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Archive for December, 2009

Mediocrity at it’s Finest

Posted by hilariousandhandsomesportsguys on December 26, 2009


I’ve always been intrigued by the mediocre athlete. Not the super duper Kobe Bryant/Albert Pujol stars. Anybody can cheer on those guys.  I’m talking about the 4 other guys that play with LeBron. The guys catching passes from Drew Brees. The MLB players that aren’t on the New York Yankees. Think about it. What’s so fascinating about LeBron having another triple double? Or another A-Rod home run record? Or Peyton Manning throwing 3 TD passes? Nothing. These guys are the best of the best. When they DON’T do these things, now that is interesting. But for the most part, the superstars prove on a weekly basis why they’re the faces of their respective teams and sports.  And whether you’re a lifer and never miss your team’s games or you tune into a sport for the 1st time in your life, the opportunity is there to see someone in action that makes you become a fan. Guys who have something about them that you can instantly identify with. For me, this happened frequently as I was growing up. The 1st was Wally Joyner, the light hitting Angels first baseman who peaked in his 2nd or 3rd year in the league. There was something about his swing and his ’80’s sunglasses that made me become an Angels fan. I was 7 yrs old and I had a hero. He was a scrub. Over the years. I became entrhalled with many mediocre stars: Terry Porter, Billy Owens, Trot Nixon, Calbert Cheaney, Carl Pickens, The immortal (to me) Jim Jackson. Don’t get me wrong, all of these guys had success. You don’t become a fan and they wouldn’t play if they didn’t have some talent. But they never achieved the accolades and numbers of the stars of their day. And I don’t think it’s right if they’re not remembered.

When the Fab 5 were playing for Michigan (illegally, but who cares), people instantly knew talented superstars Chris Webber and Jalen Rose. Sports fans knew who Juwan Howard and Jimmy King were. But NO ONE knew who that last guy was. His name was Ray Jackson, and of the 5, he was the only one that wasn’t a top 50 rectruit coming out of high school. He was the last one to earn a starting gig. The first to be forgotten. But you know who did know who he was? Michigan coach Steve Fisher ‘s Dad. Now Papa Fisher was an ex coach himself so he knew a thing or 2 about basketball. And whenever son Steve would call and talk about the team, Papa 1st wanted to talk about Ray Jackson. “I just like the way he plays, son” was what he would always say about Ray. Mr. Fisher saw something in Ray that he saw in himself and THAT is what makes sports interesting. That’s what I love about sports.

So I’ve decided to write a monthly column, and award a mediocre athlete every month. Now the criteria for winning this prestigious achievement is 2 fold. One, you can win it by being a player who excels in light of being a non-superstar. This is the positive side of the award. Players, like the ones above, who have stood out and shaken off the chains of inferiority and have taken steps to becoming, if not THE man on the team, a solid, relied upon contributor. Think Mike James from a few years back. Before that season in Toronto, the only thing I knew about Mike James was that he showed up a few times in those And 1 Mix tapes (presumably because he had an abundance of free time on his hands). Mr. James has been on 10 teams in 9 seasons. 10!!! Then goes to Toronto and absolutely blows up. He played all 82 games that year and averaged over 20 points per game. Slam magazine gave him amonthly column. He got a fat contract from the T’Wolves the next season (oh Minnesota, you never learn). He ended up not being able to beat out a rookie for the starting gig in Minny and he’s never really been heard from again. Barring that one season, James has averaged just 7ppg….that’s right. 7. He’s currently the 12th man on the Washington Wizards. I want to honor guys like Mike while the going is good for them.

 Now, I amentioned the criteria to win is 2 fold. While the Louis Murphys of the world would be thrilled that I’m acknowledging them,  You do not want to be Dwight Howard or Tom Brady and hear me coming down your street. Why not? Because superstars can also take home the mediocre achievement award…if their play is mediocre. My all seeing eye is currently resting on the San Antonio Spurs. How in the world is this team hovering around .500?? They’re currently behind the Houston Rockets who had a guy named David Andersen playing in the 4th quarter on Wednesday. So superstars, you’ve been warned. You too can achieve mediocrity. Depending on if a mediocre nobody is exceling or if a superstar somebody is atrophying more, I will decide which way the award pendelum will swing. I’ll announce the award winner for December ’09 later in the month.


Posted in Mediocre Athletes | Tagged: , | 1 Comment »

Breaking News: ESPN Finishes Off the Roll, Laughs at America

Posted by hilariousandhandsomesportsguys on December 23, 2009

By: Blockparty

What is the greatest feeling in the world? Winning the lottery? Closing that big deal? Making a full-court shot? Hitting a game winner? No, not even close. This greatest feeling in the world is actually obtained in an unexpected place. Don’t you hate using public restrooms? They are disgusting. They smell like a sweaty fat guy that just had to walk home from Taco Bell. They are covered in foul and senseless graffiti, which makes you question the intelligence of Americans. Worst of all, they are only cleaned once a month and by some zit-faced kid that simply uses a mop to spread around whatever fluids are already soaking the concrete floor.

But inevitably, you will be driving down the road, hours from the comfort of your own pristine bathroom, when it hits you. Nothing you can do will hold back the impending disaster, so you wildly whip into the nearest gas station parking lot like a drunken, stunt-driver. You plow your way past all the customers in the store and enter a filthy, dimly lit room that would be too heinous for Fear Factor. Once you complete your ungodly deed, that magical moment happens. You stand up and look down at the toilet paper dispenser only to realize that you just finished off the roll. At this exact moment, you are overcome with emotion. Not only have you just avoided one of life’s greatest catastrophes, but you have created what is guaranteed to be the worst moment in someone else’s life.

Whoever franticly shuffles into that restroom with their cheeks clinched tight is going to realize that the roll is empty just a little too late. You can only smile to yourself knowing the panic attack the next person will experience when they look over at that roll you just emptied. A feeling of satisfaction and sheer joy rushes through your veins as you imagine the chaos that ensues when someone realizes they have no way out of that stall that doesn’t end with years of therapy. Maybe McGyver could make it out of that restroom, but not without a mess on his hands. You step away from the sink with your head held high and leave that restroom a new man. That magical feeling is only matched by the moment that you actually see the face of “the guy” rushing past you into your glorious booby-trap. 

This is exactly what ESPN does to us on a weekly basis. They purposefully finish off the toilet paper roll and leave us stuck in a restroom debating whether to tear our undershirt into strips or just waddle out of the restroom with our head hanging low. Week after week, we turn on ESPN only to see gymnastics or women’s basketball, and somewhere in America, there is an ESPN executive with a giant smile on his face knowing there is nowhere else for us to turn for sports. Sure, we could change the channel and watch Jon and Kate Plus Eight or just lower our head and watch another round of obscure boxers bore us to death. While I am sure that knowing how miserable we are every time we see another NASCAR race or hockey game is an amazing feeling for ESPN, this trend needs to stop.  Here are a few things that ESPN can feel free to stop abusing us with night after night.


                Plain and simple – there is no reason for a grown man to watch high school sports unless he proves that he falls within one of the few exceptions. The exceptions for watching high school kids play a sport are as follows:

  1. You coach the team.
  2. Someone in your immediate family is on the team, and he/she is a starter and begged you to come on a night you had nothing else planned.
  3. You are being paid to watch the game as a scout.
  4. You are in Gamblers Anonymous and suffering a relapse.

If you do not qualify under any of these exceptions and still watch any high school sports, please mail your man card to Chuck Norris within five business days. What would possess someone to sit down and watch a bunch of 15 year-olds play a sport when there is undoubtedly a team full of guys in college or the pros getting paid handsomely to play the exact same game? In fact, if there is even the slightest possibility that you can play on the same field/court as someone without being humiliated on every play, then you don’t watch them. I will even go so far as to say that if you can lift more weights than the guy playing (Kevin Durant excluded), then you are wasting your time watching them. You guys tracking who the next prized recruit your college is after need some serious medical attention. ESPN, we watch sports to see it played at the highest level possible. We do not want to see scrawny kids running around pretending to play a sport. Put them back on TV in a few years if they have turned into actual athletes.


If putting high school sports on the “Worldwide Leader in Sports” is bad, then forcing us to watch ten year-olds play baseball is simply an abomination. What red-blooded, American man that has ever even daydreamed of being an athlete wants to watch the Little League World Series. Not only is it sloppy, slow and unathletic, but we know we are better than every player on the field. I can strike out any eleven-year old in America from thirty feet away, and I’m not even good at baseball anymore. You can take that to the bank. Can I hit a ball over a 4 foot fence 100 feet away? Make it 150. I will still clear that fence with pop flies. Whoever thought that monopolizing multiple ESPN stations with little league baseball for months out of the summer was a great idea should be beaten with whiffle-ball bats.


I know the chewing tobacco segment of our readers will hate me for this, but NASCAR is not a sport. No matter how painfully obvious it is that ESPN is trying to cash in on rednecks, driving a car is not a sport. In fact, I would say that if something is a basic life-function, done by the vast majority of America on a daily basis, then it isn’t a sport. Just because you make it “more extreme” doesn’t magically convert it into an athletic event.

Walking is not a sport. If granny tops out at 100 steps per minute as she speeds around the mall, we don’t put her on a Wheaties box. There are not sports revolving around getting dressed or brushing your teeth, and if they do decided to put engines on toothbrushes and take up air time on ESPN, I will be the first to call them out. Guys plowing through dozens of hotdogs or sucking down hundreds of deviled eggs aren’t athletes. They are obese.

“But what about running?” Sorry, people don’t run as a basic function of life. If I see hundreds of people running my way, I know that either a tidal wave is bearing down on me or animals escaped the zoo. In the same way, just because your car goes 200 miles per hour, doesn’t mean you’re an athlete. Actually, it probably makes you lazy because you picked a job that lets you sit in a car all day. “But NASCAR tests the athletes by forcing them to drive for so long.” Yeah, it’s called going on vacation. You won’t see anyone dumping a carton of milk on dad’s head when he drives his family from Texas to Florida this summer.


See Nascar. Additionally, this may be the least athletic thing that ESPN ever tried to pass off as a sport. I can’t think of anything less athletic than seeing how many Big Macs you can eat in an hour.


