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Archive for December, 2011

Blind Date Disaster

Posted by hilariousandhandsomesportsguys on December 9, 2011

by: Blockparty
“Why am I here?”

We have all heard the sales pitch. “I have got the perfect person for you. You just have to meet them.” Suddenly, you begin to shift around uncomfortably as you scavenge your mind for a quick excuse. Of course, you end up standing there completely mute as your try to calm the sick feeling stirring up in the depths of your stomach. All you can get out is an unenthusiastic, “ok” before your friend, mom, grandmother, or random person that one of the first three knows, erupts into a detailed description of this mystery person. This is how the nightmare begins. Blind Dates.

 Apparently, Blind Dates are fun for someone because they still exist, but for the people that actually have to suffer through the catastrophic event, it’s like walking onto the American Idol audition set – if you had no clue what American Idol was and you were really just trying to find the bathroom before stumbling into that room. The judges are critical and possibly obnoxious. You couldn’t impress them even if you knew what they liked, and you really don’t want to be there in the first place.

People say I have a "great personality."

The number of things that are wrong with the Blind Date is mind-boggling. First, the whole set-up process has its own code language that you can never decipher until it’s too late. For instance, in real life if someone has a “great personality” that means they are a really nice person and enjoyable to hang out with – easy, right. Not in Blind Date land. “Great personality” could mean “trapped-in-house obese” or “has chewin’ tobacco teeth” or “looks like an Olympic power-lifter.”

"My friends think its hilarious when I do this. Do you think its funny too? Huh? Huh? Huh?"

You might be told that this person is “really funny.” Oh, great, that’s awesome because back in real-life, “really funny” is a top three quality. Ahhhhhh, unfortunately when it comes to Blind Dates, “really funny” usually means “still watches cartoons” or “quotes lines from movies constantly” or “laughs so loud people stare.”

Another favorite of match-makers everywhere is “so sweet.” Well this is perfect because isn’t “so sweet” exactly what everyone dreams of in a mate – romantic, caring, sensitive, attentive. Yep, on the other hand, we usually don’t want “so sweet” to mean “make a hair-doll of you stalker” or “stares at you silently while you eat” or “invites the parents to the blind date.”

 Sadly the list goes on and on. It’s impossible to make a translation guide because the language changes with every match-maker, but you can be certain of one thing – “involved in church” probably means something closer to “guy with megaphone street preaching” and a mere “good looking” never means more than “has all of his body parts.”

I know how you feel spinach. I have seen that look way too many times.

The second thing that makes Blind Dates simply indefensible is the inevitable disappointment. Someone is always going to be disappointed – either you will not like him or he will not like you. Sure, once in a while lightening strikes and two random people who have never even exchanged an email or text message may love each other’s company, but let’s get serious with each other here – movies are movies for a reason.

“She is SO into me.”

You see this guy confidently strut into the room and you immediately know he is a complete schmuck. The picture you saw of him was from 30 pounds ago and apparently there was some great lighting in the room. He talks about himself constantly and you nod robotically as you try to figure out if you can get home in time to watch Grey’s Anatomy. It’s not this guy’s fault that you aren’t attracted to him. You don’t want to hurt his feelings, and no matter how hard he tries, you would go so far as to pay for your own meal to get the heck out of there.

It’s even worse if it gets flipped around and you somehow like your date but they want nothing to do with you. There is nothing more devastating than recognizing the look of disappointment on someone’s face the moment they meet you. Once you have seen that look – the look of a child getting socks on Christmas – you will never want another Blind Date.
Mismatches are rare. What is your matchmaker telling you?

Third, the Blind Date makes you take a hard look in the mirror at yourself because someone wouldn’t have set you up with that person unless they thought you were equivalents. No hideous guy ever gets setup with a model. Fat guys aren’t getting paired up with lifeguards. Ditzy girls don’t go on Blind Dates with Rhodes Scholars. Blind Dates are the one time in life where whoever set you up will be forced to reveal what they really think about you. If your date was dumb as sandpaper and has the Ben & Jerry’s flavors memorized, what is your matchmaker telling you? Maybe your date looked a little like a turtle and showed up in sweatpants. What does that mean about you?

Looks like someone listened to my advice before they setup this happy couple.

