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Posts Tagged ‘TV Comedy’

Two of a Kind: Your NFL Team’s TV Comedy Body-Double

Posted by hilariousandhandsomesportsguys on December 20, 2009

 Have you ever been walking down the street and someone randomly stops you? “Do I know you from somewhere,” they ask with a sincere look on their face (So this excludes all of you Captain Morgan’s out their that use that cheesey line to pick up chicks). “No, I have never seen you in my life,” you mumble as you quickly push away from the likely pickpocket. Later that day, your best friend texts you. “OMG! I just saw your body double brah! That was nutzzzz. He looked just like you. lol.” (Ok, maybe he isn’t your best friend, but one of those people you have to give your number to even though you know you will regret it later). At that moment, you realize something life-altering – my friend texts like a thirteen year old girl, but more importantly, I might not be that unique after all. There might be people in the world that look, maybe even act just like me. Body-doubles don’t just occur with people. Oh no, in fact, some freaky-similar body-doubles have been spotted amongst NFL and TV comedy shows that will blow your mind. They look a little like this.   

 

New Orleans Saints: Curb Your Enthusiasm

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Both CYE and New Orleans are undisputably the most exciting things to watch on television. Whether Drew Brees is lighting a team up for 400 yards and 5TDs or Larry David is picking a fight with a handicap guy in the parking lot, both are non-stop entertainment. Even when they have an off moment they are exciting. So, maybe the Saints are getting manhandled for 3 quarters. They will drop 35 points in the 4th for a comeback. Maybe, your bored with a particular episode of CYE. Just hold on because Larry will undoubtedly pick of a hooker to drive in the High Occupancy Vehicle lane. Even more remarkable is how both CYE and the Saints make mediocre to irrelevant actors/players look like all-stars (minus Reggie Bush of course. he is unfixable).

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This past season of CYE with the Seinfeld cast really showed how much Larry David is capable of (both good and bad as he is obviously an obnoxious human being). HBO, notorious for pulling the plug on shows before they hit their prime, stuck with CYE and now they are reaping the benefits of adding all the whiny viewers who have been clambering for a Seinfeld reunion since 1998. The Saints are the most exciting team in the NFL (although Drew Brees could stand to tone it down a few notches in that pre-game military chant) and they are finally coming into their own after years of being the Aints. Gone are the days of QB’s named Billy Joe, bags on the fans heads, and Joe Horn’s cell phone. They now have Drew Brees’ birth mark, the resurrection of New Orleans post-Katrina, and Mr. Kim Kardashian. What’s not to like?
 

Indianapolis Colts: The Office

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Is there anyone more awkward and loveably irritating than Peyton Manning and Dwight Schrute. They both look like goof balls and are way too intense for everyone around them. However, they can both grab an episode/game by the jock strap and propel it to success. While, like The Office, the Colts aren’t the flashiest team on television, they are consistently the best. They just get the job done. While people may not at first get The Office’s humor, it is 100% offensive – just like the Colts. If you keep watching either of these two gems, you eventually will be won over.

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Indianapolis and The Office are the most reliable NFL teams/sitcoms today. They can both easily stake a claim that they are the best in their respected fields (although Indy has scraped out a bunch of their wins this year and the Office was not exceptional last season. It’s picked it up for season 6). But here’s where I’m at: As Michael Scott has spiraled downward to a veritable lunatic over the past few seasons, I find myself wondering if the show can survive without him. Whether he’s crying about wanting to be Santa, sleeping with employee’s moms, or driving his car into a lake to prove his GPS is flawed, he’s always up to something that would make you want to strangle him if he really existed. He’s clearly the most self centered human being in Scranton, but what would Dunder Mifflin be if he wasn’t around doing his Michael nonsense? I think I’m ready to find out. The Colts and their fan base, on the other hand, would be missing the following: The audibles from Hades, the Marvin Harr(whoops, he’s capping folks at car washes) Reggie Wayne connection, the sense that if he has the ball in the last 2 minutes he will win that game – those will all be gone. I don’t think Colts fans are ready to find out who’d be next.

Minnesota Vikings: 30 Rock

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I don’t even like this show. In fact, I hate it, just like I hate the Minnisota Favres. Somehow 30 Rock wins every award imagineable and is all we ever hear about on tv. Does that sound like a certain NFL team? Similarly, if I have to hear about how great Brett Favre is in the clutch, boycott Wrangler Jeans. Granted, they both have assembled an all-star cast and keep dominating their competition. Who couldn’t win with Farve, Adrian Peterson, Tina Fey and Tracey Morgan. However, still vastly overrated by the media hype machine at the expense of better shows/teams.

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Who doesn’t hate Favre during the off season? Even those jokers they call NFL analysts on ESPN get sick of talking about whether or not he’ll come back. But he finally does come back and you can’t deny the fact that he’s entertaining. Whether it’s annoyingly picking up teammates to celebrate his own TD passes or rubbing it in the Packers face like a jealous ex boyfriend who made it big, Favre grabs the spotlight. 30 Rock wins every award imaginable so apparently the emmy judges are just as infatuated with this show as we are with Favre. And while Tina Fey’s self deprecating humor gets old and Tracy Morgan’s limited acting ability always seems forced, the show is enjoyable. Just ask the critics.

San Diego Chargers: Seinfeld

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Seinfeld was loaded, absolutely loaded with talent. They put together the most on one of the most explosively, hilarious tv shows for years, and then came the finale. Wha Wha Wha. What a disappointment. The show fell apart and laid one of the biggest eggs in sit-com finale history. Enter your San Diego Chargers. Every season we watch Rivers, LT, and Gates run wild on opponents. Merriman is sack dancing his way onto the list of most annoying players ever. Then comes the playoffs, and whoopsy, they choke up like a woman during the Notebook.

