has officially tanked. Of course they won’t do us that favor, but please, can’t we all just agree that hockey never deserves a place in the Top Ten Plays of the Night? Golf shots are more impressive than “spectacular” than hockey goals.

BOXING

Few things are more upsetting than ESPN’s blatant disregard for the emergence of MMA. Not only does Mixed Martial Arts offer a more exciting and multi-faceted sport than boxing, but boxing is boring America to death. I would bet my soul that the ratings for ESPN’s Friday Night Fights are absolutely annihilated every week by any UFC show that comes on Spike. ESPN gives boxing its own night to showcase no-name boxers dancing around in circles, but can’t even show highlights of UFC events on Sportscenter. In fact, the best they can do is air a short web show on ESPN.com once a week covering MMA. Seriously, ESPN, give the people what they want!

X-GAMES

ESPN, let me explain something to you. Those people you are forcing us to watch rollerblade around in an empty swimming pool and flip dirt bikes over giant manure piles have never watched ESPN in their lives. People that are in the X-Games and that actually enjoy watching the X-Games never played a real sport. The majority of them probably spent their childhood loitering in a 7-11 parking lot, smoking pot. All these years ESPN has been making money off of jocks, X-Games guys were honing their craft in parking lots while trying to avoid being persecuted by dumb jocks. X-Games makes more sense on MTV then it does on ESPN.   

HORSE RACING

Horse Racing? Horse Racing! Is it still 1905 and all other sports have yet to be invented? Horse racing day on ESPN is possibly the most boring day of the year. Does anyone without a gambling problem even watch this? How exactly does this slip in under the category of sports anyway?  Who is even the athlete, the animal or the 4 foot tall, 80 pound guy wearing tights? Nothing about horse racing makes a speck of sense.

Posted in ESPN | Tagged: , , | 2 Comments »

Wet Paint and Women

Posted by hilariousandhandsomesportsguys on December 23, 2009

By: Blockparty
 

It is sometimes helpful for men to think about the complexities that makeup the essence of woman through the use of simple metaphors and analogies. This allows the finite minds of man to somewhat comprehend the never ending enigma that is female’s actions.

Females are like wet-paint. It is a proven fact that a guy can not walk past wet-paint without being irresistibly attracted to it. It doesn’t matter if the wet paint is on a wall, chair, or the top of an 80 foot water tower, a man’s primal desires force him to go see if that paint is really wet or not.

Likewise women send out all of these signals that say “get away”, “not interested”, “I’ll call the cops”, or “I’m dating Jesus.” For some reason a guy has got to find out if the warning signs are real. Or even worse sometimes the sign says, “dry paint”, “I’m interested”, “You’ll never know if you don’t ask” and BLAMB! Next thing you know, the guy is all covered in wet paint and embarrassed because he got shot down slash covered in wet-paint.

The key is to wait until the wet paint drys. Maybe stand real close to the paint and blow on it (aka send out the vibes) to speed up the drying process. Men foolishly run full blast into the wet-paint and then its all down hill, but as we all know the paint will eventually dry up. Undoubtedly, a female can be worn down to the point that she will like a guy that is ugly, dumb, fill in the blank as you see fit.

Just look around at the stupid looking guys with some amazing girlfriends. That didn’t happen because he rolled around in the wet paint and made a mess. He straight up plugged in a hair dryer and worked that wet paint. See now instead of getting all frustrated because you keep getting paint on your clothes everyday, just slow down the process and let the paint dry. Whether you are tearing down all of the warning signs on your way to getting embarrassed, or simply getting ambushed with wet-paint by the evils of female signs of deception and utter confusion, do not give up. Just have a little patience and let the drying process take its course.