Then, possibly the worst part about a Blind Date is the aftermath. There is no way to tell the matchmaker that you didn’t like your date without hurting their feelings. Your date is always going to be your friend’s cousin or your mom’s best friend’s daughter or your best friend’s best friend from high school or your sister’s roommate. How do you break the news to them that “your cousin is ugly” or “your best friend is obnoxious” or “your daughter smells like onions.” This is impossible news to break to someone. If you make the mistake of being honest with them, then get ready for the “what makes you so perfect” lecture. It should be OK to not be attracted to someone without having to feel guilty about it. Blind Dates make this impossible.

So here is how all this can be resolved. If you feel the need to set people up, then you need to be way sneakier about it. Take your duty as a matchmaker seriously and don’t get lazy. First, never let either person know that you are thinking about setting them up. As soon as one person knows, it’s ruined. Someone will get their feelings hurt. Second, you have to get both people around each other in a casual setting a few times before making your move. Both people need a chance to 1) see what each other looks like in real life and 2) see how each other act. Third, and this is the critical step, the matchmaker needs to make a preliminary finding that both people are compatible. If your two people don’t look like they enjoy each other or have that spark, then delete the match from your brain and never mention it to anyone. If you follow these steps, you may be able to successfully setup two people and avoid the Blind Date disaster.

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Posted in Relationships | Tagged: , | 5 Comments »

Characters We Hate: Weight Room Edition Part II

Posted by hilariousandhandsomesportsguys on December 7, 2011

by: Blockparty

It’s truly remarkable how many obnoxious people there are that show up to weight rooms. One list simply couldn’t contain all the irritating people that confidently strut into our gyms every day. Honestly, I think someone is purposefully sending these people out into the world and we are all on a hidden camera show.

No, no, I'll wait for you to finish up. I just need to borrow the weight clips.

The Intimidator:

Few gyms actually have an Intimidator. Consider yourself lucky if you haven’t run into this character. The Intimidator isn’t just big; he looks like a waxed gorilla. Intimidators make your normal gym monsters look like your little niece when she throws on her princess dress for a tea party. All those dumbbells over 100 pounds that no one even touches, yeah, those are for him. These guys walk into the gym wearing a weight lifting belt, and proceed to monopolize so much of the free weights that everyone else is forced to talk to The Inventor just to figure out a way to exercise with no weights. Do they wear weight lifting gloves you ask? Hahahaha. Intimidators lift so much weight that they have to strap it to themselves with leather wrist wraps and coat the bar with, what I assume is either powdered sugar or pure cocaine. While the regular ripped guy at your gym apparently can’t wait to get home to drink his protein shake and carries his bag of protein powder with him, The Intimidator eats an entire rotisserie chicken during his lift and downs it with the gallon milk jug full of water that never leaves his sight. The worst part about The Intimidator is that he is so focused and intense that you’re scared to death to enter a 50 foot radius of him to get any weights. And every time you catch him looking at someone exercising, you can feel the shame and embarrassment radiating off of him that he has to lift in the same building as such weaklings.

Rule of Thumb: Intimidator, please, don’t take this the wrong way. While you may be a giant, steroid infused teddy bear, you scare the bejeezus out of all of us.

Let me help you with your form. You wouldn't want to pull a muscle. I am a licensed masseuse though if anything does go wrong.

Captain Morgan:

Captain Morgan. Every gym unfortunately has to put up with this guy.  Captain Morgan uses the weight room as his own, real-life match.com. Spot an even remotely attractive woman in the gym, and there he will be – one leg propped up on a bench, arms crossed over leg, junk hanging in the breeze, stupid smirk on his face. The girl could be drenched in sweat and sprinting on the treadmill, but Captain Morgan doesn’t get the hint. He will sling one leg up on the side of the treadmill, lean in and work his magic. God forbid a woman ever foolishly makes her way into the stretching area. She might as well have slathered herself in syrup and stumbled into an ant bed. Captain Morgan will make his move.

Rule of Thumb: As awesome as I’m sure you look in your head while propping that leg up and going to work all over the gym, you not. In fact, I’m pretty sure everyone in the gym despises you.

This is my weight room nightmare.

Inspector Gadget:

Some people will do seemingly anything to avoid actually lifting weights. Well, Inspector Gadget is the guy that actually believes you can get magazine-cover ripped in “only 15 minutes a day, 3xs a week!” Inspector Gadget takes extra naps during the day so he can watch infomercials at night. There he will be in the stretching area, day after day, laying on a giant, pink ball and letting the Ab Roller work its magic. Who needs to bench press? Inspector Gadget has the Perfect Pushup. What’s that overwhelming funk you smell? It’s not sweat. It’s the newest fat-burning lotion being marinated into Inspector Gadget by the newest, supersonic, shockwave ab-belt. While the rest of us waste our time brutalizing our bodies day after day with heavy weights, Inspector Gadget is getting huge shaking a giant stick and letting the electronic dumbbell do the work for him.