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I always finished episodes of Seinfeld wanting more. A lot of times they wouldn’t even complete their story lines and you basically had to assume the conclusion. They were always so good, but I wanted to see George live out the consequences of all of his relationship blunders. I wanted to see Jerry just lay into Kramer for taking all his food every day. I wanted to see a relationship develop between Jerry and Elaine. And the writers led you on in those areas, but never completed the thoughts. In a similar vein, I want to see the Chargers put together a full season living up to their potential. Hey LT, stop always feeling bad for yourself, talking about your lack of respect, and run the ball like you have something to prove. Merriman, stop beating down 4 foot reality tv bisexuals and become relevant again, please. There’s too many unanswered questions with this roster. They should be dominant week in and week out (although they’re improving on that this year).

Philadelphia Eagles: It’s Always Funny in Philadelphia

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Wow does Philidelphia have some fire-power. McNabb, Jackson, Maclin, Westbrook, McCoy, Vick. Wow. You expect the Eagles to be good every year, but they can absolutely blow up for 80 yard touchdown on every play. They may not be the complete package and they can be forgotten in a crappy division, but they are a team you can’t stop watching once you tune in. In the same way, It’s Always Sunny in Philidelphia is quietly becoming one of the funniest shows on tv that you may forget about because its on FX. Every character on the show has been developed perfectly and each scene has the possibility to be piss your pants funny. It isn’t quite as good as the top shows on tv, but it is pretty close. More importantly, I think all of us believe that the show is a very accurate portrayal of what actual Philadelphia fans act like when they aren’t tossing rock-covered snowballs at Santa or cheering life-threatening injuries.

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Both are supremely underrated. Every time I watch the Eagles I feel like McNabb tosses 3 TD’s and smiles while he’s doing it. The fact that they seem to steam roll the Giants every time they face each other makes them even more enjoyable. Always Sunny has that same trait in that they seem to touch on topics and absolutely roll with them in a hilarious albeit controversial manner. I forget it’s on but when I’m flipping through and I see it, I never change the channel (until Danny Devito shows up…god that guy creeps me out). And I never really forget about the Eagles since I have a pension to draft McNabb every year in my fantasy leagues. So I guess we can honestly admit we made this comparison because they’re both set in Philly. Sue us. It’s a free blog.

Green Bay Packers: The Daily Show

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Best news show on tv – period. You heard me. Is it sad that the most honest and object news in America today shows up on a fake news show on Comedy Central? Somehow John Stewart has made politics not only interesting and bearable to watch but must-see tv. Likewise, the Packers somehow have a NFL team Green Bay, Wisconsin! What’s more spectacular news on Comedy Central or a successful pro team in Wisconsin? And for those who didn’t know it is nipple chisling cold in Wisconsin and the Packers make people want to paint themselfs a stand in that weather to watch a game that comes on tv at their warm, fire-place crackling house.

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The major thing these 2 have in common are their annoying fan bases. While I’m all for satirical news and I enjoy Stewart in certain doses, I seem to randomly run into the most annoying Daily Show fans who think the Jewish Stewart is the true Chosen One. Similarly Packer fans live and die by the success of the Pack. My old roommate from Green Bay confirmed spousal abuse rates go up on the Sundays the Packers lose so take from that what you will.

Cincinnati Bengals: Community

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The Bengals play in the same division as Pittsburg and Baltimore. We pretty much expect them to suck every year. People probably wouldn’t hate them so much if they didn’t have Chad Ochocinco throwing away average Americans yearly wages every weekend so he can do some lame gag. Low and behold, the Bengals are pretty good though. They overcame Chad’s foolishness and mixed in some random no-namers and they are actually pretty good. I don’t think they will win in the playoffs, but they are pretty good. Community is pretty good too. They could’ve been overshadowed by The Office and 30 Rock, but they held their own. They have even made Chevy Chase bearable to watch despite is lame and tired act.

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The Bengals and Community are both refreshing and both are the unexpected hits of 2009. While their NBC co-horts, the Office and 30 Rock have stuck to their normal shtick, Community consistently comes up with fresh ideas from shout outs to pop culture, to the overly PC state of our colleges, to the teacher/student relationship. Yes at times, Joel McHale struggles to look like a late 20’s slacker-lawyer, but he does his job as the glue of the show and allows everyone else to flourish. And I don’t care what Block Party says, Chevy Chase is a highlight of the show. Check him out singing with Britta’s ex “You’re a b, you’re a b, you’re a g d b”…I was laughing out loud. Chevy really re-invented himself here….just like Ced Benson. The Bengals made changes while Pitt and Baltimore stood pat. Looks like Cincy’s laughing now.

Arizona Cardinals: Family Guy

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Offense, Offense, Offense baby. Family Guy lives and dies by hurting people’s feelings. It is tvs equivalent to the Cardinals pass-happy offense. Its rare to see such a hilarious show that doesn’t attempt to be clever, smart, or even make sense. Most of the show feels like the writers just toss darts at “the big wheel o’ slap stick humor” and then pull out a card from the “Box of obscure pop culture references.” Somehow it all comes together for a very funny show, most of the time. Arizona does it the same way. Kurt Warner makes a living just taking shot after shot down the field, and somehow they make it work. Truly remarkable.