Really? Can someone explain to me how this is a sport? You sit in a boat and wait for a fish to get hungry. Wow, fisherman must train constantly to endure such a feat. I don’t care if you have a sweet, wrist jiggle to entice the fish or if you know the perfect scent of deer piss to smear on yourself, these things are not sports. The better question is why on earth are these shows on TV? Who watches them? If you are crazy enough about killing animals to wake up and watch a hunting show at 5 in the morning on the weekend, then shouldn’t you actually be hunting? 


Every time I see the WNBA on ESPN, I know that there must be a hostage situation at the ESPN studios. Unless someone is holding a gun to their head, I have no idea how this continues to get forced down our throats. There aren’t many sports that true sports fans won’t suffer through, but we all have to draw a line somewhere. The WNBA has taken a sport that most of us love and brutally hacked it to pieces. Not only is it slow and painfully unskilled, but it is always on ESPN. We would rather watch ping-pong or swimming or ultimate Frisbee over the WNBA. The absolute nail in the coffin for the WNBA is anytime a player “dunks” the ball. Maybe once a season, both teams will clear the court at the end of a game and give one girl a clear lane to run through for a “monster jam.” God forbid, she slips that ball over the rim because ESPN will show that clip like she took off from half-court and ripped the goal down. That weak dunk will get its own ESPN specials and be featured on ESPN Classic for months. All the while some 15 year old boy just did the exact same dunk at JV practice and got laughed out of the gym.


I’m not even sure what viewers ESPN is targeting with these shows. Are there any little girls watching ESPN at 10pm on a school night? If some guy is truly perverted enough to watch these shows as some sort of turn-on, do you really think he is pulling himself away from the internet long enough to watch? Of all the crazy things ESPN airs, this may be the most confusing.


Can’t you just see ESPN laughing at us? They actually created stupid sports out of mid-air just to mock us. They know we have nowhere else to go, and this is the ultimate slap in the face. Log cutting? Tree chopping? Every time I see some fat guy in a flannel shirt, shimmying up a tree with an axe, I want to write a firm, scolding letter to ESPN.


Thank god this dumpster fire of a sport self-imploded. It used to constantly be on ESPN, but now we are only forced to suffer through highlights on Sportscenter. Start an ESPN Canada if you want to air this atrocity, but there isn’t a real sports fan in America that gives a fat, cow nipple about hockey. Hockey is as boring as soccer, but no one ever played it as a kid, so it confuses us. ESPN would really be doing us all favor if it wasn’t hell-bent on showing highlights of hockey even though hockey has officially tanked. Of course they won’t do us that favor, but please, can’t we all just agree that hockey never deserves a place in the Top Ten Plays of the Night? Golf shots are more impressive than “spectacular” than hockey goals.


Few things are more upsetting than ESPN’s blatant disregard for the emergence of MMA. Not only does Mixed Martial Arts offer a more exciting and multi-faceted sport than boxing, but boxing is boring America to death. I would bet my soul that the ratings for ESPN’s Friday Night Fights are absolutely annihilated every week by any UFC show that comes on Spike. ESPN gives boxing its own night to showcase no-name boxers dancing around in circles, but can’t even show highlights of UFC events on Sportscenter. In fact, the best they can do is air a short web show on ESPN.com once a week covering MMA. Seriously, ESPN, give the people what they want!


ESPN, let me explain something to you. Those people you are forcing us to watch rollerblade around in an empty swimming pool and flip dirt bikes over giant manure piles have never watched ESPN in their lives. People that are in the X-Games and that actually enjoy watching the X-Games never played a real sport. The majority of them probably spent their childhood loitering in a 7-11 parking lot, smoking pot. All these years ESPN has been making money off of jocks, X-Games guys were honing their craft in parking lots while trying to avoid being persecuted by dumb jocks. X-Games makes more sense on MTV then it does on ESPN.   


Horse Racing? Horse Racing! Is it still 1905 and all other sports have yet to be invented? Horse racing day on ESPN is possibly the most boring day of the year. Does anyone without a gambling problem even watch this? How exactly does this slip in under the category of sports anyway?  Who is even the athlete, the animal or the 4 foot tall, 80 pound guy wearing tights? Nothing about horse racing makes a speck of sense.

Posted in ESPN | Tagged: , , | 2 Comments »

Wet Paint and Women

Posted by hilariousandhandsomesportsguys on December 23, 2009

By: Blockparty

It is sometimes helpful for men to think about the complexities that makeup the essence of woman through the use of simple metaphors and analogies. This allows the finite minds of man to somewhat comprehend the never ending enigma that is female’s actions.

Females are like wet-paint. It is a proven fact that a guy can not walk past wet-paint without being irresistibly attracted to it. It doesn’t matter if the wet paint is on a wall, chair, or the top of an 80 foot water tower, a man’s primal desires force him to go see if that paint is really wet or not.

Likewise women send out all of these signals that say “get away”, “not interested”, “I’ll call the cops”, or “I’m dating Jesus.” For some reason a guy has got to find out if the warning signs are real. Or even worse sometimes the sign says, “dry paint”, “I’m interested”, “You’ll never know if you don’t ask” and BLAMB! Next thing you know, the guy is all covered in wet paint and embarrassed because he got shot down slash covered in wet-paint.

The key is to wait until the wet paint drys. Maybe stand real close to the paint and blow on it (aka send out the vibes) to speed up the drying process. Men foolishly run full blast into the wet-paint and then its all down hill, but as we all know the paint will eventually dry up. Undoubtedly, a female can be worn down to the point that she will like a guy that is ugly, dumb, fill in the blank as you see fit.

Just look around at the stupid looking guys with some amazing girlfriends. That didn’t happen because he rolled around in the wet paint and made a mess. He straight up plugged in a hair dryer and worked that wet paint. See now instead of getting all frustrated because you keep getting paint on your clothes everyday, just slow down the process and let the paint dry. Whether you are tearing down all of the warning signs on your way to getting embarrassed, or simply getting ambushed with wet-paint by the evils of female signs of deception and utter confusion, do not give up. Just have a little patience and let the drying process take its course.

Posted in Relationships | Tagged: , | 5 Comments »

The Attraction Equation

Posted by hilariousandhandsomesportsguys on December 23, 2009

By: Blockparty

We have all seen it. There you are, minding your own business, walking down the sidewalk, through the mall or around the track. Then suddenly everything seems to snap into slow motion. Your senses sharpen. You can hear blades of grass scratch together in the breeze. You can see the rays of sunshine make their way toward the earth. The smell of a hummingbirds’ breath floods your nostrils. In that moment your focus turns to the couple walking your way in the distance. From a great distance nothing looks out of the ordinary. However, as the couple gets closer the problem becomes abundantly clear – there is no way on God’s green earth that this guy should be with that woman. Your brain immediately tries to solve the problem. She must be blind and possibly deaf. Maybe he is filthy rich. He must play the acoustic guitar – in public places. A genie granted him a wish. Maybe they are just brother-sister and for some very strange reason they enjoy holding hands in public while gazing into each others eyes. In those few seconds between seeing the mismatched couple for the first time and passing by them in confusion, your head has been tossed into a Dairy Queen Blizzard-like brain freeze. After desperately searching for answers, you just know that this is one of life’s mysteries that can never be solved, like Bigfoot, ghosts and women’s emotions.

Fortunately, this natural phenomenon occurs so often that there is a way to make some sense out of the madness. First of all, it’s clear that women date down. Sure there are always exceptions, but 99.9999% of the time when you see a mismatched couple it is some redneck with dip in lip and beer in hand or a nerdy suspender-sporter walking hand in hand with the a woman that he should have never even been allowed to stand in the same room with. Rarely will some GQ model be seen with a homely, Little House on the Prairie type.

It is truly impossible to put a finger on why women date down, but it is quickly becoming a law of nature. Maybe women need a project – a man that they can nurture and fix. Maybe women need to control the relationship and choosing guys a few notches below them on the totem pole ensures this. Maybe guys are just so smooth they can pull of this miraculous feat (This is definitely not the correct answer). One way or another the general rule is that women date guys lower on the attractiveness scale then themselves. The next question is how far down the attractiveness scale do women go?

The answer is 2. Women will date men that are a maximum of 2 slots below them on the Attractiveness Scale. This means a guy can at his very best hook up with a girl that is 2 points more attractive than him. For example, a guy that is a 6 on the attractiveness scale can date a woman that is a 6, 7, or even an 8, but he can’t get any higher than that – 9s and 10s are unreachable. So what is this Attractiveness Scale and how do you figure out the Attractiveness Score?

Well, that is the easy part. The Attractiveness Scale goes from 1 to 10. 1 being Urkle, Screech, or any other classic tv nerd and 10 being insert your favorite heart throb here. But you may notice this is not called the Hotness Scale. Oh no, this is a far more advanced creation. The Attractiveness Score takes into account all relevant information: Looks, Personality, Bad Habits, Job, Intelligence, Skills of all types, etc . . . . So, you could be incredibly hot but a complete idiot with no real job aka and your Attractiveness Score will plummet. On the other hand, there is hope for those who were not blessed by God with even remotely decent looks because lots of money, a few good jokes and a nice car can catapult you into a woman’s heart that is far more amazing then yourself.

Now the light bulb has gone off in your mind. This once unsolvable mystery is slightly more manageable, and you know that this theory is true. There is still no answer for why women choose guys this way, but this is clearly what is going down. So look at your boyfriend or even better your ex-boyfriends. If he was 4 then that means you are a 6 at best. If he was a 2 then it is time to get to work and make some life improvements. Like the great Saturday Morning Cartoon Commercials once said, “Knowledge is Power.” Now that you have the formula, it is so much easier to play the game. If you are a guy-5 then there is no reason to waste your time trying to impress a girl-9 because a 7 is your max. It’s just never going to happen, unless you hit the gym, take a shower, stop shopping at Goodwill, and learn how to carry on a conversation that isn’t about beer, hunting or your glory days of high school football. For ladies, this formula could be a slap in the face by reality. If you have been with some real losers then you have to look in the mirror and figure out where it all went wrong. A woman-8 shouldn’t be wasting her time with the 4s and 5s of the world. It’s just unnatural. So, tally it up, discover your score and let the self-improvement begin.