Rule of Thumb: If you don’t see the chiseled guy in the gym using it, it probably doesn’t work.

Do you need a hug? Is it ok if I use that bar or should I call someone for you?

The Dalai Lama:

The Dalai Lama is truly one of the most baffling characters in the gym.  There you will be working out and two or three sets later, something catches your eye. The Dalai Lama hasn’t moved. Not only has he not moved, he hasn’t opened his eyes. There he sits holding his weights in a complete trance. I’m not one to tell someone how to workout, but meditating before each set doesn’t seem to be helpful. It’s even worse if you are waiting on his holiness to use a machine. As he is summoning upon his ancestor’s spirits to help him crush that 30 pound leg curl, a line of people longer than a woman’s restroom at halftime is forming.

Rule of Thumb: If you think you may need to take a nap during your workout, pop a caffeine pill or slip under the covers.

So many gym rules are being broken here that I don't even know where to begin.

The Wife Beater:

Fortunately, this has nothing to do with domestic violence. Who are we kidding, this guy isn’t married. The wife beater is a little like a terrorist because you never really know when he is going to strike. Everything can be completely fine in the gym, then BAM! The Wife Beater burst into character. He decides it’s time to strip off the over-shirt and admit us all to the gun show. And without fail, The Wife Beater is one of two people: a) the fat guy who is testing the limits of an elastic shirt or b) a super-douche who apparently has convinced himself we are going to strike up a conversation with him about his “sweet pipes.” You will also notice that both the fatty WB and the douchey WB constantly glance at themselves in the mirror without being obvious. They don’t usually flex and pose. They enjoy creepy self-admiration. It’s a never-ending string of quick peeks and double-takes at themselves followed by quickly looking away anytime they feel eyes admiring them. Better not anyone catch you checking yourself out, they might think your way too into yourself.

Rule of Thumb: You aren’t fooling anyone. We all see you checking yourself out. Can’t we just all keep our clothes on and stay on task.

"If I keep this up, I'll be shredded in weeks."

Abs-oholics:

It’s a proven, scientific fact you can’t spot train fat, but don’t try to tell that to an Absoholic. Absoholics are almost always chubby to morbidly obese, and simply convinced that pounding out thousands of crunches is the way to a rippled physique. There they are clanking the weights on the ab machine like an ADHD-stricken, 8 year-old with a drumstick. When the noise dies down, you turn around to see them wildly swinging around from the pull up bar like a spider monkey. They test the weight limits on those giant, Swiss balls for hours on end. Do they ever attempt cardio? No need. They have a decline bench with their name on it.  Why run on a tread mill to burn fat when you can plop down on the ground and do seven thousand crunches that look like shoulder shrugs all while eating a protein bar?

Rule of Thumb:  It’s NOT working. Take a gander in the mirror, it’s NOT working. All those modern-day torture devices you see called cardio machines wouldn’t exists if your fit plan worked.

“He’s in the Zone”:

Nope, not a workout a zone – a TV zone. There is always that guy that steps into the gym and instantly gravitates to within six inches of the TV screen. “He’s in the Zone” hasn’t even put his bag down and he is locked onto whatever is on TV. If you’re lucky, your “He’s in the Zone” is the fat guy just standing on a motionless treadmill until his show ends. At which time, he wipes his, inexplicably, sweaty brow and heads home. However, the most severe examples of “He’s in the Zone” stand directly in front of the dumbbell rack and force you to get uncomfortably close to his manhood just to grab a weight. I have attempted lifting dumbbells that far exceed my ability just trying to avoid such an uncomfortable situation. God forbid he snaps out of his tv coma at the exact moment I am grabbing the weight he is resting his package on. Those few seconds of us awkwardly locking eyes would put me in therapy for years.

Rule of Thumb: If you must come to the gym to watch TV, please stand in a corner out of the way. That girl on the leg extension machine that you just stood directly in front of, at an uncomfortably close distance, for the last 1o minutes may file a restraining order.