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“Holy crap, I think we had a hit on our hands”. This coming from Fox execs after they pulled the plug on Family Guy a few years back. Fan outrage and enormous DVD sales made their decision to resuscitate the controversial show easier, but it’s the shows ballsy attitude and nothing is sacred approach that keeps the viewers tuning in. Maybe it’s just me but shouldn’t Brian be funnier though? Maybe MacFarlane and the rest of those quacks think it’s hilarious to have the dog play the straight man on a sitcom, who knows. That dog just irritates me. Kurt Warner looked like a high school QB with a gimpy thumb after his initial success, losing out on a starting gig…A couple teams later, Arizona realized they might have a gem sitting on their bench (behind Matt Leinart of all scrubs). So they dust Warner off and throw him out there. Soon enough he’s giving some beat downs to the atrocious NFC West.

Denver Broncos: Modern Family

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Where did that come from? If I told you that a show was coming out about a fat gay guy, a ginger gay guy, an old rich guy, a spectacularly hot columbian woman, another attractive middle aged woman, some random filler-husband, and a bunch of different kids, oh – and all of them are married slash related to each other in one way or another, you would not have clue how that show was going to work out. You sure wouldn’t predict that it be lights-out, the best show new show on tv. They did it though with Modern Family. Denver took a similar route this year. They brought in a coach young enough to be my brother, a mediocre, to possibly terrible, QB with a squirt gun for an arm, a rookie running back and mixed in a crazy, assclown receiver in Brandon Marshall. Somehow it worked and I present to you, the NFL surprise team of the season.

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One hit wonders. No way either can keep up their success. On a weird, random note, I’ve had multiple females tell me how hot Josh McDaniels is. Which probably did help him when he was black balling/alienating members of his own team. If that guy looked like Andy Reid, there’s no way he makes it past the pre-season with all his shenanigans.

New England Patriots: Arrested Development

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How is this show not on the air any longer? How are the Patriots not winning every Super Bowl? How is Brothers on FOX and not AD? How were the Dolphins in the playoffs last year and not New England? Arrested Development was the smartest, wittiest, downright most hilarious show to come on television in years. The fact that it is not on television anymore makes me question the existence of a god, and I make a weekly phone call to my Congressman to make an inquiry in to how this show was cancelled. I’m equally baffled every time the Patriots lose. You have Brady throwing the ball to Moss and Welker with Bellicheck on the sidelines the whole game and you lost!?!? How?

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How long can this post be? Can I write a separate piece on the importance of this team and this show to their respective fields? Can it break down Gob’s magic act and tie it in with Randy Moss’ wizardry on the field? Can I compare my disappointment in Adalius Thomas to the Bluthe family’s embarrassment of Buster? Is there a better straight lead played than what Jason Bateman pulled off as Michael Bluthe? Is Tom Brady now the quintessential leading man for a football team? If you say no, what about if he wins his 4th ring? Who’s more gay, Tobias or Lawrence Maroney? So many questions I could dig into like I do with Lost, only this might even be more enjoyable. Hate the Patriots if you will, but deny their importance and you’re being naïve and ignorant. They’re the gold standard and have set the bar high for all NFL franchises. Just like the Bluthe family has done for the real estate market in Iraq.

Dallas Cowboys: Friends

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Has there ever been a show more in love with itself? I only imagine the cast of Friends regularly referred to themselves as America’s Show. Of course only teenage girls and the most questionable of guys would dare watch that show and enjoy it. Do we see a glaring similarity here to the Cowboys? Every remotely knowledgeable fan knows they are overrated, and the only people that proclaim this team’s superiority are complete homers and 14 year old girls that think anyone that dated Carrie Underwood must be a good QB. In fact, there are very few people more annoying than Ross, Chandler, Joey, Romo, ex-Owens, and Jerry Jones.

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Block Party and I were matching up teams and shows and obviously there were debates over certain shows (some serious curse words and momma jokes were thrown each other’s way over Facebook IM), but the light just came on over both our heads when we started talking about Dallas and Friends. It’s like those 2 extremely annoying people who get married. They just belong together. Think back. Do you recall any of your male friends talking about some hilarious one liner from Ross? Did they ever talk about some amazing Emmitt Smith run that showed why he was better than Barry Sanders? No and No! Tell me that if you see some guy walking through Walmart and he’s sporting a Romo jersey, you’re not questioning his sexuality. You can’t.

Baltimore Ravens: The Simpsons

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Good ole’ faithful. Both the Ravens D and the Simpsons have been going strong for 10+ years now and show no sign of letting up. They both keep running out the same characters year after year and surprise everyone with a solid product. Ray Lewis and Bart Simpson refuse to die. The Simpsons aren’t the funniest show on tv and they aren’t even the funniest cartoon on tv anymore, but they laid the groundwork for all the South Parks, Family Guys and Adult Swim shows that have followed. Similarly, the Ravens aren’t the scariest defense anymore but they get the job done, and are the model for all the defensive oriented teams dominating the league today.

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I was watching the Ravens on Monday Night Football recently and it surprised me how good Ray Lewis still is. Sure it looks like he put on about 50 lbs and his obnoxious screaming hasn’t been as charming since he shanked that dude a few years ago, but he is still in on almost every play. The Simpsons are still good for a few laughs all these years later. Don’t ask me how either of them keep getting it done, but they do. The curtain may be closing on both sooner than we think though.

Miami Dolphins: South Park

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South Park may be the smartest comedy on television. Week after week they somehow make serious points about life issues by using talking turds, kicks to the nuts, and perfectly timed curse words. Many people disregard South Park as a crude and unholy waste of time, but objectively speaking, are those guys making South Park the smartest people in the room? In the same way, the Dolphins are mocked for running the Wildcat and needing gimmicks to score points, but can anyone stop it? They keep running these crude and offensive “trick plays” to score points and it just pisses people off. If I know anything, it’s that Bill Parcells has no problem telling you that he is the smartest guy in the room.