Posted in Relationships | Tagged: , | Leave a Comment »

A Wedding Mystery

Posted by hilariousandhandsomesportsguys on December 23, 2009

By: Blockparty

Why? Why would anyone come up with such a ridiculous custom for weddings? The Garter Throw – Who on earth was the first person think, “Yeah let me strip off a piece of my new brides most intimate pieces of ‘apparel’ and toss it into a wild group of single horn dogs so they can fight over it – this is brilliant, why am I the first to think of this?” Who seriously considered that this was a great idea that should become the big moment at the end of every wedding reception across the country?

Even more surprising is that women everywhere go for this. I’m sure it would be frowned upon if some guy snapped his bride’s bra into the desperate mob. Yet, somehow it is ok to slip this frilly piece of nothing out from underneath your new wife’s dress and give it a toss into a crowd of the last people on earth that any man should want to give his brides undergarments to – single guys. Why not throw out a gift certificate to one of those online dating sites? How about create a little book with the phone number and picture of every single woman at the wedding then chunk that thing into the crowd? Why not just throw all of the things that the groom will no longer be needing now that he is married? Video games; sporting equipment; all of his “furniture” aka a futon and lawn chairs; his wardrobe of favorite hideous shirts that somehow “looks good” on him alone; his collection of empty energy drink cans and plastic bowls; posters of wrestlers, athletes, swimsuit models and movies; the George Forman Grill; Ramen noodle packages; and the list goes on and on.

To make the whole scenario even more confusing is the fact that the bride tosses her bouquet of flowers into a crowd of single ladies. That’s right – flowers. She didn’t wad up a pair of her groom’s holey, stained covered, whitey tighties and send that gem of a gift into the crowd of expecting ladies. No, the women have this classy, very wedding-like ritual of tossing a gorgeous bouquet to make the group of depressed single girls feel better about not getting married. Then moments later – the lingerie toss. Simply embarrassing.

Then I wonder – Who even wants this garter? Seriously, that thing would have to be like a dating genie in the bottle for me to even think about catching it. This thing has been strapped to a woman’s leg for hours and has soaked up who knows how much wedding day sweat. That nasty thing would have to grant me at least two relationship wishes before I even considered grabbing a hold of it.

What do you do with it after you catch it? Have you ever walked into some guy’s room and low and behold – a garter hanging on the wall? If yes, that guy is a pervert. Of course you can’t do any of the several options which any sensible person should do after unfortunately catching that scandalous piece of cloth. 1) Bringing it back to the poor bride that has just been disrobed in public and apologize for touching it; 2) Go beg the groom and the bride’s father for forgiveness for groping this woman’s untouchables on an otherwise glorious day; 3) Hide from the groom who must have set up this disgusting charade in order to fight whoever would openly compete for his new wife’s underwear; 4) Make a beeline for the nearest restroom and scrub your hands, trying out every soap dispenser in the room.

So there you are stuck with this embarrassing article in your hands. You can never look at the bride or groom the same ever again, and I’m sure they laugh about you behind your back. The only real option is to sever all ties with both friends and family and hope to never encounter this experience again.

To cap it all off, I’m pretty sure the garter doesn’t even have the mystical powers that people have claimed. If garters could get guys a date, much less find him a woman that wants to marry him, then every store on earth would carry this magic bean. They would be stocked right next to the bubble gum and tic-tacs at the gas station. There would be Garter Supercenters in every city where you could pick different types of garters which would bring you the specific type of girl that you want to marry. Garter sales on eBay would be through the roof. A garter that actually worked would bring a fortune in an online auction. I just haven’t heard any testimonials from satisfied garter catchers to make me believe that such a strange and embarrassing custom actually works. The whole situation just sticks out like a disgusting zit on an otherwise immaculate event. I just don’t understand how and why this happens.

Posted in Relationships | Tagged: , , | 2 Comments »

Terror Threat: Women

Posted by hilariousandhandsomesportsguys on December 23, 2009

By: Blockparty

I took a quick survey of the biggest worry that was keeping my dearest friends up at night and the overwhelming response was – how does Matt juggle all of the rigors of life and deal with the waves of ladies that vie for his time.

Well, that is a ligitamate concern and yall deserve to know that I have come up with a brilliant solution. The analogy that popped into my mind goes like this. Basically women are in a sense like terrorists and men are like cities. Women arent evil, angry, vicious, crazy Fanatics…at least not in my mind, but they are very sneaky, plottingly, and downright cunning when it comes to men slash cities.

Men are like cities in the sense that some cities never have to worry about getting the attention of terrorists, while some of them are on a constant red alert. Most men are like Orange, Texas or any city in Nebraska while God made a few select men big time cities. By random chance I happen to fall into the later category. While I am not a New York City, like say a Brad Pitt or Tom Brady, I am sure that most women would instantly think of me as a Washington D.C.

Big cities have to always be on guard and come up with some creative measures to protect themselves from the advances of these terrorists. In the same way, I had to come up with a way to shield myself from all of the women that compete for my time.

I once heard from a wise man – beard equals girl shield. Since we all know that I could not grow a beard if the most brilliant minds of Rogain and Miracle Grow joined forces, I had to come up with something else. Instead, I can just allow my hair to grow out for a long long time. It is basically the same principle. I have long, comic book convention guy, looking hair and all attention that I normally would receive from girls will instantly be deflected to other targets. I know this is true. I have watched this phenomena before while my brother let his hair grow rampant. There you have it, you may all return to your sweet nights of sleep  now that your fears have been put to rest.

(I know that I have effectively offended roughly half of the worlds population by comparing them to terrorists, and probably another forty percent or so would hate me if they ever relized that they dont fall into the big city category. BUT my only hope is that I brought a smile to someones face because we all know that, in reality, I can’t get girls to talk to me much less swarm me with attention, and even if one girl gave me a double-take, I would trip all over myself.)

Posted in Relationships | Tagged: , , , | 3 Comments »

Urinal Adventures

Posted by hilariousandhandsomesportsguys on December 23, 2009

By: Blockparty

Based on a True Story:

Every man learns two crucially important things from a tender, young age:

1. upon walking into a restroom if another person is already in the process of draining the tanks you only position yourself next to that person if there are absolutely no other options.

2. There is absolutely no adequate reason for talking to another person while standing at the latrine.

Unlike the ladies, men must face multiple restroom designs. A guy never knows what type of facility that he will get to use upon entering the restroom. There are the typical urinals and stalls. These sometimes have dividers and sometimes not. There is the personal favorite feeding trough design, and even the community hole in the ground is used by some disgusting places.

But all men know that no matter what designs awaits them as they rush toward the restroom they must always put as much possible space in between the other person and themselves, and no conversation is allowed during these brief but important few moments.

So I am standing at your common run of the mill urinal, no divider, taking care of business when a guy explodes through the door. He rushes right up next to me an begins the festivities. He blatantly ignored rule number one as he cruised past the other open urinals and even the stall (man’s choice of last resort). I’m just going to come out and say it, he was operating a pressure washer down there. I have never heard so much force in my life and it went on for eternity. While he is chipping up the porcelain, he starts talking to me about his unusual ability to turn liquid into jet power. Totally disregarding rule number 2, he (serious as an emergency #1 on a bus trip) tells me that he drinks over 2 gallons of liquid every day, and that was the source of his supernatural powers.

Sorry partna’ that just isn’t possible. The human bladder is like the size of a kiwi so unless you had that new gas tank for human bladder surgery that is all the rave in Europe, I seriously doubt you drink over two gallons of fluid a day. I drink close to a gallon of water a day and live on the edge of wetting myself after every funny thing I hear. I am pretty sure you would drown yourself if you drank that much liquid everyday. Needless to say I was totally offended by his blatant disregard for restroom rules of procedure, and his outright lies regarding the amount of fluid the human body can dam up before it floods the surrounding areas aka your pants.

Posted in Man Rules | Tagged: , , | Leave a Comment »

Dodgeball Delight

Posted by hilariousandhandsomesportsguys on December 23, 2009

By: Blockparty
TRUE STORY – Not based on a true story, an every freaking detail is the unexaggerated truth – true story.

So, Josh, Jeshua, Ryan, and I head out to Church on the Move. Church on the Move being its typical awesome self not only provided everyone with sweet praise and worship but they concluded service with some delicious Chick-Fil-A sandwiches for everyone and competitive entertainment for the whole family. As fate would have it God scheduled Dodgeball to be played on that night.

The first twenty to thirty people to sign up got to play for the grand prize – a fifty dollar gift certificate to some incredibly fancy restaurant in town. Jeshua and Ryan immediatly decide to engage in this event. Josh played it safe not wanting to injury himself for the like tenth time that semester doing something retarded and I am basically restricted from playing Dodgeball with average folks because of my extensive Day Camp training (its kind of like the Olympics not letting professional boxers in with the amatures) not only that but everybody knows you have to have a girl to go with you to a fancy restaurant and well no need to hash over that problem area. So Josh and I retreat to our front row seats outside the plexi-glass walls to watch the massacre transpire.

And like a scene out of Gladiator the competitors begin to enter the enclosed basketball court. Easily two hundred people had gathered if not more around to watch this event. People packed around the upper deck looking down and layers of people formed on the ground level trying to see things happen. It seemed like slow motion as each person walked in and I could immediatly discern the pretenders from the contenders. A few teenage girls stepped in the arena that didnt have a whales shot in the desert at getting out of there without getting embarrassed much less winning. A couple “elderly” guys strutted in that basically havent come to grips with the fact that they are not athletes anymore. The rest of the group was high school and college age guys ready to straight up blast each other. At this point I am thinking Jeshua and Ryan are the Maximus of this group.

Then I see this guy walking into the playing area pushing what looked like a stroller with a igloo cooler on the front of it. I burst into laugter thinking this cant be happening. Ryan being the genious he is walks up to the guy thinking he is trying to sneak in a Dodgeball forcefield and says something like, “Hey man you know you cant bring that in here.” Little did Ryan know that this was not only a brilliant ball blocker but a walker for someone who can not walk aka handicap. Thats right a handicap guy slipped into the game and Josh and I are laughing like crazy while the others in the crowd fall into a confused silence.