Road Runner:

I think we all appreciate the benefits of circuit training and HIIT, but is it really necessary to sprint from machine to machine, station to station while other people are trying to workout? Is there anything more nerve-wracking then some scrawny, 50 year-old man wearing yellow short-shorts, a headband and jogging in place while he waits on you to finish a set? Road Runner is so schizophrenic with his routine that you never know where he is going to shoot off to next. It makes it impossible to avoid the guy. Even if you do manage to get to an exercise that didn’t make it on his hit list of exercises, you still have a full grown man darting around the gym like a kid all jacked up on Mountain Dew.

Rule of Thumb: If you must circuit train when large numbers of people are in the gym, try avoiding the whole crack addict in a moonwalk routine.

"Just . . . one . . . more . . . rep!"

The Grunter:

I haven’t figured out if someone told The Grunter that making loud, echoing, constipated noises during a rep is like hitting the power up button in a video game, or if there is some study that suggests projecting the noise “Uuuggggghhh” in times of stress will release a burst of testosterone-induced super strength. I do however know for a fact that bursting into a warthog mating call makes everyone very uncomfortable.

Rule of Thumb: If you are lifting so much weight that a strong possibility of you dropping a deuce on the gym floor develops, you need to pull the reigns back on the weight a bit. Which leads us perfectly into  . . .

Can you smell what The Rock is cooking?

Chemical Ali:

There is really nothing worse than an act of terrorism, especially in a weight room. However, Chemical Ali makes it his daily goal to clear out the weight room with gas attacks. I’m not sure if it’s all the inevitable grunting and straining of weight lifting, or if Chemical Ali is deliberately executing these chemical attacks, but it is difficult to stay focused and lift while surrounded by the thick haze of butt spray. And it’s hard to pinpoint the true terrorists now-a-days. Sure, it would be easy to discriminate and racially profile all the fat guys sucking down Taco Bell on their way to the gym. Unfortunately, we live in complicated times. With all the vegetarian diets, high in fiber, or the protein-exclusive fads running rampant in gyms, it could easily be the skinny guy on the treadmill or the chiseled guy pounding out pull-ups that just frapped all over himself. Most of the time it’s just too difficult to trace the leak back to its source, but one thing is for certain, there are no winners in weight room gas attacks. We are all victims.

Rule of Thumb: If you even have a little rumbling warning you that a shart is possible during your set, get up immediately, calmly make your way to the restroom and diffuse the situation before you put the rest of us in harm’s way.

Posted in Characters We Hate | Tagged: , | 4 Comments »

Characters We Hate: Weight Room Edition Part I

Posted by hilariousandhandsomesportsguys on December 4, 2011

by: Blockparty

Everywhere you go, there always seems to be clueless people doing their best to irritate the rest of us. Anyone who has stepped into a weight room for any amount of time has experienced these all-to-common characters. If you haven’t, then you are probably one of them.

Did you learn that on the mean streets?

The Champ:

Who doesn’t love that guy standing in front of the dumbbell rack shadowboxing? Nothing is quite as intimidating as a scrawny guy/fat guy/douche bag throwing combos at an invisible enemy. In fact, if you’re lucky enough to have one of those punching dummies or a punching bag in your gym, then you have seen the Champ at his finest. He undoubtedly throws a weak elbow or an awkward kick at the bag every time he walks past it. Watch out UFC, The Champ is training.

Rule of Thumb: Unless you workout at an actual MMA academy or have Kimbo Slice-esqu videos of yourself mauling people on YouTube, just lift weights or mix in a treadmill.

Really!?! You couldn't find another route through the gym to go get that?"

The Wanderer:

There you are channeling all of your focus and energy into not collapsing during your squat, or concentrating on using perfect form during a military press to avoid your shoulder erupting from its socket, when The Wanderer makes his way right in front of you and your view of the mirror. Few things can ruin a lift like some joker strolling around the gym, making sure to pass directly in front of the mirror. Sure there is plenty of space to walk around the people that are actually lifting weights. However, The Wanderer will never take a path that does not give him the best view of himself in the mirror as he goes to get another swig of his Route 66 Sonic drink.

Rule of Thumb: If you have an emergency and need to leave your lifting area for any reason, go behind everyone. Hop on the treadmill with your “Big Gulp” if you really want to walk around that much.

"Take a look at what I'm wearing, people. You think anybody wants a roundhouse kick to the face while I'm wearing these bad boys? Forget about it. You think anybody thinks I'm a failure because I go home to Starla at night? Forget about it!"

