Why? Why would anyone come up with such a ridiculous custom for weddings? The Garter Throw – Who on earth was the first person think, “Yeah let me strip off a piece of my new brides most intimate pieces of ‘apparel’ and toss it into a wild group of single horn dogs so they can fight over it – this is brilliant, why am I the first to think of this?” Who seriously considered that this was a great idea that should become the big moment at the end of every wedding reception across the country?
Even more surprising is that women everywhere go for this. I’m sure it would be frowned upon if some guy snapped his bride’s bra into the desperate mob. Yet, somehow it is ok to slip this frilly piece of nothing out from underneath your new wife’s dress and give it a toss into a crowd of the last people on earth that any man should want to give his brides undergarments to – single guys. Why not throw out a gift certificate to one of those online dating sites? How about create a little book with the phone number and picture of every single woman at the wedding then chunk that thing into the crowd? Why not just throw all of the things that the groom will no longer be needing now that he is married? Video games; sporting equipment; all of his “furniture” aka a futon and lawn chairs; his wardrobe of favorite hideous shirts that somehow “looks good” on him alone; his collection of empty energy drink cans and plastic bowls; posters of wrestlers, athletes, swimsuit models and movies; the George Forman Grill; Ramen noodle packages; and the list goes on and on.
To make the whole scenario even more confusing is the fact that the bride tosses her bouquet of flowers into a crowd of single ladies. That’s right – flowers. She didn’t wad up a pair of her groom’s holey, stained covered, whitey tighties and send that gem of a gift into the crowd of expecting ladies. No, the women have this classy, very wedding-like ritual of tossing a gorgeous bouquet to make the group of depressed single girls feel better about not getting married. Then moments later – the lingerie toss. Simply embarrassing.
Then I wonder – Who even wants this garter? Seriously, that thing would have to be like a dating genie in the bottle for me to even think about catching it. This thing has been strapped to a woman’s leg for hours and has soaked up who knows how much wedding day sweat. That nasty thing would have to grant me at least two relationship wishes before I even considered grabbing a hold of it.
What do you do with it after you catch it? Have you ever walked into some guy’s room and low and behold – a garter hanging on the wall? If yes, that guy is a pervert. Of course you can’t do any of the several options which any sensible person should do after unfortunately catching that scandalous piece of cloth. 1) Bringing it back to the poor bride that has just been disrobed in public and apologize for touching it; 2) Go beg the groom and the bride’s father for forgiveness for groping this woman’s untouchables on an otherwise glorious day; 3) Hide from the groom who must have set up this disgusting charade in order to fight whoever would openly compete for his new wife’s underwear; 4) Make a beeline for the nearest restroom and scrub your hands, trying out every soap dispenser in the room.
So there you are stuck with this embarrassing article in your hands. You can never look at the bride or groom the same ever again, and I’m sure they laugh about you behind your back. The only real option is to sever all ties with both friends and family and hope to never encounter this experience again.
To cap it all off, I’m pretty sure the garter doesn’t even have the mystical powers that people have claimed. If garters could get guys a date, much less find him a woman that wants to marry him, then every store on earth would carry this magic bean. They would be stocked right next to the bubble gum and tic-tacs at the gas station. There would be Garter Supercenters in every city where you could pick different types of garters which would bring you the specific type of girl that you want to marry. Garter sales on eBay would be through the roof. A garter that actually worked would bring a fortune in an online auction. I just haven’t heard any testimonials from satisfied garter catchers to make me believe that such a strange and embarrassing custom actually works. The whole situation just sticks out like a disgusting zit on an otherwise immaculate event. I just don’t understand how and why this happens.