So the game begins and as you can imagine Josh and I are cheering like madmen for our boys while the rest of the crowd slowly gets interested in this strange competition. Immediately the old guys and the teenagers are throwing their arms out trying to prove themselves alpha-male. The girls are quickly pounded with a barrage of fierce ammo. Slowly the guys begin whittling themselves down, the whole while Jeshua and Ryan are hiding behing the handicap kid and using him as a human shield. Of course no one has even thrown a ball within twenty feet of the handicap kid.

Ryan foolishly leaves the protection of this poor guy and gets knocked-out. It gets down to just Jesh and the handiman on one team and like three other guys on the other team. Lets recap so far Jeshua has hid behind the handicap kid the entire game and the handicap kid has not thrown a ball or been thrown at yet. Now Jesh has to get these other guys out because well his partna wasnt going to do it.

So like a scene from old school American Gladiators Jeshua hides behind his wall, runs out and gets a ball then dives back behind the human fortress. Now balls are coming at the handicap guy because Jesh is behind him, so what does this guy do, he starts swatting the balls away with his walker. Im not making this up. The guy has no shame, straight up deflecting the balls like bringing shields into Dodgeball games is legit.

As God looked down on this and smiled, He decided to make the story better. Through the skillful use of the human shield, Jesh was able to get the guys on the other team out. The air was instantaniously sucked out of the building when the Ref made Jesh and the Handicap kid square off in a duel to the death. I swear to you Jesh and the handicap kid stand there staring at each other for like two minutes. The whole building is silent like a library at this point. All you can hear is me trying to keep my laughter in so everybody doesnt think I am some sick jerk.

Jesh lobs a few half hearted balls towards the guy which are easily deflected with his handy body armor. You can only imagine the priceless look on Jeshuas face – he has absolutely no idea what to do in this situation. Like something out of a Hollywood script the handicapable kid pushes his walker to the side and picks up a ball. With this painful, every movement hurts, look on his face he waddles a couple steps toward Jesh and heaves a ball toward him. Im not going to lie to you he threw the ball pretty stinking fast and almost collapsed to the ground, but Of course Jesh simply steps to the side to avoid the embarrsment of losing to this guy.

Now with the forcefield down Jeshua see his oppurtunity to end this nightmare. Im not making this up, Jeshua straight up launches a ball at the guy, and smokes him right in his bum leg. As the guy crumples onto his stroller, the crowd quickly turns on Jeshua. I was a little fearful for our lives. Not only is the whole church pissed at Jesh for committing the unpardonable sin, but they all hate us for simply knowing him. Josh and I pour gas on this bonfire of anger by starting a victory chant for Jeshua which draws some bad looks from pretty much every decent person in the arena. Jesh receives his spoils and finds us, head hanging low. It was obvious he felt like crap, but seriously people what options did he have? Granted he didnt have to execute a direct hit at 70mph onto the kids cripple leg, but he couldnt take a dive – thats unAmerican, unmanly, even unChristian.

After we laugh like mad, and soak up a myriad of mumbles, grumbles, and insults from the church congregation while Jesh hashes through his emotions, Jesh decides to go give the victory bounty to the kid. He finds the guy and says he wants to give him the gift certificate. Doing what any self-respecting handicap person would do he gratefully declines the gift – Oh No. This guy actually takes the gift certificate from Jesh. This guy’s denseness is unmatched. He is handicap and enters a dodgeball game. Already having the unfair advantage that anyone that attends church wont throw at him, he uses his walker as a shield just in case things gets heated. After putting a poor guy through the misery and reputation killer of hitting a handicap kid in dodgeball, he takes the prize that he did nothing to earn. But hey what do I care without him there would be no hilarious story for the ages.

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Two of a Kind: Your NFL Team’s TV Comedy Body-Double

Posted by hilariousandhandsomesportsguys on December 20, 2009

 Have you ever been walking down the street and someone randomly stops you? “Do I know you from somewhere,” they ask with a sincere look on their face (So this excludes all of you Captain Morgan’s out their that use that cheesey line to pick up chicks). “No, I have never seen you in my life,” you mumble as you quickly push away from the likely pickpocket. Later that day, your best friend texts you. “OMG! I just saw your body double brah! That was nutzzzz. He looked just like you. lol.” (Ok, maybe he isn’t your best friend, but one of those people you have to give your number to even though you know you will regret it later). At that moment, you realize something life-altering – my friend texts like a thirteen year old girl, but more importantly, I might not be that unique after all. There might be people in the world that look, maybe even act just like me. Body-doubles don’t just occur with people. Oh no, in fact, some freaky-similar body-doubles have been spotted amongst NFL and TV comedy shows that will blow your mind. They look a little like this.   


New Orleans Saints: Curb Your Enthusiasm

Both CYE and New Orleans are undisputably the most exciting things to watch on television. Whether Drew Brees is lighting a team up for 400 yards and 5TDs or Larry David is picking a fight with a handicap guy in the parking lot, both are non-stop entertainment. Even when they have an off moment they are exciting. So, maybe the Saints are getting manhandled for 3 quarters. They will drop 35 points in the 4th for a comeback. Maybe, your bored with a particular episode of CYE. Just hold on because Larry will undoubtedly pick of a hooker to drive in the High Occupancy Vehicle lane. Even more remarkable is how both CYE and the Saints make mediocre to irrelevant actors/players look like all-stars (minus Reggie Bush of course. he is unfixable).

This past season of CYE with the Seinfeld cast really showed how much Larry David is capable of (both good and bad as he is obviously an obnoxious human being). HBO, notorious for pulling the plug on shows before they hit their prime, stuck with CYE and now they are reaping the benefits of adding all the whiny viewers who have been clambering for a Seinfeld reunion since 1998. The Saints are the most exciting team in the NFL (although Drew Brees could stand to tone it down a few notches in that pre-game military chant) and they are finally coming into their own after years of being the Aints. Gone are the days of QB’s named Billy Joe, bags on the fans heads, and Joe Horn’s cell phone. They now have Drew Brees’ birth mark, the resurrection of New Orleans post-Katrina, and Mr. Kim Kardashian. What’s not to like?

Indianapolis Colts: The Office

Is there anyone more awkward and loveably irritating than Peyton Manning and Dwight Schrute. They both look like goof balls and are way too intense for everyone around them. However, they can both grab an episode/game by the jock strap and propel it to success. While, like The Office, the Colts aren’t the flashiest team on television, they are consistently the best. They just get the job done. While people may not at first get The Office’s humor, it is 100% offensive – just like the Colts. If you keep watching either of these two gems, you eventually will be won over.

Indianapolis and The Office are the most reliable NFL teams/sitcoms today. They can both easily stake a claim that they are the best in their respected fields (although Indy has scraped out a bunch of their wins this year and the Office was not exceptional last season. It’s picked it up for season 6). But here’s where I’m at: As Michael Scott has spiraled downward to a veritable lunatic over the past few seasons, I find myself wondering if the show can survive without him. Whether he’s crying about wanting to be Santa, sleeping with employee’s moms, or driving his car into a lake to prove his GPS is flawed, he’s always up to something that would make you want to strangle him if he really existed. He’s clearly the most self centered human being in Scranton, but what would Dunder Mifflin be if he wasn’t around doing his Michael nonsense? I think I’m ready to find out. The Colts and their fan base, on the other hand, would be missing the following: The audibles from Hades, the Marvin Harr(whoops, he’s capping folks at car washes) Reggie Wayne connection, the sense that if he has the ball in the last 2 minutes he will win that game – those will all be gone. I don’t think Colts fans are ready to find out who’d be next.

Minnesota Vikings: 30 Rock

I don’t even like this show. In fact, I hate it, just like I hate the Minnisota Favres. Somehow 30 Rock wins every award imagineable and is all we ever hear about on tv. Does that sound like a certain NFL team? Similarly, if I have to hear about how great Brett Favre is in the clutch, boycott Wrangler Jeans. Granted, they both have assembled an all-star cast and keep dominating their competition. Who couldn’t win with Farve, Adrian Peterson, Tina Fey and Tracey Morgan. However, still vastly overrated by the media hype machine at the expense of better shows/teams.

Who doesn’t hate Favre during the off season? Even those jokers they call NFL analysts on ESPN get sick of talking about whether or not he’ll come back. But he finally does come back and you can’t deny the fact that he’s entertaining. Whether it’s annoyingly picking up teammates to celebrate his own TD passes or rubbing it in the Packers face like a jealous ex boyfriend who made it big, Favre grabs the spotlight. 30 Rock wins every award imaginable so apparently the emmy judges are just as infatuated with this show as we are with Favre. And while Tina Fey’s self deprecating humor gets old and Tracy Morgan’s limited acting ability always seems forced, the show is enjoyable. Just ask the critics.

San Diego Chargers: Seinfeld

Seinfeld was loaded, absolutely loaded with talent. They put together the most on one of the most explosively, hilarious tv shows for years, and then came the finale. Wha Wha Wha. What a disappointment. The show fell apart and laid one of the biggest eggs in sit-com finale history. Enter your San Diego Chargers. Every season we watch Rivers, LT, and Gates run wild on opponents. Merriman is sack dancing his way onto the list of most annoying players ever. Then comes the playoffs, and whoopsy, they choke up like a woman during the Notebook.

I always finished episodes of Seinfeld wanting more. A lot of times they wouldn’t even complete their story lines and you basically had to assume the conclusion. They were always so good, but I wanted to see George live out the consequences of all of his relationship blunders. I wanted to see Jerry just lay into Kramer for taking all his food every day. I wanted to see a relationship develop between Jerry and Elaine. And the writers led you on in those areas, but never completed the thoughts. In a similar vein, I want to see the Chargers put together a full season living up to their potential. Hey LT, stop always feeling bad for yourself, talking about your lack of respect, and run the ball like you have something to prove. Merriman, stop beating down 4 foot reality tv bisexuals and become relevant again, please. There’s too many unanswered questions with this roster. They should be dominant week in and week out (although they’re improving on that this year).

