I took a quick survey of the biggest worry that was keeping my dearest friends up at night and the overwhelming response was – how does Matt juggle all of the rigors of life and deal with the waves of ladies that vie for his time.
Well, that is a ligitamate concern and yall deserve to know that I have come up with a brilliant solution. The analogy that popped into my mind goes like this. Basically women are in a sense like terrorists and men are like cities. Women arent evil, angry, vicious, crazy Fanatics…at least not in my mind, but they are very sneaky, plottingly, and downright cunning when it comes to men slash cities.
Men are like cities in the sense that some cities never have to worry about getting the attention of terrorists, while some of them are on a constant red alert. Most men are like Orange, Texas or any city in Nebraska while God made a few select men big time cities. By random chance I happen to fall into the later category. While I am not a New York City, like say a Brad Pitt or Tom Brady, I am sure that most women would instantly think of me as a Washington D.C.
Big cities have to always be on guard and come up with some creative measures to protect themselves from the advances of these terrorists. In the same way, I had to come up with a way to shield myself from all of the women that compete for my time.
I once heard from a wise man – beard equals girl shield. Since we all know that I could not grow a beard if the most brilliant minds of Rogain and Miracle Grow joined forces, I had to come up with something else. Instead, I can just allow my hair to grow out for a long long time. It is basically the same principle. I have long, comic book convention guy, looking hair and all attention that I normally would receive from girls will instantly be deflected to other targets. I know this is true. I have watched this phenomena before while my brother let his hair grow rampant. There you have it, you may all return to your sweet nights of sleep now that your fears have been put to rest.
(I know that I have effectively offended roughly half of the worlds population by comparing them to terrorists, and probably another forty percent or so would hate me if they ever relized that they dont fall into the big city category. BUT my only hope is that I brought a smile to someones face because we all know that, in reality, I can’t get girls to talk to me much less swarm me with attention, and even if one girl gave me a double-take, I would trip all over myself.)