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Archive for the ‘Relationships’ Category

Blind Date Disaster

Posted by hilariousandhandsomesportsguys on December 9, 2011

by: Blockparty
“Why am I here?”

We have all heard the sales pitch. “I have got the perfect person for you. You just have to meet them.” Suddenly, you begin to shift around uncomfortably as you scavenge your mind for a quick excuse. Of course, you end up standing there completely mute as your try to calm the sick feeling stirring up in the depths of your stomach. All you can get out is an unenthusiastic, “ok” before your friend, mom, grandmother, or random person that one of the first three knows, erupts into a detailed description of this mystery person. This is how the nightmare begins. Blind Dates.

 Apparently, Blind Dates are fun for someone because they still exist, but for the people that actually have to suffer through the catastrophic event, it’s like walking onto the American Idol audition set – if you had no clue what American Idol was and you were really just trying to find the bathroom before stumbling into that room. The judges are critical and possibly obnoxious. You couldn’t impress them even if you knew what they liked, and you really don’t want to be there in the first place.

People say I have a "great personality."

The number of things that are wrong with the Blind Date is mind-boggling. First, the whole set-up process has its own code language that you can never decipher until it’s too late. For instance, in real life if someone has a “great personality” that means they are a really nice person and enjoyable to hang out with – easy, right. Not in Blind Date land. “Great personality” could mean “trapped-in-house obese” or “has chewin’ tobacco teeth” or “looks like an Olympic power-lifter.”

"My friends think its hilarious when I do this. Do you think its funny too? Huh? Huh? Huh?"

You might be told that this person is “really funny.” Oh, great, that’s awesome because back in real-life, “really funny” is a top three quality. Ahhhhhh, unfortunately when it comes to Blind Dates, “really funny” usually means “still watches cartoons” or “quotes lines from movies constantly” or “laughs so loud people stare.”

Another favorite of match-makers everywhere is “so sweet.” Well this is perfect because isn’t “so sweet” exactly what everyone dreams of in a mate – romantic, caring, sensitive, attentive. Yep, on the other hand, we usually don’t want “so sweet” to mean “make a hair-doll of you stalker” or “stares at you silently while you eat” or “invites the parents to the blind date.”

 Sadly the list goes on and on. It’s impossible to make a translation guide because the language changes with every match-maker, but you can be certain of one thing – “involved in church” probably means something closer to “guy with megaphone street preaching” and a mere “good looking” never means more than “has all of his body parts.”

I know how you feel spinach. I have seen that look way too many times.

The second thing that makes Blind Dates simply indefensible is the inevitable disappointment. Someone is always going to be disappointed – either you will not like him or he will not like you. Sure, once in a while lightening strikes and two random people who have never even exchanged an email or text message may love each other’s company, but let’s get serious with each other here – movies are movies for a reason.

“She is SO into me.”

You see this guy confidently strut into the room and you immediately know he is a complete schmuck. The picture you saw of him was from 30 pounds ago and apparently there was some great lighting in the room. He talks about himself constantly and you nod robotically as you try to figure out if you can get home in time to watch Grey’s Anatomy. It’s not this guy’s fault that you aren’t attracted to him. You don’t want to hurt his feelings, and no matter how hard he tries, you would go so far as to pay for your own meal to get the heck out of there.

It’s even worse if it gets flipped around and you somehow like your date but they want nothing to do with you. There is nothing more devastating than recognizing the look of disappointment on someone’s face the moment they meet you. Once you have seen that look – the look of a child getting socks on Christmas – you will never want another Blind Date.
Mismatches are rare. What is your matchmaker telling you?

Third, the Blind Date makes you take a hard look in the mirror at yourself because someone wouldn’t have set you up with that person unless they thought you were equivalents. No hideous guy ever gets setup with a model. Fat guys aren’t getting paired up with lifeguards. Ditzy girls don’t go on Blind Dates with Rhodes Scholars. Blind Dates are the one time in life where whoever set you up will be forced to reveal what they really think about you. If your date was dumb as sandpaper and has the Ben & Jerry’s flavors memorized, what is your matchmaker telling you? Maybe your date looked a little like a turtle and showed up in sweatpants. What does that mean about you?

Looks like someone listened to my advice before they setup this happy couple.