Philadelphia Eagles: It’s Always Funny in Philadelphia

Wow does Philidelphia have some fire-power. McNabb, Jackson, Maclin, Westbrook, McCoy, Vick. Wow. You expect the Eagles to be good every year, but they can absolutely blow up for 80 yard touchdown on every play. They may not be the complete package and they can be forgotten in a crappy division, but they are a team you can’t stop watching once you tune in. In the same way, It’s Always Sunny in Philidelphia is quietly becoming one of the funniest shows on tv that you may forget about because its on FX. Every character on the show has been developed perfectly and each scene has the possibility to be piss your pants funny. It isn’t quite as good as the top shows on tv, but it is pretty close. More importantly, I think all of us believe that the show is a very accurate portrayal of what actual Philadelphia fans act like when they aren’t tossing rock-covered snowballs at Santa or cheering life-threatening injuries.

Both are supremely underrated. Every time I watch the Eagles I feel like McNabb tosses 3 TD’s and smiles while he’s doing it. The fact that they seem to steam roll the Giants every time they face each other makes them even more enjoyable. Always Sunny has that same trait in that they seem to touch on topics and absolutely roll with them in a hilarious albeit controversial manner. I forget it’s on but when I’m flipping through and I see it, I never change the channel (until Danny Devito shows up…god that guy creeps me out). And I never really forget about the Eagles since I have a pension to draft McNabb every year in my fantasy leagues. So I guess we can honestly admit we made this comparison because they’re both set in Philly. Sue us. It’s a free blog.

Green Bay Packers: The Daily Show

Best news show on tv – period. You heard me. Is it sad that the most honest and object news in America today shows up on a fake news show on Comedy Central? Somehow John Stewart has made politics not only interesting and bearable to watch but must-see tv. Likewise, the Packers somehow have a NFL team Green Bay, Wisconsin! What’s more spectacular news on Comedy Central or a successful pro team in Wisconsin? And for those who didn’t know it is nipple chisling cold in Wisconsin and the Packers make people want to paint themselfs a stand in that weather to watch a game that comes on tv at their warm, fire-place crackling house.

The major thing these 2 have in common are their annoying fan bases. While I’m all for satirical news and I enjoy Stewart in certain doses, I seem to randomly run into the most annoying Daily Show fans who think the Jewish Stewart is the true Chosen One. Similarly Packer fans live and die by the success of the Pack. My old roommate from Green Bay confirmed spousal abuse rates go up on the Sundays the Packers lose so take from that what you will.

Cincinnati Bengals: Community

The Bengals play in the same division as Pittsburg and Baltimore. We pretty much expect them to suck every year. People probably wouldn’t hate them so much if they didn’t have Chad Ochocinco throwing away average Americans yearly wages every weekend so he can do some lame gag. Low and behold, the Bengals are pretty good though. They overcame Chad’s foolishness and mixed in some random no-namers and they are actually pretty good. I don’t think they will win in the playoffs, but they are pretty good. Community is pretty good too. They could’ve been overshadowed by The Office and 30 Rock, but they held their own. They have even made Chevy Chase bearable to watch despite is lame and tired act.

The Bengals and Community are both refreshing and both are the unexpected hits of 2009. While their NBC co-horts, the Office and 30 Rock have stuck to their normal shtick, Community consistently comes up with fresh ideas from shout outs to pop culture, to the overly PC state of our colleges, to the teacher/student relationship. Yes at times, Joel McHale struggles to look like a late 20’s slacker-lawyer, but he does his job as the glue of the show and allows everyone else to flourish. And I don’t care what Block Party says, Chevy Chase is a highlight of the show. Check him out singing with Britta’s ex “You’re a b, you’re a b, you’re a g d b”…I was laughing out loud. Chevy really re-invented himself here….just like Ced Benson. The Bengals made changes while Pitt and Baltimore stood pat. Looks like Cincy’s laughing now.

Arizona Cardinals: Family Guy

Offense, Offense, Offense baby. Family Guy lives and dies by hurting people’s feelings. It is tvs equivalent to the Cardinals pass-happy offense. Its rare to see such a hilarious show that doesn’t attempt to be clever, smart, or even make sense. Most of the show feels like the writers just toss darts at “the big wheel o’ slap stick humor” and then pull out a card from the “Box of obscure pop culture references.” Somehow it all comes together for a very funny show, most of the time. Arizona does it the same way. Kurt Warner makes a living just taking shot after shot down the field, and somehow they make it work. Truly remarkable.

“Holy crap, I think we had a hit on our hands”. This coming from Fox execs after they pulled the plug on Family Guy a few years back. Fan outrage and enormous DVD sales made their decision to resuscitate the controversial show easier, but it’s the shows ballsy attitude and nothing is sacred approach that keeps the viewers tuning in. Maybe it’s just me but shouldn’t Brian be funnier though? Maybe MacFarlane and the rest of those quacks think it’s hilarious to have the dog play the straight man on a sitcom, who knows. That dog just irritates me. Kurt Warner looked like a high school QB with a gimpy thumb after his initial success, losing out on a starting gig…A couple teams later, Arizona realized they might have a gem sitting on their bench (behind Matt Leinart of all scrubs). So they dust Warner off and throw him out there. Soon enough he’s giving some beat downs to the atrocious NFC West.

Denver Broncos: Modern Family

Where did that come from? If I told you that a show was coming out about a fat gay guy, a ginger gay guy, an old rich guy, a spectacularly hot columbian woman, another attractive middle aged woman, some random filler-husband, and a bunch of different kids, oh – and all of them are married slash related to each other in one way or another, you would not have clue how that show was going to work out. You sure wouldn’t predict that it be lights-out, the best show new show on tv. They did it though with Modern Family. Denver took a similar route this year. They brought in a coach young enough to be my brother, a mediocre, to possibly terrible, QB with a squirt gun for an arm, a rookie running back and mixed in a crazy, assclown receiver in Brandon Marshall. Somehow it worked and I present to you, the NFL surprise team of the season.

One hit wonders. No way either can keep up their success. On a weird, random note, I’ve had multiple females tell me how hot Josh McDaniels is. Which probably did help him when he was black balling/alienating members of his own team. If that guy looked like Andy Reid, there’s no way he makes it past the pre-season with all his shenanigans.

New England Patriots: Arrested Development

How is this show not on the air any longer? How are the Patriots not winning every Super Bowl? How is Brothers on FOX and not AD? How were the Dolphins in the playoffs last year and not New England? Arrested Development was the smartest, wittiest, downright most hilarious show to come on television in years. The fact that it is not on television anymore makes me question the existence of a god, and I make a weekly phone call to my Congressman to make an inquiry in to how this show was cancelled. I’m equally baffled every time the Patriots lose. You have Brady throwing the ball to Moss and Welker with Bellicheck on the sidelines the whole game and you lost!?!? How?

How long can this post be? Can I write a separate piece on the importance of this team and this show to their respective fields? Can it break down Gob’s magic act and tie it in with Randy Moss’ wizardry on the field? Can I compare my disappointment in Adalius Thomas to the Bluthe family’s embarrassment of Buster? Is there a better straight lead played than what Jason Bateman pulled off as Michael Bluthe? Is Tom Brady now the quintessential leading man for a football team? If you say no, what about if he wins his 4th ring? Who’s more gay, Tobias or Lawrence Maroney? So many questions I could dig into like I do with Lost, only this might even be more enjoyable. Hate the Patriots if you will, but deny their importance and you’re being naïve and ignorant. They’re the gold standard and have set the bar high for all NFL franchises. Just like the Bluthe family has done for the real estate market in Iraq.

Dallas Cowboys: Friends

Has there ever been a show more in love with itself? I only imagine the cast of Friends regularly referred to themselves as America’s Show. Of course only teenage girls and the most questionable of guys would dare watch that show and enjoy it. Do we see a glaring similarity here to the Cowboys? Every remotely knowledgeable fan knows they are overrated, and the only people that proclaim this team’s superiority are complete homers and 14 year old girls that think anyone that dated Carrie Underwood must be a good QB. In fact, there are very few people more annoying than Ross, Chandler, Joey, Romo, ex-Owens, and Jerry Jones.

Block Party and I were matching up teams and shows and obviously there were debates over certain shows (some serious curse words and momma jokes were thrown each other’s way over Facebook IM), but the light just came on over both our heads when we started talking about Dallas and Friends. It’s like those 2 extremely annoying people who get married. They just belong together. Think back. Do you recall any of your male friends talking about some hilarious one liner from Ross? Did they ever talk about some amazing Emmitt Smith run that showed why he was better than Barry Sanders? No and No! Tell me that if you see some guy walking through Walmart and he’s sporting a Romo jersey, you’re not questioning his sexuality. You can’t.

Baltimore Ravens: The Simpsons

Good ole’ faithful. Both the Ravens D and the Simpsons have been going strong for 10+ years now and show no sign of letting up. They both keep running out the same characters year after year and surprise everyone with a solid product. Ray Lewis and Bart Simpson refuse to die. The Simpsons aren’t the funniest show on tv and they aren’t even the funniest cartoon on tv anymore, but they laid the groundwork for all the South Parks, Family Guys and Adult Swim shows that have followed. Similarly, the Ravens aren’t the scariest defense anymore but they get the job done, and are the model for all the defensive oriented teams dominating the league today.

I was watching the Ravens on Monday Night Football recently and it surprised me how good Ray Lewis still is. Sure it looks like he put on about 50 lbs and his obnoxious screaming hasn’t been as charming since he shanked that dude a few years ago, but he is still in on almost every play. The Simpsons are still good for a few laughs all these years later. Don’t ask me how either of them keep getting it done, but they do. The curtain may be closing on both sooner than we think though.

Miami Dolphins: South Park

South Park may be the smartest comedy on television. Week after week they somehow make serious points about life issues by using talking turds, kicks to the nuts, and perfectly timed curse words. Many people disregard South Park as a crude and unholy waste of time, but objectively speaking, are those guys making South Park the smartest people in the room? In the same way, the Dolphins are mocked for running the Wildcat and needing gimmicks to score points, but can anyone stop it? They keep running these crude and offensive “trick plays” to score points and it just pisses people off. If I know anything, it’s that Bill Parcells has no problem telling you that he is the smartest guy in the room.