Posted in Relationships | Tagged: , | 5 Comments »

The Attraction Equation

Posted by hilariousandhandsomesportsguys on December 23, 2009

By: Blockparty

We have all seen it. There you are, minding your own business, walking down the sidewalk, through the mall or around the track. Then suddenly everything seems to snap into slow motion. Your senses sharpen. You can hear blades of grass scratch together in the breeze. You can see the rays of sunshine make their way toward the earth. The smell of a hummingbirds’ breath floods your nostrils. In that moment your focus turns to the couple walking your way in the distance. From a great distance nothing looks out of the ordinary. However, as the couple gets closer the problem becomes abundantly clear – there is no way on God’s green earth that this guy should be with that woman. Your brain immediately tries to solve the problem. She must be blind and possibly deaf. Maybe he is filthy rich. He must play the acoustic guitar – in public places. A genie granted him a wish. Maybe they are just brother-sister and for some very strange reason they enjoy holding hands in public while gazing into each others eyes. In those few seconds between seeing the mismatched couple for the first time and passing by them in confusion, your head has been tossed into a Dairy Queen Blizzard-like brain freeze. After desperately searching for answers, you just know that this is one of life’s mysteries that can never be solved, like Bigfoot, ghosts and women’s emotions.

Fortunately, this natural phenomenon occurs so often that there is a way to make some sense out of the madness. First of all, it’s clear that women date down. Sure there are always exceptions, but 99.9999% of the time when you see a mismatched couple it is some redneck with dip in lip and beer in hand or a nerdy suspender-sporter walking hand in hand with the a woman that he should have never even been allowed to stand in the same room with. Rarely will some GQ model be seen with a homely, Little House on the Prairie type.

It is truly impossible to put a finger on why women date down, but it is quickly becoming a law of nature. Maybe women need a project – a man that they can nurture and fix. Maybe women need to control the relationship and choosing guys a few notches below them on the totem pole ensures this. Maybe guys are just so smooth they can pull of this miraculous feat (This is definitely not the correct answer). One way or another the general rule is that women date guys lower on the attractiveness scale then themselves. The next question is how far down the attractiveness scale do women go?

The answer is 2. Women will date men that are a maximum of 2 slots below them on the Attractiveness Scale. This means a guy can at his very best hook up with a girl that is 2 points more attractive than him. For example, a guy that is a 6 on the attractiveness scale can date a woman that is a 6, 7, or even an 8, but he can’t get any higher than that – 9s and 10s are unreachable. So what is this Attractiveness Scale and how do you figure out the Attractiveness Score?

Well, that is the easy part. The Attractiveness Scale goes from 1 to 10. 1 being Urkle, Screech, or any other classic tv nerd and 10 being insert your favorite heart throb here. But you may notice this is not called the Hotness Scale. Oh no, this is a far more advanced creation. The Attractiveness Score takes into account all relevant information: Looks, Personality, Bad Habits, Job, Intelligence, Skills of all types, etc . . . . So, you could be incredibly hot but a complete idiot with no real job aka and your Attractiveness Score will plummet. On the other hand, there is hope for those who were not blessed by God with even remotely decent looks because lots of money, a few good jokes and a nice car can catapult you into a woman’s heart that is far more amazing then yourself.

Now the light bulb has gone off in your mind. This once unsolvable mystery is slightly more manageable, and you know that this theory is true. There is still no answer for why women choose guys this way, but this is clearly what is going down. So look at your boyfriend or even better your ex-boyfriends. If he was 4 then that means you are a 6 at best. If he was a 2 then it is time to get to work and make some life improvements. Like the great Saturday Morning Cartoon Commercials once said, “Knowledge is Power.” Now that you have the formula, it is so much easier to play the game. If you are a guy-5 then there is no reason to waste your time trying to impress a girl-9 because a 7 is your max. It’s just never going to happen, unless you hit the gym, take a shower, stop shopping at Goodwill, and learn how to carry on a conversation that isn’t about beer, hunting or your glory days of high school football. For ladies, this formula could be a slap in the face by reality. If you have been with some real losers then you have to look in the mirror and figure out where it all went wrong. A woman-8 shouldn’t be wasting her time with the 4s and 5s of the world. It’s just unnatural. So, tally it up, discover your score and let the self-improvement begin.

