So, Josh, Jeshua, Ryan, and I head out to Church on the Move. Church on the Move being its typical awesome self not only provided everyone with sweet praise and worship but they concluded service with some delicious Chick-Fil-A sandwiches for everyone and competitive entertainment for the whole family. As fate would have it God scheduled Dodgeball to be played on that night.
The first twenty to thirty people to sign up got to play for the grand prize – a fifty dollar gift certificate to some incredibly fancy restaurant in town. Jeshua and Ryan immediatly decide to engage in this event. Josh played it safe not wanting to injury himself for the like tenth time that semester doing something retarded and I am basically restricted from playing Dodgeball with average folks because of my extensive Day Camp training (its kind of like the Olympics not letting professional boxers in with the amatures) not only that but everybody knows you have to have a girl to go with you to a fancy restaurant and well no need to hash over that problem area. So Josh and I retreat to our front row seats outside the plexi-glass walls to watch the massacre transpire.
And like a scene out of Gladiator the competitors begin to enter the enclosed basketball court. Easily two hundred people had gathered if not more around to watch this event. People packed around the upper deck looking down and layers of people formed on the ground level trying to see things happen. It seemed like slow motion as each person walked in and I could immediatly discern the pretenders from the contenders. A few teenage girls stepped in the arena that didnt have a whales shot in the desert at getting out of there without getting embarrassed much less winning. A couple “elderly” guys strutted in that basically havent come to grips with the fact that they are not athletes anymore. The rest of the group was high school and college age guys ready to straight up blast each other. At this point I am thinking Jeshua and Ryan are the Maximus of this group.
Then I see this guy walking into the playing area pushing what looked like a stroller with a igloo cooler on the front of it. I burst into laugter thinking this cant be happening. Ryan being the genious he is walks up to the guy thinking he is trying to sneak in a Dodgeball forcefield and says something like, “Hey man you know you cant bring that in here.” Little did Ryan know that this was not only a brilliant ball blocker but a walker for someone who can not walk aka handicap. Thats right a handicap guy slipped into the game and Josh and I are laughing like crazy while the others in the crowd fall into a confused silence.
So the game begins and as you can imagine Josh and I are cheering like madmen for our boys while the rest of the crowd slowly gets interested in this strange competition. Immediately the old guys and the teenagers are throwing their arms out trying to prove themselves alpha-male. The girls are quickly pounded with a barrage of fierce ammo. Slowly the guys begin whittling themselves down, the whole while Jeshua and Ryan are hiding behing the handicap kid and using him as a human shield. Of course no one has even thrown a ball within twenty feet of the handicap kid.
Ryan foolishly leaves the protection of this poor guy and gets knocked-out. It gets down to just Jesh and the handiman on one team and like three other guys on the other team. Lets recap so far Jeshua has hid behind the handicap kid the entire game and the handicap kid has not thrown a ball or been thrown at yet. Now Jesh has to get these other guys out because well his partna wasnt going to do it.
So like a scene from old school American Gladiators Jeshua hides behind his wall, runs out and gets a ball then dives back behind the human fortress. Now balls are coming at the handicap guy because Jesh is behind him, so what does this guy do, he starts swatting the balls away with his walker. Im not making this up. The guy has no shame, straight up deflecting the balls like bringing shields into Dodgeball games is legit.
As God looked down on this and smiled, He decided to make the story better. Through the skillful use of the human shield, Jesh was able to get the guys on the other team out. The air was instantaniously sucked out of the building when the Ref made Jesh and the Handicap kid square off in a duel to the death. I swear to you Jesh and the handicap kid stand there staring at each other for like two minutes. The whole building is silent like a library at this point. All you can hear is me trying to keep my laughter in so everybody doesnt think I am some sick jerk.
Jesh lobs a few half hearted balls towards the guy which are easily deflected with his handy body armor. You can only imagine the priceless look on Jeshuas face – he has absolutely no idea what to do in this situation. Like something out of a Hollywood script the handicapable kid pushes his walker to the side and picks up a ball. With this painful, every movement hurts, look on his face he waddles a couple steps toward Jesh and heaves a ball toward him. Im not going to lie to you he threw the ball pretty stinking fast and almost collapsed to the ground, but Of course Jesh simply steps to the side to avoid the embarrsment of losing to this guy.
Now with the forcefield down Jeshua see his oppurtunity to end this nightmare. Im not making this up, Jeshua straight up launches a ball at the guy, and smokes him right in his bum leg. As the guy crumples onto his stroller, the crowd quickly turns on Jeshua. I was a little fearful for our lives. Not only is the whole church pissed at Jesh for committing the unpardonable sin, but they all hate us for simply knowing him. Josh and I pour gas on this bonfire of anger by starting a victory chant for Jeshua which draws some bad looks from pretty much every decent person in the arena. Jesh receives his spoils and finds us, head hanging low. It was obvious he felt like crap, but seriously people what options did he have? Granted he didnt have to execute a direct hit at 70mph onto the kids cripple leg, but he couldnt take a dive – thats unAmerican, unmanly, even unChristian.
After we laugh like mad, and soak up a myriad of mumbles, grumbles, and insults from the church congregation while Jesh hashes through his emotions, Jesh decides to go give the victory bounty to the kid. He finds the guy and says he wants to give him the gift certificate. Doing what any self-respecting handicap person would do he gratefully declines the gift – Oh No. This guy actually takes the gift certificate from Jesh. This guy’s denseness is unmatched. He is handicap and enters a dodgeball game. Already having the unfair advantage that anyone that attends church wont throw at him, he uses his walker as a shield just in case things gets heated. After putting a poor guy through the misery and reputation killer of hitting a handicap kid in dodgeball, he takes the prize that he did nothing to earn. But hey what do I care without him there would be no hilarious story for the ages.