Arnold Look-a-like – 80’s Style:

You know the guy – late 40s or beyond, past his prime, but still living the dream – and rocking the same gear. He either sports the colorful M.C. Hammer pants with elastic waistband or squeezes into some skin-tight Pony baseball coach shorts. This will always be accompanied by the old-school cut off shirt that resembles a baggy, women’s halter top. Of course, the white socks pulled up to his mid-calf tops of this classic workout outfit. All he needs is a little face paint and arm streamers to pass for the Ultimate Warrior.

Rule of Thumb: Unless you can out lift everyone in the gym, please save that costume for Halloween.

Sir Mix-a-Lot:

We all love listening to some vein-bulging tracks when we are in the gym, but most of us prefer listening to the guy that made the cd. Sir Mix-a-Lot shuts out the rest of the world during his lifts and turns his workout into a Sing-a-long. Song after song, he belts out those beat, and if you’re lucky, he will throw in some sweat air-drum solos. Between his iPod and that N.O. Xplode he guzzled before his lift, Sir Mix-a-Lot puts on a concert we all wish we could forget.

Rule of Thumb: As much as we all appreciate good workout music, maybe save all those moves for Guitar Hero with your boys.

The Inventor:

The love-child of Thomas Edison and Richard Simmons, this guy can turn any piece of equipment into a circus act. Jumping jacks while holding the cable crosses, rowing the bench press machine, bicep curling the leg curl machine, these are all possibilities with this guy. Call the ambulance anytime this guy picks up free weights. If he doesn’t destroy something on himself, he may awkwardly ram some unsuspecting girl in the face with a curl bar.

Rule of Thumb: If you don’t know what exercise to do, ask. It’s better to sound dumb than look dumb.

The Douche:

The Douche is almost always the stereotypical dumb jock. Douche-McGee will make sure he attempts his max at the end of every exercise and then proceed to leave 400 pounds on the bar for the next guy to rack. You will see this clown walking from station to station in the gym leaving ungodly, heavy dumbbells and bars filled with 45s everywhere. Unfortunately, there is little we can do to this guy since we are the ones cleaning off all those 45s so we can lift with just the bar.

Rule of Thumb: Watch out Douche, one day you will fail to rack your weight around The Champ.

*Face Palm*

Male Groupies:

Male groupies are closely related to The Douche because they idolize him. The Douche never hits the weights without his posse of high school or frat boys to stroke his ego. Male Groupies have rarely been seen actually lifting weights. Their main job is to give The Douche ridiculous spots and loudly proclaim how much The Douche just lifted over and over again.

Rule of Thumb: If your workout consists of high-fiving people, wiping sweat off of other dudes, getting more weight for someone, and updating your Facebook status about how much The Douche just lifted, you need to get a life.

“Risk” Taker:

Remember that game Risk and how you tried to conquer as many countries as possible before you got annihilated by someone. Yeah, well the “Risk” Taker goes around the gym taking up as many stations as possible before someone snaps and knocks him out. The “Risk” Taker scatters his phone, water bottle, towels, shirts, and gloves all over the gym. You will find him getting a leisurely drink at the water fountain when all of a sudden he yells, “Hey bro, I’m on that!” Of course, he is also on the Preacher curls, bench press, Smith Machine and cable cross also.

Rule of Thumb: Don’t treat the gym like your living room and if you don’t want to lose a station, don’t get up!

Nope. Still not big. That mirror isnt magic.

Flex:

Flex spends more time working on poses in the mirror then he does actually lifting. It’s one thing to check yourself out in the mirror during your exercise, but it is an entirely different one when you start working your show routine in the middle of the weight room. It’s simply an abuse of mirror privileges. I guarantee you; no one in the room is impressed with your abs. Do you hear all those guys in the corner gossiping about how you got that sweet six-pack and bulging biceps? No, you don’t, and you never will because we really just want you to stop making everyone uncomfortable.

Rule of Thumb: If you don’t lube yourself up and trot out in a Speedo on competition day, then you have not reached the point where anyone appreciates you flexing in our mirror.

"I got some Speed Stick in the car. Maybe you could mix that into your routine?"