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The best part about South Park is how relevant it stays with its story lines. Usually when shows are around as long as South Park, they get stale and unimaginative (IE Frazier, Home Improvement, FRIENDS!). But not South Park. I remember seeing Tom Cruise jumping on Oprah’s couch and it seemed like the next South Park episode was about Tom Cruise not wanting to come out of Butters’ closet. Just genius and shot out so fast, I was floored. And they do this all the time with today’s headlines constantly incorporated into the show. The addition of Stan’s dad as a major character has made the show even more well rounded. And while I will stop short of calling the Miami Dolphins genius-like in any respect, they have done a good job staying afloat and decent even though they are in the division with the most dominant team of the decade. They have to constantly re-invent their offense due to the crappy QB’s they always seem to have a plethora of and I can respect that they still consistently give the Pats a run for the money.

New York Giants: The Colbert Report

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I love the Colbert Report. I really don’t like the Giants. I don’t like their uniforms. Their fans are obnoxious. East Coast Bias. LT was a drug addict. Bill Parcells made sweaters look tight – when he was in his “prime.” So this is a tough comparison. But I will say this. Stephen Colbert is irreverant, unobjective, dogmatic and self-promoting. He is everything a good political analysts shouldn’t be, but somehow if you can sift through all his sarcasm, you realize, “this guys is making some good points. Stephen Colbert is somehow more credible than Sean Hannit, Glen Beck, Rush Limbaugh and all the other crazies on ‘real’ new shows.” Eli Manning is the same way. He is everything a NFL QB shouldn’t be. He is quiet. He looks lazy and unathletic. He speaks like he got kicked in the head by a horse. However, after you watch him for a while you think, “man this guy is good. Is he one of the best quarterbacks in the league?”

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When Eli was a QB at Ol’ Miss, I felt bad for him. I had seen him in an interview and I thought he was slow. I’m not trying to be funny, I literally felt sorry for this poor guy who had to grow up in the shadow of the amazing Peyton Manning. When I found out that’s just how he looks, I still pitied him. Surely, something’s off with Eli, yea? When he was drafted 1st overall, but Big Ben won a Super Bowl before him, I felt bad for this guy again. I was having pity parties for a multi million dollar professional athlete who played for a team I hated! What was I thinking?? And when he beat my beloved Patriots in the Super Bowl in their undefeated season….all that pity went straight out the window and I make jokes about his goofiness to any and all who will listen. I used to feel bad for Stephen Colbert. Living in the shadow of the mighty Jon Stewart and his Daily Show. But then, an interesting thing happened. When they spoke, Stewart cowherd to Colbert’s brashness. Colbert’s show was genuinely funnier than Stewarts, whose shtick gets old after a while. I was pitying the more dominant entertainer. The lesson: Don’t pity people, kids. They probably have their crap more handled than you do.  

Jacksonville Jaguars: Glee

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I don’t care how many people tell me that Glee is the “hilarrrios” and the “best show on tv.” I’m not going to watch it. Same with the Jags. Save your breath. Don’t tell me how they are an upstart team or a “sleeper.” I’m not going to watch them. I refuse to give up my man card over either of these things. In fact, I can’t imagine a reason why I would put myself through the torture of watching Glee or the Jags. There is nothing compelling about a bunch of kids singing or an offense that runs the ball 75 times a game. I don’t want to watch High School Musical just in case you were wondering.

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Jacksonville is such a random city to have a football team, like what the heck? Think of all the cities in the US that would love to have a professional football team, but don’t have one. Los Angeles. Ummm Hartford. Portland. Did I mention Los Angeles??? Ok, so maybe there’s not a ton of cities than can support a team, but Jacksonville? Seriously, what brain trust was involved in getting Jacksonville a team? Half their games are blacked out for crying out loud. Get David Stern involved. He’d have the Jaguars on their way to Tulsa or LA quicker than David Garrard can make it through the buffet line. Then there’s Glee. A “revelation” according to a recent review. I reveal musical comedies don’t last. And no I don’t care who wins the heart of the hot singer, whether it be the jock or the guy with the mo-hawk (2 obvious guys who would be in a Glee club by the way, Fox). Just get this team out of Jacksonville and this show out of every day news. Become like Bones, Glee. I don’t care if you stay on, just stay out of my constant vision.

New York Jets: Tyler Perry’s House of Payne

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This show is not funny. This team is not good. It doesn’t matter how many times TBS tells us House of Payne is the best comedy on tv, it wont magically make anyone laugh. No matter how many times ESPN tells us that Sanchez is a good QB, it won’t mystically turn him into a great quarterback. If something sucks, it just sucks. No one laughs when HOP comes on and no one gets blown away when Sanchez eats a hotdog in the middle of a game. While both the Jets and HOP may (a big maybe) have potential to become mediocre. At the present time, the massive campaign to brainwash America should stop.

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My first dose of House of Payne was a few years ago during the NBA Playoffs where TNT let me know that this show would be airing in the Fall. And by “dose” and “let me know” I mean made me practically drowned in the absurd amount if promos and teasers that they aired ad nauseum. And let me say that not one of the commercials were entertaining, intriguing, or even remotely funny. It was like being locked in Room 23 on Lost. Just maddening. The Jets are very similar. Who wants to watch Thomas Jones and this crew of mediocre talent compete on a weekly basis? Not me. But these lovable losers are all I see in the NY area. I escape ESPN and turn on local sports radio and what do I hear? “Why is Kerry Rhodes so terrible”, “How concerned should I be about Mark Sanchez’s behavior”, “Why is our head coach crying after press conferences” “TBS: VERY FUNNY”…whoops! Got my brain washings confused.