The best part about South Park is how relevant it stays with its story lines. Usually when shows are around as long as South Park, they get stale and unimaginative (IE Frazier, Home Improvement, FRIENDS!). But not South Park. I remember seeing Tom Cruise jumping on Oprah’s couch and it seemed like the next South Park episode was about Tom Cruise not wanting to come out of Butters’ closet. Just genius and shot out so fast, I was floored. And they do this all the time with today’s headlines constantly incorporated into the show. The addition of Stan’s dad as a major character has made the show even more well rounded. And while I will stop short of calling the Miami Dolphins genius-like in any respect, they have done a good job staying afloat and decent even though they are in the division with the most dominant team of the decade. They have to constantly re-invent their offense due to the crappy QB’s they always seem to have a plethora of and I can respect that they still consistently give the Pats a run for the money.

New York Giants: The Colbert Report

I love the Colbert Report. I really don’t like the Giants. I don’t like their uniforms. Their fans are obnoxious. East Coast Bias. LT was a drug addict. Bill Parcells made sweaters look tight – when he was in his “prime.” So this is a tough comparison. But I will say this. Stephen Colbert is irreverant, unobjective, dogmatic and self-promoting. He is everything a good political analysts shouldn’t be, but somehow if you can sift through all his sarcasm, you realize, “this guys is making some good points. Stephen Colbert is somehow more credible than Sean Hannit, Glen Beck, Rush Limbaugh and all the other crazies on ‘real’ new shows.” Eli Manning is the same way. He is everything a NFL QB shouldn’t be. He is quiet. He looks lazy and unathletic. He speaks like he got kicked in the head by a horse. However, after you watch him for a while you think, “man this guy is good. Is he one of the best quarterbacks in the league?”

When Eli was a QB at Ol’ Miss, I felt bad for him. I had seen him in an interview and I thought he was slow. I’m not trying to be funny, I literally felt sorry for this poor guy who had to grow up in the shadow of the amazing Peyton Manning. When I found out that’s just how he looks, I still pitied him. Surely, something’s off with Eli, yea? When he was drafted 1st overall, but Big Ben won a Super Bowl before him, I felt bad for this guy again. I was having pity parties for a multi million dollar professional athlete who played for a team I hated! What was I thinking?? And when he beat my beloved Patriots in the Super Bowl in their undefeated season….all that pity went straight out the window and I make jokes about his goofiness to any and all who will listen. I used to feel bad for Stephen Colbert. Living in the shadow of the mighty Jon Stewart and his Daily Show. But then, an interesting thing happened. When they spoke, Stewart cowherd to Colbert’s brashness. Colbert’s show was genuinely funnier than Stewarts, whose shtick gets old after a while. I was pitying the more dominant entertainer. The lesson: Don’t pity people, kids. They probably have their crap more handled than you do.  

Jacksonville Jaguars: Glee

I don’t care how many people tell me that Glee is the “hilarrrios” and the “best show on tv.” I’m not going to watch it. Same with the Jags. Save your breath. Don’t tell me how they are an upstart team or a “sleeper.” I’m not going to watch them. I refuse to give up my man card over either of these things. In fact, I can’t imagine a reason why I would put myself through the torture of watching Glee or the Jags. There is nothing compelling about a bunch of kids singing or an offense that runs the ball 75 times a game. I don’t want to watch High School Musical just in case you were wondering.

Jacksonville is such a random city to have a football team, like what the heck? Think of all the cities in the US that would love to have a professional football team, but don’t have one. Los Angeles. Ummm Hartford. Portland. Did I mention Los Angeles??? Ok, so maybe there’s not a ton of cities than can support a team, but Jacksonville? Seriously, what brain trust was involved in getting Jacksonville a team? Half their games are blacked out for crying out loud. Get David Stern involved. He’d have the Jaguars on their way to Tulsa or LA quicker than David Garrard can make it through the buffet line. Then there’s Glee. A “revelation” according to a recent review. I reveal musical comedies don’t last. And no I don’t care who wins the heart of the hot singer, whether it be the jock or the guy with the mo-hawk (2 obvious guys who would be in a Glee club by the way, Fox). Just get this team out of Jacksonville and this show out of every day news. Become like Bones, Glee. I don’t care if you stay on, just stay out of my constant vision.

New York Jets: Tyler Perry’s House of Payne

This show is not funny. This team is not good. It doesn’t matter how many times TBS tells us House of Payne is the best comedy on tv, it wont magically make anyone laugh. No matter how many times ESPN tells us that Sanchez is a good QB, it won’t mystically turn him into a great quarterback. If something sucks, it just sucks. No one laughs when HOP comes on and no one gets blown away when Sanchez eats a hotdog in the middle of a game. While both the Jets and HOP may (a big maybe) have potential to become mediocre. At the present time, the massive campaign to brainwash America should stop.

My first dose of House of Payne was a few years ago during the NBA Playoffs where TNT let me know that this show would be airing in the Fall. And by “dose” and “let me know” I mean made me practically drowned in the absurd amount if promos and teasers that they aired ad nauseum. And let me say that not one of the commercials were entertaining, intriguing, or even remotely funny. It was like being locked in Room 23 on Lost. Just maddening. The Jets are very similar. Who wants to watch Thomas Jones and this crew of mediocre talent compete on a weekly basis? Not me. But these lovable losers are all I see in the NY area. I escape ESPN and turn on local sports radio and what do I hear? “Why is Kerry Rhodes so terrible”, “How concerned should I be about Mark Sanchez’s behavior”, “Why is our head coach crying after press conferences” “TBS: VERY FUNNY”…whoops! Got my brain washings confused.

Tennessee Titans: Family Matters

When I was a kid this show used to be the highlight of my week. I remember TGIF being the most exciting thing the world had ever seen. It was a cultural phenomena. I have feelings bars shut down and strip clubs closed on friday nights because there was nothing better to do than watch Urkel. In fact, I just found out that the name of this show wasn’t Urkel. Urkel absolutely carried that show to the top of the mountain with his suspenders and catch-phrase “Did I do that?” Wow! Well, are the Tennessee Chris Johnsons any different? The most explosive running back in the league is the only reason any one tunes in to watch Tennessee, but oh is he and his 200 yard rushing games worth tuning in. A cautionary tale for Tennessee. When Urkel errr Family Matters got away from their bread and butter, nerdy Urkel and created that ridiculous super cool Urkel the show went straight to hell in a handbasket. Cool Urkel = Vince Young.

Every year, Tennessee manages to pull off yet another feel good story. This year it’s the redemption of Vince Young. Last year was the redemption of Kerry Collins. Vince Young’s rookie year it was VY proving the doubters wrong. They are constantly make you cheer for them. And aside from the McNair travesty this summer, he used to be easy too cheer for. Seemingly good guy, doing all he could to get the W. Family Matters was the feel good show of all feel good shows. And unlike with Full House or Step by Step, you weren’t embarrassed for feeling good. Urkel healed you. Admit it. It’s ok, he healed us too.

Alanta Falcons: American Dad

I want to like this show. I mean, I really, really want to like this show. The writer/creator of the show is a super funny guy. I like the Stan character and his hyper-conservatism. There is potential with Roger the Alien and the scrawny son, Steve. However, I wouldn’t be upset if I never saw this show again. It never really leaves me begging for more. It’s way better than trying to read a book. I will give you that, but I’m not going to boycott anyone when it goes off the air. The Falcons conjure up alot of those same emotions. Their GM is smart guy. I like the pieces he has collected, like Matt Ryan, Michael Turner, and Roddy White, but I’m never going to get in fight with someone over changing the channel during a Falcon game.

Since they have the same writer and a lot of the same components, American Dad will always be compared to Family Guy and it will always be in 2nd place to it. Nothing against, American Dad. It’s funny. The Goldfish isn’t but I’m ok with that. Along those same lines, no matter what Matt Ryan does he will always be in the shadow of Michael Vick. Nothing against Ryan. He’s solid. But he’s not someone who re-defined his position. Vick did. Vick and Peter Griffin were 1st. Sorry ATL.

Houston Texans: Parks and Recreation

Parks and Recreation is basically a spin-off of The Office. It has a very dry, witty humor. Its a mockumentary. Alot of the jokes are very subtle and it actually gets funnier the more you watch. It is no where near as funny as The Office and something is missing, but you can tell it’s trying to copy their model for success. My Texans are clearly trying to model the success of the Colts. They came into the league after the Colts and immediately started building a finess offense. It is explosive and high powered, but soft and lacking that intangible that the Colts have. They are alot of fun to watch, but you get the feeling they will always be in the shadow of the Colts.

I hate Amy Poehler. Our blog seems to throw that word around a lot, but it’s true. I never enjoyed her acting in any of her over the top characters on SNL and liked her even less as a Weekend update anchor….But as Leslie Knope, I gotta say, she thrives. And the show is really taking shape into something enjoyable. It’s no Community, but it does have nights where it over shadows the Dunder Mifflin crew. Go watch the episode entitled “Sister City” on Hulu right now. It’s perfect, start to finish. In the same vein, I hate Texas. Maybe it’s my east coast bias, but I don’t get the arrogance. But these Houston Texans are enjoyable to watch. They’re no Indianapolis, but they’re already knocking Tenn. and Jacksonville around.

San Fransisco: The Big Bang Theory

Have you ever had a skeleton in your closet? You know, like you are cheating on your model wife with dozens of ugly skanks. Or, maybe you smoke weed all the time and dream of being a message therapist. Stuff like that – you know, skeletons us normal folk have. Well, mine is loving The Big Bang Theory. I feel like its not cool to like this show and that it isn’t that popular, but there is something about those nerds, and maybe that girl too. San Fran is that team that I secretly love. Singeltary scares me to death. Vernon Davis looks like an ebony god. Frank Gore runs the ball knowing there are probably 10 men in the box. What a great team! But keep that on the DL.

