What is the greatest feeling in the world? Winning the lottery? Closing that big deal? Making a full-court shot? Hitting a game winner? No, not even close. This greatest feeling in the world is actually obtained in an unexpected place. Don’t you hate using public restrooms? They are disgusting. They smell like a sweaty fat guy that just had to walk home from Taco Bell. They are covered in foul and senseless graffiti, which makes you question the intelligence of Americans. Worst of all, they are only cleaned once a month and by some zit-faced kid that simply uses a mop to spread around whatever fluids are already soaking the concrete floor.
But inevitably, you will be driving down the road, hours from the comfort of your own pristine bathroom, when it hits you. Nothing you can do will hold back the impending disaster, so you wildly whip into the nearest gas station parking lot like a drunken, stunt-driver. You plow your way past all the customers in the store and enter a filthy, dimly lit room that would be too heinous for Fear Factor. Once you complete your ungodly deed, that magical moment happens. You stand up and look down at the toilet paper dispenser only to realize that you just finished off the roll. At this exact moment, you are overcome with emotion. Not only have you just avoided one of life’s greatest catastrophes, but you have created what is guaranteed to be the worst moment in someone else’s life.
Whoever franticly shuffles into that restroom with their cheeks clinched tight is going to realize that the roll is empty just a little too late. You can only smile to yourself knowing the panic attack the next person will experience when they look over at that roll you just emptied. A feeling of satisfaction and sheer joy rushes through your veins as you imagine the chaos that ensues when someone realizes they have no way out of that stall that doesn’t end with years of therapy. Maybe McGyver could make it out of that restroom, but not without a mess on his hands. You step away from the sink with your head held high and leave that restroom a new man. That magical feeling is only matched by the moment that you actually see the face of “the guy” rushing past you into your glorious booby-trap.
This is exactly what ESPN does to us on a weekly basis. They purposefully finish off the toilet paper roll and leave us stuck in a restroom debating whether to tear our undershirt into strips or just waddle out of the restroom with our head hanging low. Week after week, we turn on ESPN only to see gymnastics or women’s basketball, and somewhere in America, there is an ESPN executive with a giant smile on his face knowing there is nowhere else for us to turn for sports. Sure, we could change the channel and watch Jon and Kate Plus Eight or just lower our head and watch another round of obscure boxers bore us to death. While I am sure that knowing how miserable we are every time we see another NASCAR race or hockey game is an amazing feeling for ESPN, this trend needs to stop. Here are a few things that ESPN can feel free to stop abusing us with night after night.
HIGH SCHOOL SPORTS
Plain and simple – there is no reason for a grown man to watch high school sports unless he proves that he falls within one of the few exceptions. The exceptions for watching high school kids play a sport are as follows:
- You coach the team.
- Someone in your immediate family is on the team, and he/she is a starter and begged you to come on a night you had nothing else planned.
- You are being paid to watch the game as a scout.
- You are in Gamblers Anonymous and suffering a relapse.
If you do not qualify under any of these exceptions and still watch any high school sports, please mail your man card to Chuck Norris within five business days. What would possess someone to sit down and watch a bunch of 15 year-olds play a sport when there is undoubtedly a team full of guys in college or the pros getting paid handsomely to play the exact same game? In fact, if there is even the slightest possibility that you can play on the same field/court as someone without being humiliated on every play, then you don’t watch them. I will even go so far as to say that if you can lift more weights than the guy playing (Kevin Durant excluded), then you are wasting your time watching them. You guys tracking who the next prized recruit your college is after need some serious medical attention. ESPN, we watch sports to see it played at the highest level possible. We do not want to see scrawny kids running around pretending to play a sport. Put them back on TV in a few years if they have turned into actual athletes.
LITTLE LEAGUE WORLD SERIES
If putting high school sports on the “Worldwide Leader in Sports” is bad, then forcing us to watch ten year-olds play baseball is simply an abomination. What red-blooded, American man that has ever even daydreamed of being an athlete wants to watch the Little League World Series. Not only is it sloppy, slow and unathletic, but we know we are better than every player on the field. I can strike out any eleven-year old in America from thirty feet away, and I’m not even good at baseball anymore. You can take that to the bank. Can I hit a ball over a 4 foot fence 100 feet away? Make it 150. I will still clear that fence with pop flies. Whoever thought that monopolizing multiple ESPN stations with little league baseball for months out of the summer was a great idea should be beaten with whiffle-ball bats.
I know the chewing tobacco segment of our readers will hate me for this, but NASCAR is not a sport. No matter how painfully obvious it is that ESPN is trying to cash in on rednecks, driving a car is not a sport. In fact, I would say that if something is a basic life-function, done by the vast majority of America on a daily basis, then it isn’t a sport. Just because you make it “more extreme” doesn’t magically convert it into an athletic event.
Walking is not a sport. If granny tops out at 100 steps per minute as she speeds around the mall, we don’t put her on a Wheaties box. There are not sports revolving around getting dressed or brushing your teeth, and if they do decided to put engines on toothbrushes and take up air time on ESPN, I will be the first to call them out. Guys plowing through dozens of hotdogs or sucking down hundreds of deviled eggs aren’t athletes. They are obese.