Then, possibly the worst part about a Blind Date is the aftermath. There is no way to tell the matchmaker that you didn’t like your date without hurting their feelings. Your date is always going to be your friend’s cousin or your mom’s best friend’s daughter or your best friend’s best friend from high school or your sister’s roommate. How do you break the news to them that “your cousin is ugly” or “your best friend is obnoxious” or “your daughter smells like onions.” This is impossible news to break to someone. If you make the mistake of being honest with them, then get ready for the “what makes you so perfect” lecture. It should be OK to not be attracted to someone without having to feel guilty about it. Blind Dates make this impossible.

So here is how all this can be resolved. If you feel the need to set people up, then you need to be way sneakier about it. Take your duty as a matchmaker seriously and don’t get lazy. First, never let either person know that you are thinking about setting them up. As soon as one person knows, it’s ruined. Someone will get their feelings hurt. Second, you have to get both people around each other in a casual setting a few times before making your move. Both people need a chance to 1) see what each other looks like in real life and 2) see how each other act. Third, and this is the critical step, the matchmaker needs to make a preliminary finding that both people are compatible. If your two people don’t look like they enjoy each other or have that spark, then delete the match from your brain and never mention it to anyone. If you follow these steps, you may be able to successfully setup two people and avoid the Blind Date disaster.

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Posted in Relationships | Tagged: , | 5 Comments »

Wet Paint and Women

Posted by hilariousandhandsomesportsguys on December 23, 2009

By: Blockparty
 

It is sometimes helpful for men to think about the complexities that makeup the essence of woman through the use of simple metaphors and analogies. This allows the finite minds of man to somewhat comprehend the never ending enigma that is female’s actions.

Females are like wet-paint. It is a proven fact that a guy can not walk past wet-paint without being irresistibly attracted to it. It doesn’t matter if the wet paint is on a wall, chair, or the top of an 80 foot water tower, a man’s primal desires force him to go see if that paint is really wet or not.

Likewise women send out all of these signals that say “get away”, “not interested”, “I’ll call the cops”, or “I’m dating Jesus.” For some reason a guy has got to find out if the warning signs are real. Or even worse sometimes the sign says, “dry paint”, “I’m interested”, “You’ll never know if you don’t ask” and BLAMB! Next thing you know, the guy is all covered in wet paint and embarrassed because he got shot down slash covered in wet-paint.

The key is to wait until the wet paint drys. Maybe stand real close to the paint and blow on it (aka send out the vibes) to speed up the drying process. Men foolishly run full blast into the wet-paint and then its all down hill, but as we all know the paint will eventually dry up. Undoubtedly, a female can be worn down to the point that she will like a guy that is ugly, dumb, fill in the blank as you see fit.

Just look around at the stupid looking guys with some amazing girlfriends. That didn’t happen because he rolled around in the wet paint and made a mess. He straight up plugged in a hair dryer and worked that wet paint. See now instead of getting all frustrated because you keep getting paint on your clothes everyday, just slow down the process and let the paint dry. Whether you are tearing down all of the warning signs on your way to getting embarrassed, or simply getting ambushed with wet-paint by the evils of female signs of deception and utter confusion, do not give up. Just have a little patience and let the drying process take its course.

Posted in Relationships | Tagged: , | 5 Comments »

The Attraction Equation

Posted by hilariousandhandsomesportsguys on December 23, 2009

By: Blockparty

We have all seen it. There you are, minding your own business, walking down the sidewalk, through the mall or around the track. Then suddenly everything seems to snap into slow motion. Your senses sharpen. You can hear blades of grass scratch together in the breeze. You can see the rays of sunshine make their way toward the earth. The smell of a hummingbirds’ breath floods your nostrils. In that moment your focus turns to the couple walking your way in the distance. From a great distance nothing looks out of the ordinary. However, as the couple gets closer the problem becomes abundantly clear – there is no way on God’s green earth that this guy should be with that woman. Your brain immediately tries to solve the problem. She must be blind and possibly deaf. Maybe he is filthy rich. He must play the acoustic guitar – in public places. A genie granted him a wish. Maybe they are just brother-sister and for some very strange reason they enjoy holding hands in public while gazing into each others eyes. In those few seconds between seeing the mismatched couple for the first time and passing by them in confusion, your head has been tossed into a Dairy Queen Blizzard-like brain freeze. After desperately searching for answers, you just know that this is one of life’s mysteries that can never be solved, like Bigfoot, ghosts and women’s emotions.