Other than Blake Lively, Kelly Cuoco (yes, I totally had to imdb who the heck she was) might be the most attractive female on television. And any guy who read comic books or enjoyed video games as a kid (I went to Christian school so these were my 2 vices), should be able to see a little bit of themselves in the 4 lovable loser main characters. These factors combine to form a show I thoroughly enjoy. Whether they’re getting owned by Sheldon in some argument, learning about females from Penny, or going comic book shopping on “comic book Tuesday”, the show remains light and quirky, fast paced and entertaining. The San Francisco 49ers are light. They’re not gonna compete for a Super Bowl, but they’ll put up huge numbers for your fantasy teams, get mooned at half time by their coach, and be entertaining to watch. Unlike the Browns or Panthers. Or Ugly Betty or Scrubs.

Pittsburgh Steelers: Two and a Half Men

I honestly can’t remember a more mediocre show that has become so popular. Everytime I watch the show, I don’t laugh. I don’t crack a smile. I don’t find anything clever or witty. I really just feel more confused and can’t figure out why everyone is in love with it. This all applies to the Steelers. ESPN makes the Steelers sound like the most dominate team since Lombardi roamed the gridiron. So, I tune in to a Steelers game to watch them mascare some sacrificial lamb, and it never happens. They lose to terrible teams, struggle with teams they should hammer, or just get by with the “W” – never earning the praise heaped upon them. Also, if I could pick anyone in the NFL to be the sleezy, overhyped, womanizer that is Charlie Sheen, it would be Big Ben by a wide margin.

How many lives does Charlie Sheen have? 10? 15? I mean how many scandals can slip off this guy? After becoming an unbankable movie star and even worse person, he makes a comeback with (according to CBS) the top rated comedy on television. What? So you tune in and find out it’s a bordering on 50 Charlie acting like a clueless 20 yr old. Apparently, America finds that funny. Not this guy. I need actual acting with good writing. Same goes for the Pittsburgh Steelers. These guys are a generic team with an above average D who have success year after year. And I just don’t get it. They let their best players go all the time and yet there they are at the top of the standings. Sure they’ve had a down year in 2009, but they had a bad year in 2006 after they won it all the previous season too. They’ll be back next year. As will this ridonkulous show.

Carolina Panthers: Everybody Loves Raymond


Everybody Loves Raymond shot out of the gate as one of the funniest shows on television. A giant whiner, a guy with a crazy voice, the most hilariously obnoxious parents on earth: these characters had people going bonkers to watch this show. A funny thing happened though. The show got old after a while. It didn’t suck, but it was just the same ole, same ole. It didn’t get worse, but it didn’t get better and lots of other shows passed it by. Carolina has developed the same way. They were somehow spectacular as an expansion team. Then a few years ago, they even made it to the Super Bowl and came one boneheaded kickoff away from winning it all. Fastforward to today, and its pretty much the exact same team, with the same old players doing the same old thing. They aren’t horrendous, but no one is knocking over old ladys to get to the ticket booth either.   

What am I missing? He’s supposedly the most dominating defensive player in the game, but I never hear his name during games. I sometimes forget he’s playing till some color commentator invariably says “A quiet day so far for Julius Peppers. This is a completely different Carolina team when he’s on the loose” Well, guess what analyst. He’s never on the loose. He does nothing. Same goes for Raymond. If he’s so great, why did I never care that that show was on? And was it just me, but when I did tune in, how come the kids were never shown on screen? Was that a weekly continuity error? Someone explain that to me. Eh, never mind. I don’t care enough.

Buffalo Bills: Full House


Pop Quiz. First game of the year what happened with Buffalo? They almost beat Bill Bellichek and Tom Brady. They looked good. They had Trent Edwards slinging the ball around the field. Terrell Owens hadn’t accussed anyone of being gay. The defense was wrecking people. Fast forward to today. The Bills are awful. Their coach is gone. Starting QB is gone. Terrell Owens couldn’t catch a disease from one of Tiger’s harem of butterfaces. This team is simply a fraud. Full House is alot like that too. After years of good wholesome family tv, we learn how much of a fraud they were. Bob Sagat is one of the least funny and vile human beings on earth. The blonde girl was hooked on drugs. The Olen Twins have turned their lifes into a dumpster fire. Both of these are actually a little disappointing.

Do you remember being younger, tuning in to Full House and being entertained? I mean, even back then in elementary school, it was embarrassing to admit you watched you some Full House. But we watched and enjoyed. But check out one of those episodes now. They air them on random cable channels from time to time. They’re atrocious! They’re painful to watch even. The jokes they set up for the baby Olsen twins literally hurt me that adults would stoop to that level of corny. Buffalo, just like with Full House, people liked you. They do like you. But then you give us Trent Edwards and JP Lohsman and it’s just a little embarrassing. Stop embarrassing us please. Or you’ll be sent to Toronto.

Chicago Bears: King of the Hill

I really had high hopes for both Chicago and King of the Hill. I love Ditka and mocking rednecks, so how can I not love these two gems. Well, the words dull, boring and trainwreck come to mind. OK, trainwreck doesn’t apply to King of the Hill, but you can’t have a conversation about the NFL’s least likable asshat, Jay Cutler, without mentioning trainwrecks. At some point, they have to stop talking about how much “confidence Cutler has with his arm” and how he is a “play-maker,” and just admit he’s a guy that can throw a ball real hard to the wrong team alot, right? Don’t they? I mean he sucks right? I’m not the only one seeing this.

It can’t be overstated how little I enjoy this duo. I dislike the Bears so much, it made me root for Peyton Manning in the Super Bowl and my dislike for him never returned. The Bears have that kind of power over me. Thank God Rex Grossman is long gone, but they decided to bring in the only QB in the league who has a double chin. On the other hand, Mike Judge should be prosecuted for his contributions to American pop culture. Beavis and Butthead and King of the Hill. Good God man, have you no shame? I feel poorer just watching King of the Hill. It makes me uncomfortable in it’s dirtiness and lack of humor. Seriously, how stale was the writing in these episodes? Its success defies logic.

Seattle Seahawks: How I Met Your Mother

No. I totally believe that group of guys in their late thirties are cool college-age guys trying to find their way in this crazy world. What? Your going to keep running out these same, approaching middle-aged, actors season after season, and they will just try to get laid each episode and deal w the consequences. Oh yeah, that sounds awesome. How could that not be a good show? Yes, it’s true. How I Met Your Mother blows. It blows hard. Even worse, it is becoming offensive that it stays on the air year after year. The Seahawks follow a similar playbook. They have a team full of really old guys that get trotted out onto the field every week. Hasselback is bald. Seriously. Just like How I Met Your Mother, I completely forget that this team exists for seasons at a time, and then when I find out they haven’t been canceled, I feel like America is collectively being mocked.

Yeah, I believe Ted Moseby and Barney can pick up the most attractive women in NYC. Of course I do. Just like I believe Jim Mora and Julius Jones can lead a team to the Super Bowl. Didn’t you know?? This is their year!…Ok, Do I hate either of them? Definitely not. In fact, I like both. Who’s not entertained by Jason Segal or TJ Houshamenzadeh (Shut up Paper Clip, I know I spelled it wrong)….I just don’t believe either crew can be remotely successful.

Washington Redskins: SNL

What other show on television gets the biggest stars on earth every weekend and still finds away to not be funny? And Saturday Night Live just isn’t funny, it’s downright unwatchable. This wouldn’t be all that bad if we didn’t know that SNL used to be the funniest show on tv and it has unlimited resources to develop the best young comedians available. We see that the Redskins have adopted the same model to run their team. They dominated the 80s and into the 90s. Now they spend ungodly amounts of money to get the best free agents every year and still run an unwatchable product onto the field every Sunday.

I love how every year, some joke analyst says “THIS is the Redskins year. They signed (insert ridiculously high priced free agent) and he’ll sure up their (Area of need that ridiculously high priced free agent end up not suring up).” And all year long, Washington under performs and gets obliterated by the NFC East. But then there’s that one game. One game where all the stars align and Washington completely takes a team to the woodshed. “They’ve turned it around” we say. “They’re making a playoff run” Mike Golic presumes. And then Oakland routes them the following week. SNL leaks stars like sieve. SNL is good for one episode that absolutely blows people out of the water. Justin Timberlake is usually involved. Or one sketch that gets emailed from co-workers to co-workers, all across the country. Next thing you know, Joseph Gordon Levitt is hosting and you realize Mike Golic lied to you about the Redskins.

Oakland Raiders: Entourage

I struggle even putting this abomination on a list with other comedies. Since both Entourage and its fans seem to believe this is what funny looks like I allow it on the list – granted with the only grease fire of a team worthy of such a lame tv series. I’m actually a little irritated having to think about how mysteriously, popular such a shallow, uncreative show has become. Who actually sat down in the swanky Hollywood office and pitched this zit.

“Well, we are going to make a show. And uhhh the show, well its going to be about a gang of giant, flaming douchebags. Now hold on hold on. Im not finished. You didn’t hear me say that these douches will be completely self-involved and make all other douches look like stand-up role models. In fact, it will inspire douchbags everywhere to step up there game to never before seen hights. Now it gets even better. I see you smiling over there. You like where I’m going. Ok. Now, we will hire high school jocks as our writers just to make sure the dialogue is as shallow and dumbed down as possible. This also ensures the plot line will always be juvenile and predictable. So, as you can see we have basically ripped off Sex in the City except not as smart and with more estrogen. I can guarantee you that the only people that will like this are the most obnoxious of metrosexual guys and depressed high school girls who nightly eat ice cream while glued to the couch.”   

Well, I won’t go as far as to call the Raiders fans metrosexual, because by all appearances, they may be the least metrosexual of all sports fans. In fact, they appear to be whateversexual it is you become in prison. However, Raiders fans are blindly obnoxious and overly passionate about the most butchered and mismanaged franchise in football. The Raiders are an absolutely disaster in every possible way. They almost make Entourage seem like they could turn things around and make a funny show – almost.  

This one’s obvious. First lets take the fan base AKA Vincent Chase’s entourage. Both groups are really lame, but they just don’t know it. “Keep it up Oakland fan, painted gray and black with the spiked shoulder pads. You’re really scaring the Chargers.” or “People respect you, Turtle. Get mad when you don’t get the A-list treatment Vincent gets.” Just 2 delusional sets of people. Then you have the franchise AKA Vincent Chase AKA The Raiders. You have enough Ari Golds and Al Davis’ around telling you how amazing you are. But the bottom line is you’re irrelevant and have been since you turned down Aquaman 2 (or drafted Jamarcus Russell).