Tennessee Titans: Family Matters

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When I was a kid this show used to be the highlight of my week. I remember TGIF being the most exciting thing the world had ever seen. It was a cultural phenomena. I have feelings bars shut down and strip clubs closed on friday nights because there was nothing better to do than watch Urkel. In fact, I just found out that the name of this show wasn’t Urkel. Urkel absolutely carried that show to the top of the mountain with his suspenders and catch-phrase “Did I do that?” Wow! Well, are the Tennessee Chris Johnsons any different? The most explosive running back in the league is the only reason any one tunes in to watch Tennessee, but oh is he and his 200 yard rushing games worth tuning in. A cautionary tale for Tennessee. When Urkel errr Family Matters got away from their bread and butter, nerdy Urkel and created that ridiculous super cool Urkel the show went straight to hell in a handbasket. Cool Urkel = Vince Young.

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Every year, Tennessee manages to pull off yet another feel good story. This year it’s the redemption of Vince Young. Last year was the redemption of Kerry Collins. Vince Young’s rookie year it was VY proving the doubters wrong. They are constantly make you cheer for them. And aside from the McNair travesty this summer, he used to be easy too cheer for. Seemingly good guy, doing all he could to get the W. Family Matters was the feel good show of all feel good shows. And unlike with Full House or Step by Step, you weren’t embarrassed for feeling good. Urkel healed you. Admit it. It’s ok, he healed us too.

Alanta Falcons: American Dad

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I want to like this show. I mean, I really, really want to like this show. The writer/creator of the show is a super funny guy. I like the Stan character and his hyper-conservatism. There is potential with Roger the Alien and the scrawny son, Steve. However, I wouldn’t be upset if I never saw this show again. It never really leaves me begging for more. It’s way better than trying to read a book. I will give you that, but I’m not going to boycott anyone when it goes off the air. The Falcons conjure up alot of those same emotions. Their GM is smart guy. I like the pieces he has collected, like Matt Ryan, Michael Turner, and Roddy White, but I’m never going to get in fight with someone over changing the channel during a Falcon game.

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Since they have the same writer and a lot of the same components, American Dad will always be compared to Family Guy and it will always be in 2nd place to it. Nothing against, American Dad. It’s funny. The Goldfish isn’t but I’m ok with that. Along those same lines, no matter what Matt Ryan does he will always be in the shadow of Michael Vick. Nothing against Ryan. He’s solid. But he’s not someone who re-defined his position. Vick did. Vick and Peter Griffin were 1st. Sorry ATL.

Houston Texans: Parks and Recreation

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Parks and Recreation is basically a spin-off of The Office. It has a very dry, witty humor. Its a mockumentary. Alot of the jokes are very subtle and it actually gets funnier the more you watch. It is no where near as funny as The Office and something is missing, but you can tell it’s trying to copy their model for success. My Texans are clearly trying to model the success of the Colts. They came into the league after the Colts and immediately started building a finess offense. It is explosive and high powered, but soft and lacking that intangible that the Colts have. They are alot of fun to watch, but you get the feeling they will always be in the shadow of the Colts.

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I hate Amy Poehler. Our blog seems to throw that word around a lot, but it’s true. I never enjoyed her acting in any of her over the top characters on SNL and liked her even less as a Weekend update anchor….But as Leslie Knope, I gotta say, she thrives. And the show is really taking shape into something enjoyable. It’s no Community, but it does have nights where it over shadows the Dunder Mifflin crew. Go watch the episode entitled “Sister City” on Hulu right now. It’s perfect, start to finish. In the same vein, I hate Texas. Maybe it’s my east coast bias, but I don’t get the arrogance. But these Houston Texans are enjoyable to watch. They’re no Indianapolis, but they’re already knocking Tenn. and Jacksonville around.

San Fransisco: The Big Bang Theory

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Have you ever had a skeleton in your closet? You know, like you are cheating on your model wife with dozens of ugly skanks. Or, maybe you smoke weed all the time and dream of being a message therapist. Stuff like that – you know, skeletons us normal folk have. Well, mine is loving The Big Bang Theory. I feel like its not cool to like this show and that it isn’t that popular, but there is something about those nerds, and maybe that girl too. San Fran is that team that I secretly love. Singeltary scares me to death. Vernon Davis looks like an ebony god. Frank Gore runs the ball knowing there are probably 10 men in the box. What a great team! But keep that on the DL.

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Other than Blake Lively, Kelly Cuoco (yes, I totally had to imdb who the heck she was) might be the most attractive female on television. And any guy who read comic books or enjoyed video games as a kid (I went to Christian school so these were my 2 vices), should be able to see a little bit of themselves in the 4 lovable loser main characters. These factors combine to form a show I thoroughly enjoy. Whether they’re getting owned by Sheldon in some argument, learning about females from Penny, or going comic book shopping on “comic book Tuesday”, the show remains light and quirky, fast paced and entertaining. The San Francisco 49ers are light. They’re not gonna compete for a Super Bowl, but they’ll put up huge numbers for your fantasy teams, get mooned at half time by their coach, and be entertaining to watch. Unlike the Browns or Panthers. Or Ugly Betty or Scrubs.