Sham-Wow:

For whatever reason, there are human sasquatches roaming the earth, and god have mercy on your soul if they workout at your gym. Sham-Wow sweats like he is being interrogated and no matter how much of that juice he rubs on the equipment, his body keeps on squirting out more. Luckily, Sham-Wow, much like his namesake, retains an extraordinary amount of sweat and stink. So, he will make you feel like you just got hit in the nose with a basketball every time he walks by you. If you’re lucky, he will start his workout with some cardio just to get the faucets loosened up.

Rule of Thumb: Please. We beg of you. Wipe off the equipment when you’re finished, and invest in some Extra Strength Mitchum.

The Unwanted Partner:

This is inevitable, especially if you must lift during busy hours, but you will hear those six words we all dread, “Hey bro, can I work in?” Of course, this isn’t actually a question. You have to let the guy workout with you or risk looking like a jerk. For the next hour, you are then stuck with some random dude spotting you with his junk over your head. No doubt he will begin asking you personal questions and offering unsolicited life advice. There’s nothing you can do to avoid this except working out early in the morning or late at night.

Rule of Thumb: Really? You had to do this exercise at this exact moment. Unwanted Partner, go do another exercise until you see me finish. There are hundreds of exercises and plenty of muscles for you to work while I am using this bench.

"Hey bro, you should really use a wider grip on those pullups and try mixing in more beef at breakfast."

Coach Theo:

There is a Coach Theo in every gym. This is the guy that knows everything about everything. You need a new exercise? He is the guy to talk to. You don’t need a new exercise? Don’t worry, he will come to you. Coach Theo will always make sure everyone in the gym is using perfect form. Wandering from station to station pretending to spot you as he explains what you are doing wrong. Working Chest and Triceps on the same day? Hahaha, not with Coach Theo around, he will make sure you lift all the proper muscle groups on the same day. Coach Theo almost always has suckered some girl into listening to his bull. There he is explaining to her proper running form on the treadmill, drafting a low-carb diet for her, and making sure she “loads up” the bar on squat.

Rule of Thumb: Just avoid anyone wearing a whistle in the gym.

Cursing at the top of your lungs is what truly seperates the men from the scrawny pansies

Mr. Testosterone:

Hope you brought your iPod to the gym, because Mr. Testosterone will ruin your day. This guy spontaneously erupts into dumb jock mode right before every lift. With every slap of the head and yell of “Whoooa” or “Yeah, Yeah let’s do this,” Mr. Testosterone gets a little stronger. Get ready because he will definitely drop F-bombs galore when he can’t finish a rep, and of course, if he can finish a rep, he will drop celebration F-bombs.

Rule of Thumb: Pull the needle out of your rear-end buddy, your making us uncomfortable.

"Don't worry bro, WE got this."

Battle Buddies:

In the military, your battle buddy is the guy that you never let out of your sight. You would give your life for him. In the weight room, Battle Buddies are the two guys that tag team every exercise. Most of us have spotters. Battle Buddies take spotting to the extreme. Sure there might be 300 pounds on that bar, but a good Battle Buddy never makes his buddy lift it alone. In fact, a buddy may only be able to bench 150 pounds with a spotter, but with the help of a Battle Buddy, that 150 pounds turns into 300 pounds tossed up three times, and that Battle Buddy makes sure his buddy knows that he “crushed it.” The best part about a Battle Buddy is that he gives you credit for all 300 pounds because he knows his buddy is about to return the favor.

Rule of Thumb: As much as we all love watching you two guys over there tag teaming a curl bar, I really don’t want you to mess all over the floor on squat day if your Battle Buddy can’t be there.

How much you wanna bet I can throw a football over them mountains?... Yeah... Coach woulda put me in fourth quarter, we would've been state champions. No doubt. No doubt in my mind.

Uncle Rico:

Remember Uncle Rico from Napoleon Dynamite? The past-his-prime, ex-high school football star that just can’t come to grips with the fact that he didn’t “make it big.” Uncle Rico rarely if ever picks up a weight. He just walks around waiting on someone to mention an exercise, or even just a number, so he can remind you of how much he used to lift. You just benched 185 pounds. That’s nothing. Back in high school Uncle Rico could bench 300 pounds, 10 times, after running stands for 3 hours. Don’t even try to avoid him by just not saying numbers or the names of exercises either. Uncle Rico has no problem telling you how much he used to squat as you are trying to not drop a deuce in your pants while squatting. And never forget how good Uncle Rico was out on the gridiron. He will be sure to relive his entire catalogue of highlight reel plays while you workout.

Rule of Thumb: Unless you have video evidence of your “never since been done” high school feats, please shut up and lift. On a side note, I’m sorry you reached your peek in high school and have nothing to look forward to in life.