Kansas City Chiefs: That 70s Show


How can anyone like the show that forced Ashton Kutcher upon America? They kept ramming his weak, quirky, Kramer rip-off of a character through our TV set for years. I wonder what Ashton is going to do tonight on 70s Show? What!?! Another string of spazy, sexual innuendos? Hahahaha oh Ashton. Your a comedic genious. Chris Farley would have given up fast food to see your career blossom (He died from being fat right?). The Chiefs adopted the same gameplan when they decided they would just keep smashing Larry Johnson into defenses 40 times a game for years. It didn’t matter that he was only picking up 2 yards per carry. Every week you could count on an overrated and self-inflated LJ to basically fall forward for 80 yards a game. Then when even That 70s Show’s juvenile audience began to get bored with the same act episode after episode, they decided they would turn Fez into a star. Well, Fez quickly became one of the historically, annoying characters in tv comedies and the whole show went under. So, why is it that the Chiefs think Matt Cassel will be a star. He has been a minor part of every team he has been on, but now somehow he is going to carry the team? Sounds like Fez to me.    

Tell me one remotely interesting thing about the Kansas City Chiefs since Joe Montana left there. Priest Holmes? Maybe. LJ? Yea right. Marcus Allen? Keep dreaming. Matt Cassell? Even you aren’t buying that one. That 70’s Show lost its appeal after 2 seasons when you realized Eric and the big girl with red hair weren’t breaking up. Luckily, Fox squeezed like 8 more seasons out of that tragic series. I picked up on Fez’s gimmicky comedy as a high schooler. And yet there he was trying to pull off that made up speech impediment, all those years later. He was the Urkel of the 2000’s with less charm and zero memorable lines.

Cleveland Browns: Scrubs

God! I hate this show. I really wanted to come up with something witty and sarcastic to start my rant, but I couldn’t wait that long. This show is an absolute abomination. Every creative and remotely funny person on earth dies a little inside evertime this show comes on tv. The writers and cast of Scrubs has actually gone on record and claimed that it is thier goal to make people like Seth Rogan and Dane Cook seem funny and creative by comparison. Likewise, the Cleveland Browns has made it their goal to make every other NFL team look like that fantasy team you put together on Madden. Somehow though, just like Scrubs, there are some ape-nuts fans out there that think Brady Quinn and Derek Anderson are studs. Yes, J.D. and Turk, I am comparing you to the worst QB tandum in the league. You are a disgrace to funny.

I used to like Scrubs. I thought they had something good going. Then they pulled a classic sitcom move. I’ll call it “The Chandler”. They neutered all the male characters to the point you find yourself getting worked up over your annoyance at them. First of all, they married off Turk WAAAYYY too early. Classic no-no. Who wants to see the comedy between a man and his wife? No one, that’s who. Leave the family comedies to Lifetime and Tyler Perry please. In season 1 and 2, when Dr. Cox berates J.D. and he whimpers away, it’s hilarious. But when season 6 and 7 roll along and the same thing still happens, you realize this uninspired writing at it’s finest. Cleveland loses their NFL team 15 years ago. They fight like crazy to get the Browns back in Cleveland. Guess what, they’re back, it’s exciting! We have Tim Couch! We have Romeo Crennell! We have 1 playoff appearance since we got the the team back in 1999….Change the channel.

Detroit Lions: Ugly Betty

Ugly Betty – a show about an ugly girl that isn’t funny and not good at anything, but she is very likeable. Are you sure this isn’t a Matt Millan Documentary? Ugly Betty: How One Nice Guy Destroyed a Franchise.

Do you know someone who watches Ugly Betty? Email me his name. I guarantee you made him up. There is no chance that guy exists. If there was no fantasy football, would people watch the Lions? Would their contraction be the worst thing in the world? Hardly. Let’s get the Patriots playing every Thanksgiving and be done with it.

Tampa Bay Buccaneers: Blue Mountain State

Have you ever seen something and you immediately knew it was going to suck? Like when you see a fat guy going into the restroom next to your seat on the airplane. He has that panicked grimace on his face as he rumbles down the aisle towards you, and you know that your in for a miserable 30 minutes. Yep, that’s the exact same feeling I get every time I see a commercial for Blue Mountain State on SpikeTv. How many more awful college frat guy tv shows and movies do we need to reject before they stop making these comedy abortions? We get it already. There is an large number of white males in college that abuse alcohol and will have sex with any seacow they can find. Hoards of young women have severe daddy issues and are easy. Jocks have skated by their entire life and are billy goat stupid. Nerds have no social skills. There, plot line revealed. No one but high school kids find these shows funny. Stop bastardizing comedy. What are you going to do next? Try to get cheap laughs through mocking the handicap? Oh wait. The genre, if we can call it that, should have been retired after Old School. Well, the Bucs are exactly the same. You just know they will be horrendous every year. They won one Super Bowl and should have sold the team to an Arena League immediately after the parade.

When I first saw the ads for Blue Mountain State, I assumed I was seeing the next chapter in the abominable American Pie straight to DVD collection. But no, this was some how even worse (Although it wouldn’t surprise me to see Jim’s moronic dad pop up as some assistant coach. Seriously Eugene Levy, enough already). This train wreck in the making is brought to you by Spike TV so you know it’s amazing. It follows 3 freshman college football players through the blah blah blah blah HILARITY ENSUES! Tampa Bay has always been a joke. Somehow eeked out a Super Bowl victory then instantly went back to being a joke. You could almost say that blah blah blah blah…

St. Louis Rams: Jackass


How great was Jackass when it first came out? Easily the most shocking and hilarious show on tv. They were doing stuff that you would ever dream of doing. I mean, think of the most random and  stupidest idea that could cross your mind and these guys were doing it. Rub peanut butter all over yourself and fight a Panda Bear? Sure, why not? Pee in a cup and sell it as leomande? Yummmy. Run naked through a bee hive while people shoot you with paint balls? Who wouldn’t. These guys were nuts. Well, guess what. Jackass is just stupid now. It lost its appeal and we probably just got used to their gig. St. Louis with Kurt Warner and the Greatest Show on turf were blowing our minds like Jackass. They were throwing the ball 70 times a game, racking up 500 yards of offense, and putting up mind-erupting numbers. Then they got old. They lost some of the pieces. People figured them out. Now all thats left is a trainwreck that no one even cares to rubberneck. Its ok Rams fans, Jackass feels your pain.   

I remember the first time my roommate told me about this show. I was flabbergasted. “They’re doing what??” Turns out, they were doing even crazier stuff than I had imagined. At almost exactly the same time, the Greatest Show on Turf was tearing the league up. It seemed like Dick Vermeil was last seen shedding tears about injured QB Trent Green and before you know it, they were off to a hot start, shattering records. “Their back up QB is who??” But around the time Kurt Warner decided to forget how to hold on to a football, the Jackass crew started showing up in rehab and other reality shows. I think they officially jumped the shark when Bam Marjera got his own show. Seeing too much of this douche made me realize I had seen enough. Once Kurt went to the Giants and Faulk retired, we realized St. Louis was done. Nothing’s changed for either.

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Eldrick “Cheetah” Woods: The Untold Shank

Posted by hilariousandhandsomesportsguys on December 19, 2009

by: Blockparty
The media has beaten the Tiger Woods scandal to death, right? By now newspapers, cable news shows, and bloggers have covered every angle and given us far more information than we ever needed about someone’s sex life, haven’t they?
Nope. Not even close. In fact, the most absurd part of this entire story has been missed by the media — Tiger Woods cheated on his wife with THOSE women?!?! Seriously.
A man worth a billion dollars – the greatest golfer in history – one of the best athletes in the world – a man married to a gorgeous model – a father of two beautiful kids – a guy with his own line of Gatorade, cheated with THOSE women?
I’m sure that the overweight, middle-aged guy that always tells you his high school football stories may find those women “hot.” There is probably even a bunch of desperate, future college dropouts gathered around a keg somewhere that think Tiger is the man. However, most of the women that have told their “Tiger Experience” wouldn’t get a second glance from me or you. Honestly, Mindy Lawton wouldn’t make you cheat on your taxes, much less cheat on Elin Nordegren. Sure, you would expect some drunk, lonely accountant named Eldrick Trot Woods to, maaaaaaybe, make a move on Kalika Moquin, but not Tiger Freaking Woods. Not only will Tiger go down in history for having affairs with more Butterfaces than any athlete in history, but for also hooking up with a staggering number of obvious gold-digger’s.
Tiger Woods should be able to snap his fingers and have any supermodel, movie star, musician, lawyer, or doctor that he wants to engage in his affairs. So, why was Tiger Woods trolling for cocktail waitresses, Hooters girls, strippers, bar managers, tattoo-covered porn “stars” and even prostitutes. I’m absolutely stunned that a bunch of women whose only career options involve wearing little or no clothes would sell their “Tiger Experience” to the highest bidder.
It is simply astonishing that Tiger was having to pick-up the easiest women on earth. Was he in a competition with the guys over at the Delta House? Is this really a screenplay for the next unbearable college frat-house movie? Guys warming the bench in the NBA are treated like rockstars by groupies every night after games. Third-string QBs in the NFL even have skanks throwing themselves at these scrubs, but one of the richest, most well-known athletes in the history of sports has to pay for hookers and hunt for waitresses at the local Hooters? A guy with his own line of Nike gear was hitting on the same women that your sleazy, cousin Vinny “seduces” every weekend in his tight, black, lucky shirt? It’s simply incredible.
How in the world was Dennis Rodman with Carmen Electra, a race car driver with Ashley Judd, some no-name tennis player with Jennifer Esposito, and even hockey players, yes hockey players, with Elisha Cuthbert and Anna Kournikova. My god, even overhyped athletes like Lamar Odom and Reggie Bush hooked up with Kardashian girls. The list goes on and on. It is a proven, scientific fact that professional athletes do not have to be good-looking, funny, intelligent or even likeable to get attractive women. They only need to have money and attractive women will appear, but somehow, the athlete with the most money on earth gets caught with THOSE women. Unbelievable.

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