Posted in Relationships | Tagged: , | Leave a Comment »

A Wedding Mystery

Posted by hilariousandhandsomesportsguys on December 23, 2009

By: Blockparty
 

Why? Why would anyone come up with such a ridiculous custom for weddings? The Garter Throw – Who on earth was the first person think, “Yeah let me strip off a piece of my new brides most intimate pieces of ‘apparel’ and toss it into a wild group of single horn dogs so they can fight over it – this is brilliant, why am I the first to think of this?” Who seriously considered that this was a great idea that should become the big moment at the end of every wedding reception across the country?

Even more surprising is that women everywhere go for this. I’m sure it would be frowned upon if some guy snapped his bride’s bra into the desperate mob. Yet, somehow it is ok to slip this frilly piece of nothing out from underneath your new wife’s dress and give it a toss into a crowd of the last people on earth that any man should want to give his brides undergarments to – single guys. Why not throw out a gift certificate to one of those online dating sites? How about create a little book with the phone number and picture of every single woman at the wedding then chunk that thing into the crowd? Why not just throw all of the things that the groom will no longer be needing now that he is married? Video games; sporting equipment; all of his “furniture” aka a futon and lawn chairs; his wardrobe of favorite hideous shirts that somehow “looks good” on him alone; his collection of empty energy drink cans and plastic bowls; posters of wrestlers, athletes, swimsuit models and movies; the George Forman Grill; Ramen noodle packages; and the list goes on and on.

To make the whole scenario even more confusing is the fact that the bride tosses her bouquet of flowers into a crowd of single ladies. That’s right – flowers. She didn’t wad up a pair of her groom’s holey, stained covered, whitey tighties and send that gem of a gift into the crowd of expecting ladies. No, the women have this classy, very wedding-like ritual of tossing a gorgeous bouquet to make the group of depressed single girls feel better about not getting married. Then moments later – the lingerie toss. Simply embarrassing.

Then I wonder – Who even wants this garter? Seriously, that thing would have to be like a dating genie in the bottle for me to even think about catching it. This thing has been strapped to a woman’s leg for hours and has soaked up who knows how much wedding day sweat. That nasty thing would have to grant me at least two relationship wishes before I even considered grabbing a hold of it.

What do you do with it after you catch it? Have you ever walked into some guy’s room and low and behold – a garter hanging on the wall? If yes, that guy is a pervert. Of course you can’t do any of the several options which any sensible person should do after unfortunately catching that scandalous piece of cloth. 1) Bringing it back to the poor bride that has just been disrobed in public and apologize for touching it; 2) Go beg the groom and the bride’s father for forgiveness for groping this woman’s untouchables on an otherwise glorious day; 3) Hide from the groom who must have set up this disgusting charade in order to fight whoever would openly compete for his new wife’s underwear; 4) Make a beeline for the nearest restroom and scrub your hands, trying out every soap dispenser in the room.

So there you are stuck with this embarrassing article in your hands. You can never look at the bride or groom the same ever again, and I’m sure they laugh about you behind your back. The only real option is to sever all ties with both friends and family and hope to never encounter this experience again.

To cap it all off, I’m pretty sure the garter doesn’t even have the mystical powers that people have claimed. If garters could get guys a date, much less find him a woman that wants to marry him, then every store on earth would carry this magic bean. They would be stocked right next to the bubble gum and tic-tacs at the gas station. There would be Garter Supercenters in every city where you could pick different types of garters which would bring you the specific type of girl that you want to marry. Garter sales on eBay would be through the roof. A garter that actually worked would bring a fortune in an online auction. I just haven’t heard any testimonials from satisfied garter catchers to make me believe that such a strange and embarrassing custom actually works. The whole situation just sticks out like a disgusting zit on an otherwise immaculate event. I just don’t understand how and why this happens.

Posted in Relationships | Tagged: , , | 2 Comments »

 
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