“But what about running?” Sorry, people don’t run as a basic function of life. If I see hundreds of people running my way, I know that either a tidal wave is bearing down on me or animals escaped the zoo. In the same way, just because your car goes 200 miles per hour, doesn’t mean you’re an athlete. Actually, it probably makes you lazy because you picked a job that lets you sit in a car all day. “But NASCAR tests the athletes by forcing them to drive for so long.” Yeah, it’s called going on vacation. You won’t see anyone dumping a carton of milk on dad’s head when he drives his family from Texas to Florida this summer.
See Nascar. Additionally, this may be the least athletic thing that ESPN ever tried to pass off as a sport. I can’t think of anything less athletic than seeing how many Big Macs you can eat in an hour.
Really? Can someone explain to me how this is a sport? You sit in a boat and wait for a fish to get hungry. Wow, fisherman must train constantly to endure such a feat. I don’t care if you have a sweet, wrist jiggle to entice the fish or if you know the perfect scent of deer piss to smear on yourself, these things are not sports. The better question is why on earth are these shows on TV? Who watches them? If you are crazy enough about killing animals to wake up and watch a hunting show at 5 in the morning on the weekend, then shouldn’t you actually be hunting?
Every time I see the WNBA on ESPN, I know that there must be a hostage situation at the ESPN studios. Unless someone is holding a gun to their head, I have no idea how this continues to get forced down our throats. There aren’t many sports that true sports fans won’t suffer through, but we all have to draw a line somewhere. The WNBA has taken a sport that most of us love and brutally hacked it to pieces. Not only is it slow and painfully unskilled, but it is always on ESPN. We would rather watch ping-pong or swimming or ultimate Frisbee over the WNBA. The absolute nail in the coffin for the WNBA is anytime a player “dunks” the ball. Maybe once a season, both teams will clear the court at the end of a game and give one girl a clear lane to run through for a “monster jam.” God forbid, she slips that ball over the rim because ESPN will show that clip like she took off from half-court and ripped the goal down. That weak dunk will get its own ESPN specials and be featured on ESPN Classic for months. All the while some 15 year old boy just did the exact same dunk at JV practice and got laughed out of the gym.
I’m not even sure what viewers ESPN is targeting with these shows. Are there any little girls watching ESPN at 10pm on a school night? If some guy is truly perverted enough to watch these shows as some sort of turn-on, do you really think he is pulling himself away from the internet long enough to watch? Of all the crazy things ESPN airs, this may be the most confusing.
ANYTHING LUMBERJACK RELATED
Can’t you just see ESPN laughing at us? They actually created stupid sports out of mid-air just to mock us. They know we have nowhere else to go, and this is the ultimate slap in the face. Log cutting? Tree chopping? Every time I see some fat guy in a flannel shirt, shimmying up a tree with an axe, I want to write a firm, scolding letter to ESPN.
Thank god this dumpster fire of a sport self-imploded. It used to constantly be on ESPN, but now we are only forced to suffer through highlights on Sportscenter. Start an ESPN Canada if you want to air this atrocity, but there isn’t a real sports fan in America that gives a fat, cow nipple about hockey. Hockey is as boring as soccer, but no one ever played it as a kid, so it confuses us. ESPN would really be doing us all favor if it wasn’t hell-bent on showing highlights of hockey even though hockey has officially tanked. Of course they won’t do us that favor, but please, can’t we all just agree that hockey never deserves a place in the Top Ten Plays of the Night? Golf shots are more impressive than “spectacular” than hockey goals.
Few things are more upsetting than ESPN’s blatant disregard for the emergence of MMA. Not only does Mixed Martial Arts offer a more exciting and multi-faceted sport than boxing, but boxing is boring America to death. I would bet my soul that the ratings for ESPN’s Friday Night Fights are absolutely annihilated every week by any UFC show that comes on Spike. ESPN gives boxing its own night to showcase no-name boxers dancing around in circles, but can’t even show highlights of UFC events on Sportscenter. In fact, the best they can do is air a short web show on ESPN.com once a week covering MMA. Seriously, ESPN, give the people what they want!
ESPN, let me explain something to you. Those people you are forcing us to watch rollerblade around in an empty swimming pool and flip dirt bikes over giant manure piles have never watched ESPN in their lives. People that are in the X-Games and that actually enjoy watching the X-Games never played a real sport. The majority of them probably spent their childhood loitering in a 7-11 parking lot, smoking pot. All these years ESPN has been making money off of jocks, X-Games guys were honing their craft in parking lots while trying to avoid being persecuted by dumb jocks. X-Games makes more sense on MTV then it does on ESPN.
Horse Racing? Horse Racing! Is it still 1905 and all other sports have yet to be invented? Horse racing day on ESPN is possibly the most boring day of the year. Does anyone without a gambling problem even watch this? How exactly does this slip in under the category of sports anyway? Who is even the athlete, the animal or the 4 foot tall, 80 pound guy wearing tights? Nothing about horse racing makes a speck of sense.