Pittsburgh Steelers: Two and a Half Men

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I honestly can’t remember a more mediocre show that has become so popular. Everytime I watch the show, I don’t laugh. I don’t crack a smile. I don’t find anything clever or witty. I really just feel more confused and can’t figure out why everyone is in love with it. This all applies to the Steelers. ESPN makes the Steelers sound like the most dominate team since Lombardi roamed the gridiron. So, I tune in to a Steelers game to watch them mascare some sacrificial lamb, and it never happens. They lose to terrible teams, struggle with teams they should hammer, or just get by with the “W” – never earning the praise heaped upon them. Also, if I could pick anyone in the NFL to be the sleezy, overhyped, womanizer that is Charlie Sheen, it would be Big Ben by a wide margin.

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How many lives does Charlie Sheen have? 10? 15? I mean how many scandals can slip off this guy? After becoming an unbankable movie star and even worse person, he makes a comeback with (according to CBS) the top rated comedy on television. What? So you tune in and find out it’s a bordering on 50 Charlie acting like a clueless 20 yr old. Apparently, America finds that funny. Not this guy. I need actual acting with good writing. Same goes for the Pittsburgh Steelers. These guys are a generic team with an above average D who have success year after year. And I just don’t get it. They let their best players go all the time and yet there they are at the top of the standings. Sure they’ve had a down year in 2009, but they had a bad year in 2006 after they won it all the previous season too. They’ll be back next year. As will this ridonkulous show.

Carolina Panthers: Everybody Loves Raymond

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Everybody Loves Raymond shot out of the gate as one of the funniest shows on television. A giant whiner, a guy with a crazy voice, the most hilariously obnoxious parents on earth: these characters had people going bonkers to watch this show. A funny thing happened though. The show got old after a while. It didn’t suck, but it was just the same ole, same ole. It didn’t get worse, but it didn’t get better and lots of other shows passed it by. Carolina has developed the same way. They were somehow spectacular as an expansion team. Then a few years ago, they even made it to the Super Bowl and came one boneheaded kickoff away from winning it all. Fastforward to today, and its pretty much the exact same team, with the same old players doing the same old thing. They aren’t horrendous, but no one is knocking over old ladys to get to the ticket booth either.   

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What am I missing? He’s supposedly the most dominating defensive player in the game, but I never hear his name during games. I sometimes forget he’s playing till some color commentator invariably says “A quiet day so far for Julius Peppers. This is a completely different Carolina team when he’s on the loose” Well, guess what analyst. He’s never on the loose. He does nothing. Same goes for Raymond. If he’s so great, why did I never care that that show was on? And was it just me, but when I did tune in, how come the kids were never shown on screen? Was that a weekly continuity error? Someone explain that to me. Eh, never mind. I don’t care enough.

Buffalo Bills: Full House

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Pop Quiz. First game of the year what happened with Buffalo? They almost beat Bill Bellichek and Tom Brady. They looked good. They had Trent Edwards slinging the ball around the field. Terrell Owens hadn’t accussed anyone of being gay. The defense was wrecking people. Fast forward to today. The Bills are awful. Their coach is gone. Starting QB is gone. Terrell Owens couldn’t catch a disease from one of Tiger’s harem of butterfaces. This team is simply a fraud. Full House is alot like that too. After years of good wholesome family tv, we learn how much of a fraud they were. Bob Sagat is one of the least funny and vile human beings on earth. The blonde girl was hooked on drugs. The Olen Twins have turned their lifes into a dumpster fire. Both of these are actually a little disappointing.

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Do you remember being younger, tuning in to Full House and being entertained? I mean, even back then in elementary school, it was embarrassing to admit you watched you some Full House. But we watched and enjoyed. But check out one of those episodes now. They air them on random cable channels from time to time. They’re atrocious! They’re painful to watch even. The jokes they set up for the baby Olsen twins literally hurt me that adults would stoop to that level of corny. Buffalo, just like with Full House, people liked you. They do like you. But then you give us Trent Edwards and JP Lohsman and it’s just a little embarrassing. Stop embarrassing us please. Or you’ll be sent to Toronto.

Chicago Bears: King of the Hill

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I really had high hopes for both Chicago and King of the Hill. I love Ditka and mocking rednecks, so how can I not love these two gems. Well, the words dull, boring and trainwreck come to mind. OK, trainwreck doesn’t apply to King of the Hill, but you can’t have a conversation about the NFL’s least likable asshat, Jay Cutler, without mentioning trainwrecks. At some point, they have to stop talking about how much “confidence Cutler has with his arm” and how he is a “play-maker,” and just admit he’s a guy that can throw a ball real hard to the wrong team alot, right? Don’t they? I mean he sucks right? I’m not the only one seeing this.

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It can’t be overstated how little I enjoy this duo. I dislike the Bears so much, it made me root for Peyton Manning in the Super Bowl and my dislike for him never returned. The Bears have that kind of power over me. Thank God Rex Grossman is long gone, but they decided to bring in the only QB in the league who has a double chin. On the other hand, Mike Judge should be prosecuted for his contributions to American pop culture. Beavis and Butthead and King of the Hill. Good God man, have you no shame? I feel poorer just watching King of the Hill. It makes me uncomfortable in it’s dirtiness and lack of humor. Seriously, how stale was the writing in these episodes? Its success defies logic.

Seattle Seahawks: How I Met Your Mother

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No. I totally believe that group of guys in their late thirties are cool college-age guys trying to find their way in this crazy world. What? Your going to keep running out these same, approaching middle-aged, actors season after season, and they will just try to get laid each episode and deal w the consequences. Oh yeah, that sounds awesome. How could that not be a good show? Yes, it’s true. How I Met Your Mother blows. It blows hard. Even worse, it is becoming offensive that it stays on the air year after year. The Seahawks follow a similar playbook. They have a team full of really old guys that get trotted out onto the field every week. Hasselback is bald. Seriously. Just like How I Met Your Mother, I completely forget that this team exists for seasons at a time, and then when I find out they haven’t been canceled, I feel like America is collectively being mocked.