Fortunately, this natural phenomenon occurs so often that there is a way to make some sense out of the madness. First of all, it’s clear that women date down. Sure there are always exceptions, but 99.9999% of the time when you see a mismatched couple it is some redneck with dip in lip and beer in hand or a nerdy suspender-sporter walking hand in hand with the a woman that he should have never even been allowed to stand in the same room with. Rarely will some GQ model be seen with a homely, Little House on the Prairie type.

It is truly impossible to put a finger on why women date down, but it is quickly becoming a law of nature. Maybe women need a project – a man that they can nurture and fix. Maybe women need to control the relationship and choosing guys a few notches below them on the totem pole ensures this. Maybe guys are just so smooth they can pull of this miraculous feat (This is definitely not the correct answer). One way or another the general rule is that women date guys lower on the attractiveness scale then themselves. The next question is how far down the attractiveness scale do women go?

The answer is 2. Women will date men that are a maximum of 2 slots below them on the Attractiveness Scale. This means a guy can at his very best hook up with a girl that is 2 points more attractive than him. For example, a guy that is a 6 on the attractiveness scale can date a woman that is a 6, 7, or even an 8, but he can’t get any higher than that – 9s and 10s are unreachable. So what is this Attractiveness Scale and how do you figure out the Attractiveness Score?

Well, that is the easy part. The Attractiveness Scale goes from 1 to 10. 1 being Urkle, Screech, or any other classic tv nerd and 10 being insert your favorite heart throb here. But you may notice this is not called the Hotness Scale. Oh no, this is a far more advanced creation. The Attractiveness Score takes into account all relevant information: Looks, Personality, Bad Habits, Job, Intelligence, Skills of all types, etc . . . . So, you could be incredibly hot but a complete idiot with no real job aka and your Attractiveness Score will plummet. On the other hand, there is hope for those who were not blessed by God with even remotely decent looks because lots of money, a few good jokes and a nice car can catapult you into a woman’s heart that is far more amazing then yourself.

Now the light bulb has gone off in your mind. This once unsolvable mystery is slightly more manageable, and you know that this theory is true. There is still no answer for why women choose guys this way, but this is clearly what is going down. So look at your boyfriend or even better your ex-boyfriends. If he was 4 then that means you are a 6 at best. If he was a 2 then it is time to get to work and make some life improvements. Like the great Saturday Morning Cartoon Commercials once said, “Knowledge is Power.” Now that you have the formula, it is so much easier to play the game. If you are a guy-5 then there is no reason to waste your time trying to impress a girl-9 because a 7 is your max. It’s just never going to happen, unless you hit the gym, take a shower, stop shopping at Goodwill, and learn how to carry on a conversation that isn’t about beer, hunting or your glory days of high school football. For ladies, this formula could be a slap in the face by reality. If you have been with some real losers then you have to look in the mirror and figure out where it all went wrong. A woman-8 shouldn’t be wasting her time with the 4s and 5s of the world. It’s just unnatural. So, tally it up, discover your score and let the self-improvement begin.

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A Wedding Mystery

Posted by hilariousandhandsomesportsguys on December 23, 2009

By: Blockparty
 

Why? Why would anyone come up with such a ridiculous custom for weddings? The Garter Throw – Who on earth was the first person think, “Yeah let me strip off a piece of my new brides most intimate pieces of ‘apparel’ and toss it into a wild group of single horn dogs so they can fight over it – this is brilliant, why am I the first to think of this?” Who seriously considered that this was a great idea that should become the big moment at the end of every wedding reception across the country?

Even more surprising is that women everywhere go for this. I’m sure it would be frowned upon if some guy snapped his bride’s bra into the desperate mob. Yet, somehow it is ok to slip this frilly piece of nothing out from underneath your new wife’s dress and give it a toss into a crowd of the last people on earth that any man should want to give his brides undergarments to – single guys. Why not throw out a gift certificate to one of those online dating sites? How about create a little book with the phone number and picture of every single woman at the wedding then chunk that thing into the crowd? Why not just throw all of the things that the groom will no longer be needing now that he is married? Video games; sporting equipment; all of his “furniture” aka a futon and lawn chairs; his wardrobe of favorite hideous shirts that somehow “looks good” on him alone; his collection of empty energy drink cans and plastic bowls; posters of wrestlers, athletes, swimsuit models and movies; the George Forman Grill; Ramen noodle packages; and the list goes on and on.