Just because you own a pocket knife doesnt mean cutting the sleeves of your shirt is a good idea.

Rowdy Redneck:

If you live up North, then you are lucky to avoid this guy. Down in Hickville, USA, at least one person in every gym is apparently required to lift weights in skin tight blue jeans, cowboy boots or work boots, a “No Fear” t-shirt and a “Git-r-dun” hat with a fish hook on it. You spend half your workout hoping he doesn’t spit his chewin’ tobaccy out during a rep or that his Stranglers don’t cut of his leg circulation. The other half of your workout is trying to ignore his rants about killin’ deer, catchin’ the big one, and bringin’ down the gov’ment.

Rule of Thumb: I know that’s Budweiser in your water bottle. Why do you even lift?

Shot-putter:

You will be completely focused and cruising through a set when all of a sudden, “CLANG, CLACK, CRASH.” You have to stop immediately because apparently someone, somewhere is trapped under a bar with 425 pounds loaded up on it. To your surprise it’s some kid benching the bar and a 25 on each side who just slung the bar back up on the rack. Even better is the guy doing tricep pull-downs and just releases all the weight at the end of his last rep. And who can forget every attention seeking schmuck who has ever attempted a dumbbell exercise? If you didn’t know, it is apparently a rule that you must toss your dumbbells to the ground at the end of each set. Whoever makes the most noise gets a prize.

Rule of Thumb: If you can’t put the weight back down without making us think you just knocked over a China Cabinet, try a lighter weight.

I bet you almost outrun the treadmill when you get caught up in all the excitment of Harry Potter battling Voldemort

The Outfit:

I can’t really think of another way to describe this guy other than The Outfit. The Outfit comes in many shapes and sizes and has a wide variety of “workout gear.” He has recently been spotted lifting weights in dress pants, polo shirts, flip-flops, loafers, Crocs, sandals, blue jean shorts, various vests, long sleeve dress shirts, and even khaki shorts. I’m not sure if this guy just got off of work and forgot his workout clothes, or if this dude just got an urge in the middle of his World of Warcraft game to try out this thing called exercise. Whatever the explanation is, it’s not good enough.

Rule of Thumb: This is easy. Athletic shorts, t-shirt and athletic shoes. I’m really confused how this even gets messed up.

The Librarian:

There he is on the treadmill. Incline – 0. Speed – 2. TV – On. Book – In Hand. If you can read and comprehend a novel while doing cardio, are you really doing cardio? I must confess, one time I tried riding the exercise bike and reading Muscle and Fitness. Within 5 minutes, the magazine was covered in my sweat and I was reading the same page over and over again. I think the moral of the story is that cardio-time is no time to multi-task.

Rule of Thumb: If you can read and do cardio at the same time, I guarantee you are not in your “Fit Zone.”

Invisible Lats:

Either this guy’s lats are invisible or he thinks simply holding your arms out wide and walking like you just rode a horse into town makes you big. I know mommy always told you to walk with your chin up high and your chest out proud, but Invisible Lat guy takes this to an extreme. If you need Exhibit A, go to YouTube and check out that dingle berry Levi Johnston in his Pistachio nut commercial. Embarrassing.

Rule of Thumb: Unless you are a professional bodybuilder or a stingray, it’s very doubtful that you have a V-shape that forces your arms to never make contact with your sides.

Asshat (noun): Someone whose head is so far up their ass that they wear it as a hat.

The Asshats:

The Asshats are a group of guys that will display any and all of the previously mentioned behaviors. They are closely related to the Male Groupies, but The Asshats actually workout. These guys mostly fall into the 16-34 year old demographic. They always travel in packs and resemble what is known to junior high girls as cliques. The Asshats always congregate in one area doing exactly the same exercise. Need a bench. Good luck. The Asshats have the market cornered. Need those 25s. Sorry, The Asshats will be using those for the next half-hour. However, one cannot truly join the league of Asshats until he has learned to talk as loud as possible, laugh at stupid jokes, grunt during reps like a constipated donkey, congratulate each other like they just won gold medals, wander aimlessly around the gym (always in front of the mirror), and talk about any female in the gym at an uncomfortable volume.

Rule of Thumb: I really wish The Champ actually knew what he was doing so I could pay him to get rid of these guys.

Posted in Characters We Hate | Tagged: , | 8 Comments »