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Yeah, I believe Ted Moseby and Barney can pick up the most attractive women in NYC. Of course I do. Just like I believe Jim Mora and Julius Jones can lead a team to the Super Bowl. Didn’t you know?? This is their year!…Ok, Do I hate either of them? Definitely not. In fact, I like both. Who’s not entertained by Jason Segal or TJ Houshamenzadeh (Shut up Paper Clip, I know I spelled it wrong)….I just don’t believe either crew can be remotely successful.

Washington Redskins: SNL

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What other show on television gets the biggest stars on earth every weekend and still finds away to not be funny? And Saturday Night Live just isn’t funny, it’s downright unwatchable. This wouldn’t be all that bad if we didn’t know that SNL used to be the funniest show on tv and it has unlimited resources to develop the best young comedians available. We see that the Redskins have adopted the same model to run their team. They dominated the 80s and into the 90s. Now they spend ungodly amounts of money to get the best free agents every year and still run an unwatchable product onto the field every Sunday.

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I love how every year, some joke analyst says “THIS is the Redskins year. They signed (insert ridiculously high priced free agent) and he’ll sure up their (Area of need that ridiculously high priced free agent end up not suring up).” And all year long, Washington under performs and gets obliterated by the NFC East. But then there’s that one game. One game where all the stars align and Washington completely takes a team to the woodshed. “They’ve turned it around” we say. “They’re making a playoff run” Mike Golic presumes. And then Oakland routes them the following week. SNL leaks stars like sieve. SNL is good for one episode that absolutely blows people out of the water. Justin Timberlake is usually involved. Or one sketch that gets emailed from co-workers to co-workers, all across the country. Next thing you know, Joseph Gordon Levitt is hosting and you realize Mike Golic lied to you about the Redskins.

Oakland Raiders: Entourage

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I struggle even putting this abomination on a list with other comedies. Since both Entourage and its fans seem to believe this is what funny looks like I allow it on the list – granted with the only grease fire of a team worthy of such a lame tv series. I’m actually a little irritated having to think about how mysteriously, popular such a shallow, uncreative show has become. Who actually sat down in the swanky Hollywood office and pitched this zit.

“Well, we are going to make a show. And uhhh the show, well its going to be about a gang of giant, flaming douchebags. Now hold on hold on. Im not finished. You didn’t hear me say that these douches will be completely self-involved and make all other douches look like stand-up role models. In fact, it will inspire douchbags everywhere to step up there game to never before seen hights. Now it gets even better. I see you smiling over there. You like where I’m going. Ok. Now, we will hire high school jocks as our writers just to make sure the dialogue is as shallow and dumbed down as possible. This also ensures the plot line will always be juvenile and predictable. So, as you can see we have basically ripped off Sex in the City except not as smart and with more estrogen. I can guarantee you that the only people that will like this are the most obnoxious of metrosexual guys and depressed high school girls who nightly eat ice cream while glued to the couch.”   

Well, I won’t go as far as to call the Raiders fans metrosexual, because by all appearances, they may be the least metrosexual of all sports fans. In fact, they appear to be whateversexual it is you become in prison. However, Raiders fans are blindly obnoxious and overly passionate about the most butchered and mismanaged franchise in football. The Raiders are an absolutely disaster in every possible way. They almost make Entourage seem like they could turn things around and make a funny show – almost.  

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This one’s obvious. First lets take the fan base AKA Vincent Chase’s entourage. Both groups are really lame, but they just don’t know it. “Keep it up Oakland fan, painted gray and black with the spiked shoulder pads. You’re really scaring the Chargers.” or “People respect you, Turtle. Get mad when you don’t get the A-list treatment Vincent gets.” Just 2 delusional sets of people. Then you have the franchise AKA Vincent Chase AKA The Raiders. You have enough Ari Golds and Al Davis’ around telling you how amazing you are. But the bottom line is you’re irrelevant and have been since you turned down Aquaman 2 (or drafted Jamarcus Russell).

Kansas City Chiefs: That 70s Show

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How can anyone like the show that forced Ashton Kutcher upon America? They kept ramming his weak, quirky, Kramer rip-off of a character through our TV set for years. I wonder what Ashton is going to do tonight on 70s Show? What!?! Another string of spazy, sexual innuendos? Hahahaha oh Ashton. Your a comedic genious. Chris Farley would have given up fast food to see your career blossom (He died from being fat right?). The Chiefs adopted the same gameplan when they decided they would just keep smashing Larry Johnson into defenses 40 times a game for years. It didn’t matter that he was only picking up 2 yards per carry. Every week you could count on an overrated and self-inflated LJ to basically fall forward for 80 yards a game. Then when even That 70s Show’s juvenile audience began to get bored with the same act episode after episode, they decided they would turn Fez into a star. Well, Fez quickly became one of the historically, annoying characters in tv comedies and the whole show went under. So, why is it that the Chiefs think Matt Cassel will be a star. He has been a minor part of every team he has been on, but now somehow he is going to carry the team? Sounds like Fez to me.    

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Tell me one remotely interesting thing about the Kansas City Chiefs since Joe Montana left there. Priest Holmes? Maybe. LJ? Yea right. Marcus Allen? Keep dreaming. Matt Cassell? Even you aren’t buying that one. That 70’s Show lost its appeal after 2 seasons when you realized Eric and the big girl with red hair weren’t breaking up. Luckily, Fox squeezed like 8 more seasons out of that tragic series. I picked up on Fez’s gimmicky comedy as a high schooler. And yet there he was trying to pull off that made up speech impediment, all those years later. He was the Urkel of the 2000’s with less charm and zero memorable lines.