To make the whole scenario even more confusing is the fact that the bride tosses her bouquet of flowers into a crowd of single ladies. That’s right – flowers. She didn’t wad up a pair of her groom’s holey, stained covered, whitey tighties and send that gem of a gift into the crowd of expecting ladies. No, the women have this classy, very wedding-like ritual of tossing a gorgeous bouquet to make the group of depressed single girls feel better about not getting married. Then moments later – the lingerie toss. Simply embarrassing.

Then I wonder – Who even wants this garter? Seriously, that thing would have to be like a dating genie in the bottle for me to even think about catching it. This thing has been strapped to a woman’s leg for hours and has soaked up who knows how much wedding day sweat. That nasty thing would have to grant me at least two relationship wishes before I even considered grabbing a hold of it.

What do you do with it after you catch it? Have you ever walked into some guy’s room and low and behold – a garter hanging on the wall? If yes, that guy is a pervert. Of course you can’t do any of the several options which any sensible person should do after unfortunately catching that scandalous piece of cloth. 1) Bringing it back to the poor bride that has just been disrobed in public and apologize for touching it; 2) Go beg the groom and the bride’s father for forgiveness for groping this woman’s untouchables on an otherwise glorious day; 3) Hide from the groom who must have set up this disgusting charade in order to fight whoever would openly compete for his new wife’s underwear; 4) Make a beeline for the nearest restroom and scrub your hands, trying out every soap dispenser in the room.

So there you are stuck with this embarrassing article in your hands. You can never look at the bride or groom the same ever again, and I’m sure they laugh about you behind your back. The only real option is to sever all ties with both friends and family and hope to never encounter this experience again.

To cap it all off, I’m pretty sure the garter doesn’t even have the mystical powers that people have claimed. If garters could get guys a date, much less find him a woman that wants to marry him, then every store on earth would carry this magic bean. They would be stocked right next to the bubble gum and tic-tacs at the gas station. There would be Garter Supercenters in every city where you could pick different types of garters which would bring you the specific type of girl that you want to marry. Garter sales on eBay would be through the roof. A garter that actually worked would bring a fortune in an online auction. I just haven’t heard any testimonials from satisfied garter catchers to make me believe that such a strange and embarrassing custom actually works. The whole situation just sticks out like a disgusting zit on an otherwise immaculate event. I just don’t understand how and why this happens.

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Terror Threat: Women

Posted by hilariousandhandsomesportsguys on December 23, 2009

By: Blockparty
 

I took a quick survey of the biggest worry that was keeping my dearest friends up at night and the overwhelming response was – how does Matt juggle all of the rigors of life and deal with the waves of ladies that vie for his time.

Well, that is a ligitamate concern and yall deserve to know that I have come up with a brilliant solution. The analogy that popped into my mind goes like this. Basically women are in a sense like terrorists and men are like cities. Women arent evil, angry, vicious, crazy Fanatics…at least not in my mind, but they are very sneaky, plottingly, and downright cunning when it comes to men slash cities.

Men are like cities in the sense that some cities never have to worry about getting the attention of terrorists, while some of them are on a constant red alert. Most men are like Orange, Texas or any city in Nebraska while God made a few select men big time cities. By random chance I happen to fall into the later category. While I am not a New York City, like say a Brad Pitt or Tom Brady, I am sure that most women would instantly think of me as a Washington D.C.

Big cities have to always be on guard and come up with some creative measures to protect themselves from the advances of these terrorists. In the same way, I had to come up with a way to shield myself from all of the women that compete for my time.

I once heard from a wise man – beard equals girl shield. Since we all know that I could not grow a beard if the most brilliant minds of Rogain and Miracle Grow joined forces, I had to come up with something else. Instead, I can just allow my hair to grow out for a long long time. It is basically the same principle. I have long, comic book convention guy, looking hair and all attention that I normally would receive from girls will instantly be deflected to other targets. I know this is true. I have watched this phenomena before while my brother let his hair grow rampant. There you have it, you may all return to your sweet nights of sleep  now that your fears have been put to rest.

(I know that I have effectively offended roughly half of the worlds population by comparing them to terrorists, and probably another forty percent or so would hate me if they ever relized that they dont fall into the big city category. BUT my only hope is that I brought a smile to someones face because we all know that, in reality, I can’t get girls to talk to me much less swarm me with attention, and even if one girl gave me a double-take, I would trip all over myself.)

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