Cleveland Browns: Scrubs

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God! I hate this show. I really wanted to come up with something witty and sarcastic to start my rant, but I couldn’t wait that long. This show is an absolute abomination. Every creative and remotely funny person on earth dies a little inside evertime this show comes on tv. The writers and cast of Scrubs has actually gone on record and claimed that it is thier goal to make people like Seth Rogan and Dane Cook seem funny and creative by comparison. Likewise, the Cleveland Browns has made it their goal to make every other NFL team look like that fantasy team you put together on Madden. Somehow though, just like Scrubs, there are some ape-nuts fans out there that think Brady Quinn and Derek Anderson are studs. Yes, J.D. and Turk, I am comparing you to the worst QB tandum in the league. You are a disgrace to funny.

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I used to like Scrubs. I thought they had something good going. Then they pulled a classic sitcom move. I’ll call it “The Chandler”. They neutered all the male characters to the point you find yourself getting worked up over your annoyance at them. First of all, they married off Turk WAAAYYY too early. Classic no-no. Who wants to see the comedy between a man and his wife? No one, that’s who. Leave the family comedies to Lifetime and Tyler Perry please. In season 1 and 2, when Dr. Cox berates J.D. and he whimpers away, it’s hilarious. But when season 6 and 7 roll along and the same thing still happens, you realize this uninspired writing at it’s finest. Cleveland loses their NFL team 15 years ago. They fight like crazy to get the Browns back in Cleveland. Guess what, they’re back, it’s exciting! We have Tim Couch! We have Romeo Crennell! We have 1 playoff appearance since we got the the team back in 1999….Change the channel.

Detroit Lions: Ugly Betty

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Ugly Betty – a show about an ugly girl that isn’t funny and not good at anything, but she is very likeable. Are you sure this isn’t a Matt Millan Documentary? Ugly Betty: How One Nice Guy Destroyed a Franchise.

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Do you know someone who watches Ugly Betty? Email me his name. I guarantee you made him up. There is no chance that guy exists. If there was no fantasy football, would people watch the Lions? Would their contraction be the worst thing in the world? Hardly. Let’s get the Patriots playing every Thanksgiving and be done with it.

Tampa Bay Buccaneers: Blue Mountain State

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Have you ever seen something and you immediately knew it was going to suck? Like when you see a fat guy going into the restroom next to your seat on the airplane. He has that panicked grimace on his face as he rumbles down the aisle towards you, and you know that your in for a miserable 30 minutes. Yep, that’s the exact same feeling I get every time I see a commercial for Blue Mountain State on SpikeTv. How many more awful college frat guy tv shows and movies do we need to reject before they stop making these comedy abortions? We get it already. There is an large number of white males in college that abuse alcohol and will have sex with any seacow they can find. Hoards of young women have severe daddy issues and are easy. Jocks have skated by their entire life and are billy goat stupid. Nerds have no social skills. There, plot line revealed. No one but high school kids find these shows funny. Stop bastardizing comedy. What are you going to do next? Try to get cheap laughs through mocking the handicap? Oh wait. The genre, if we can call it that, should have been retired after Old School. Well, the Bucs are exactly the same. You just know they will be horrendous every year. They won one Super Bowl and should have sold the team to an Arena League immediately after the parade.

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When I first saw the ads for Blue Mountain State, I assumed I was seeing the next chapter in the abominable American Pie straight to DVD collection. But no, this was some how even worse (Although it wouldn’t surprise me to see Jim’s moronic dad pop up as some assistant coach. Seriously Eugene Levy, enough already). This train wreck in the making is brought to you by Spike TV so you know it’s amazing. It follows 3 freshman college football players through the blah blah blah blah HILARITY ENSUES! Tampa Bay has always been a joke. Somehow eeked out a Super Bowl victory then instantly went back to being a joke. You could almost say that blah blah blah blah…

St. Louis Rams: Jackass

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How great was Jackass when it first came out? Easily the most shocking and hilarious show on tv. They were doing stuff that you would ever dream of doing. I mean, think of the most random and  stupidest idea that could cross your mind and these guys were doing it. Rub peanut butter all over yourself and fight a Panda Bear? Sure, why not? Pee in a cup and sell it as leomande? Yummmy. Run naked through a bee hive while people shoot you with paint balls? Who wouldn’t. These guys were nuts. Well, guess what. Jackass is just stupid now. It lost its appeal and we probably just got used to their gig. St. Louis with Kurt Warner and the Greatest Show on turf were blowing our minds like Jackass. They were throwing the ball 70 times a game, racking up 500 yards of offense, and putting up mind-erupting numbers. Then they got old. They lost some of the pieces. People figured them out. Now all thats left is a trainwreck that no one even cares to rubberneck. Its ok Rams fans, Jackass feels your pain.   

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I remember the first time my roommate told me about this show. I was flabbergasted. “They’re doing what??” Turns out, they were doing even crazier stuff than I had imagined. At almost exactly the same time, the Greatest Show on Turf was tearing the league up. It seemed like Dick Vermeil was last seen shedding tears about injured QB Trent Green and before you know it, they were off to a hot start, shattering records. “Their back up QB is who??” But around the time Kurt Warner decided to forget how to hold on to a football, the Jackass crew started showing up in rehab and other reality shows. I think they officially jumped the shark when Bam Marjera got his own show. Seeing too much of this douche made me realize I had seen enough. Once Kurt went to the Giants and Faulk retired, we realized St. Louis was done. Nothing’s changed for either.

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